Tomato. Tomato paste.

A while back, probably at least two years ago, Jeremy had a random week where he talked in his sleep a few times. Not anything conversational, just two simple phrases on two separate nights.

The first night this happened, he said, very matter of factly, "Taylor Swift." And that was that.

HAH. If you know me at all, you know precisely how I feel about the surge in popularity Miss Swift had a few years ago. Jer still hasn't heard the end of that one.

Then a few nights later, matter of factly once more, he said "Tomato. Tomato Paste." And back to quiet dreamland he went.

We still reference that one on a weekly basis, or more, thanks to basically ALL of my dinner recipes involving the gloriousness that is tomato paste. I use it so often that I buy it in bulk from Thrive Market, in beautiful little glass jars that keep well in the fridge.

So with that, here are a few of my favorite ways to use tomato paste.

1. Ketchup- combine tomato paste, apple cider vinegar, honey/maple syrup/other sweetener of choice, salt, and allspice to make a simple, tasty, healthier ketchup. You can fancy it up with other seasonings or leave it simple with those five ingredients. You can even ferment it by adding sauerkraut juice and letting it sit for a few days!

2. Pizza hummus- use chickpeas as a base, and add garlic, oregano, salt, parmesan cheese, olive oil, and tomato paste- a delicious take on a food that is already tasty.

3. Masala sauce- tomato paste, and some diced tomatoes, along with onion, garlic, ginger, and masala is a great base for so many Indian dishes.

4. Enchilada sauce- a roux of flour, oil, and chili powder added to water, tomato paste, garlic powder, oregano, cumin, and salt makes an enchilada sauce that is far better than anything you can buy at the store.

5. Marinara sauce can always be helped out with tomato paste, or this lentil bolognese that I have been obsessed with for a few months (I use fresh lemon juice in place of the verjus rouge because I don't have fancy ingredients in my kitchen.)

What else am I missing out on?

Atypical walk

I strapped Harrison into the baby carrier today and started off on a walk to the park in our beautiful 70 degree Los Angeles weather. Typical weather, typical routine, typical destination, but within two minutes of leaving our apartment, the atypical hit hard, and the events of it have left me processing over the past few hours.

I was walking near an apartment a street down from ours when a man came running out of the courtyard, frantic, with a wild look in his eyes. He was screaming with terror- Help! Help! Somebody help me! My baby!

And then he ran back inside.

As someone who takes a long time to process anything (wait a few days after watching to ask me how I liked a movie), I was frozen in my steps for a moment, stomach churning, having no idea how to proceed. For a quick second I considered turning around and avoiding the situation altogether- so many things were flashing through my mind and I thought maybe it was just a ploy, and following him would lead me to an unsafe place- he just looked that crazy. But the next second I got my bearings together and ran to the entrance of the courtyard to help- only to find a locked wrought iron gate  preventing me from doing anything but listening and watching.

There were a few more bystanders inside the courtyard, and one was pacing back and forth, on the phone, presumably with 911. I locked eyes with him and motioned the notion of asking if I could help, and he shrugged. It seemed like no one really knew what was going on. I heard screaming and crying and since there was already an emergency call in place, I walked down the street and prayed. It was such a vague prayer, but I knew at minimum that man needed comfort and his baby needed help.

I walked back when I saw the 911 caller walk out onto the sidewalk and asked him what was going on. Apparently the baby was sleeping and would not wake up.

My stomach sank. My worst nightmare since becoming a mother. One of the reasons why, 10 months in, I still check on Harrison every few minutes to be sure he is breathing. I don't know when I'll find the confidence to stop that habit.

With an ambulance on the way, I waited on the sidewalk with a small group of people who had also tried to respond to the Dad's initial cries. Then the Mom came out with her baby, a little girl probably two or three years old. Limp body, eyes closed, her Mom shaking her hands, pinching her toes, patting her cheeks, asking "Is she dead?" And frantically asking where the ambulance was. It was all too much, standing there with my very awake baby strapped in the carrier on me, putting myself in this mother's shoes. All I could do was point down the street where I saw the ambulance on the way, and wave it over when it got closer.

I stepped a ways away when the paramedics got out and the little girl was thrust into their arms. I heard minimal conversation, and I didn't want to snoop; whatever role I had in this situation was over and it was time to continue on my way. The little girl WAS breathing, and the paramedics were doing what they could to calm the parents down while tending to the child.

I continued on my way to the park, turning to look behind me every so often, checking to see if the ambulance had left yet. It was still parked on the street for the few minutes the location was still in my viewpoint.

I shed a few tears as I walked away, for the parents, and for the little girl, and for Harrison, and for every parent. Emotions run deeper than we realize they can, especially when it comes to our children. The crazy, frantic look of the Dad that made me initially doubt my safety- it was the crazy, frantic look of a man who is wildly in love with his daughter, and couldn't fathom her potentially being in danger. I know we all have that crazy in us, and just as much as I hope not many of us end up in circumstances that unleash it, I hope for this family that everything is perfectly fine, and the little girl will be riding her bike down the sidewalk tomorrow- that they can get back to their typical.

These Days

I have nothing pressing to write about, and when that's the case I have a hard time writing eloquently.

My days are currently filled with Harrison, no news there.

I chose to be a stay-at-home Mom. That is what made the most sense for me and Jeremy, and we knew before we started our family that we didn't want any outside childcare for our kids. For us, and the way we want to live our lives, starting a family meant making certain sacrifices so that I could stay home with our baby.

I stayed home exclusively with Harrison for his first five months, and every moment has been special (the difficult moments included, even as they are a different kind of special, haha.)

But we live in Los Angeles, and we have student loans, and those two factors do not make an equation that equals one-income family. So I started some occasional babysitting in Harrison's sixth month, and in months seven and eight that turned in to being out of the house with him to watch other kids every weekday. Starting in July, Harrison and I will have a full 40-hour work week together, while I look after him and a baby who happens to be the sister of a boy I nannied for 2.5 years.

My point? Well as mentioned already, eloquence isn't strong right now, but it's something about how being a stay at home parent requires sacrifices, and being a working parent requires sacrifices, and being a work at home parent requires sacrifices, and just being a parent in general requires sacrifices. There's no avoiding those sacrifices, and they look different for everyone.

If I had the option, I would dedicate all of my "work" energy just to Harrison. But I can't right now, so I'm doing the next best thing for our situation. I love being home or on adventures with just him, and it is a bit of an emotional sacrifice to be doing things differently, but I am happy that I can still be there as his primary caregiver 24 hours a day, he just happens to have some other kids to play with during some of those hours. I am also happy to be forming relationships with these other children and it is a lot of fun to see Harrison learning how to play with other kids. Working full-time with him will be different, and some days difficult, but it will be good, and I am excited about it.

I figured for a long while that once Harrison was "old enough" I'd start working outside of the home on a very part-time basis doing post-partum and birth doula work. But he's 10 months old and still doesn't feel "old enough." My parenting style keeps me with him all the time, and I am so not ready to give that up. My passion for pregnancy and birth is part of my larger passion for families and children. So while the right time will someday come for me to be a more consistent support for women in labor, I am choosing to enjoy this time in my life with the families who let me in their lives by entrusting me with their children. Harrison and I are both thankful for them!