Parenting Gently

Harrison is teething and overtired and decides to bite me.
1. “Oww! No biting!”
2. “Are your gums bothering you? I can’t let you bite Mama, but here is something you can bite.” (Teething necklace, toy, etc.)

Harrison is very excited and starts throwing his toys everywhere, with full force.
1. “Do not throw your toys. No throwing.”
2. “Wow, look how excited you are! These toys are not for throwing, but here is a ball you can throw.”

Harrison climbs on the table and I don’t want him there for safety reasons.
1. “Get off the table. No climbing.”
2. “Harrison you are getting so good at climbing. I’m going to take you off the table so you can climb this step stool.” (While closely watching him, of course.)

Harrison won’t follow my lead to go inside because he is having too much fun outside.
1. Pick Harrison up and bring him inside while he protests and tries to get out of my arms.
2. “You’re having a lot of fun out here. You don’t want to go inside. It’s hard to go inside when you want to stay outside. We need to go inside now. Will you walk inside by yourself, or should I carry you?”

Harrison grabs a toy from another child.
1. “No, you can’t have that, you need to share,” and grab it back out of his hands.
2. Observe; see if anyone is actually affected by what just took place. Tell them what is going on- “You took the toy from ___. ____ wanted the toy and now he is upset.” Let them work it out without interference as long as they don’t physically hurt each other.

Harrison is having a hard time with a diaper change and I cannot take care of it without forcing him down.
1. Physically restrain him and get the diaper on as quickly as possible.
2. “You are being squirmy. You don’t want your diaper changed right now. Let’s wait a few minutes until you are ready.”

Harrison falls down and starts to cry.
1. “You’re ok.”
2. “You fell down. That scared you. Did it hurt? It’s okay to cry.”

Harrison falls on the floor in a crying, yelling, flailing tantrum.
1. “Oh Harrison, you’re okay. I’ll be in the other room (ignoring you) until you calm down.”
2. “Those are some big feelings you’re expressing. You’re upset because _____. I’ll sit here with you and help you with your feelings.”

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Some typical day-to-day experiences with a toddler. The first set of responses is what most of us, myself included, have learned from our parents, their parents, and their parents, etc. They are what Jeremy and I have been working hard to unlearn over these past seventeen months.

The second set of responses is how Jeremy and I are trying to parent Harrison. To give him the opportunity to realize his feelings and experience them. To teach him that if he says “no,” there is merit to that word. To allow him the opportunity to explore his world without shame. Clearly there is also no room for physical discipline or for any sort of cry-it-out method here. (A can of worms that perhaps I’ll write my thoughts on another time.)

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I first learned about gentle parenting through Mayim Bialik’s book “Beyond the Sling.” In this phenomenal book she has a chapter on gentle parenting. I read it in the early months of parenting newborn Harrison and it was hard for me to understand at first, but I was very drawn toward it. It is so different than anything I knew of parenting, but it made so much sense. I didn’t want to stifle Harrison in his emotional growth, and authoritative parenting felt like just that.

I did some research and found Janet Lansbury, and have never looked back.

I’m still unlearning and learning, and will be forever I’m sure. There is a line between gentle parenting and permissive parenting and I am still learning where it is. I have my good days and the days that are so difficult. Gentle parenting takes so much patience. Parenting takes so much patience. Sometimes the idea of just saying NO and removing Harrison completely from whatever he is doing in one quick motion feels so much easier. And when I feel that way, I take a deep breath and consider who it is easier for. And then I move forward gently. Or I forget to take that deep breath and the end result startles Harrison to the core and I spend the next ten minutes emotionally undoing my ungentle knee-jerk reaction.

Daily I see Harrison responding positively to the application of gentle parenting. Events that have the potential to become battles and meltdowns often fizzle out after he’s had a moment to process with me or Jer. He gets his crazy toddler energy out without hurting himself or things around him.

There is worlds more than this simple blog post, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. As I learn more and become more passionate about raising our children gently, perhaps I’ll have more words to share. Until then, Janet Lansbury’s Facebook page is a fantastic place to start if you’re curious to read more.

I think that now more than ever we need to be giving our children the tools to process through their emotions rather than shut them down, to deal with conflict healthily instead of expecting it to magically disappear, and to be absolutely certain that if they say “no,” they should expect to be listened to.