Almost a year, still attached

We are officially a week out from Harrison's first birthday, and of course I am wondering "where did the time go??" but all the same, this milestone isn't (yet) making me feel overly emotional, though it's definitely making me feel very introspective. As I touched on a few months ago, sometimes I still look back and wish better for Harrison in his younger months, and I'm sure that trend will continue as long as I let it. It's been a year full of learning- the beginning of the never-ending task of learning how to be a parent. Learning how to parent in the way that is right for our family. Learning to be confident in the decisions Jeremy and I make for our family. Learning to navigate life when there is more than just "me" to care for.

Harrison has certainly become a little child, very very quickly. He has opinions. Strong ones. Like how behind the toilet has to be the best place to play in the apartment, no matter how often Mama tells him it's not. Or how the cat food must be delicious, even after he's turned down every variety of liquids and solids. Or that sometimes Daddy is the ONLY person he wants, but other times Mama is the ONLY person he wants. And, recently, that receiving a strawberry from someone immediately makes that person a friend.

What's surprising me more these days than Harrison and his upcoming first birthday is not really how he has changed, but how I have changed- and even more how I have not changed.

Once Harrison was born, I nestled myself into our apartment and it became my cozy cocoon. I ventured out for a few walks in those early weeks, but mostly stayed inside and focused on our family of three (six. Harrison truly thinks the cats are his brother and sisters). I dropped everything- no more volunteering at church, no more orchestra, late nights with friends (while already a rarity) became nonexistent. I dropped these things not because I felt the need to, but because I felt the want to. I wanted to stay in my bubble and focus on the newness of our little family. The surprise came, months later, when I realized I still wanted that. And then a few months later yet, when I was still focused inward to our family. Even still these days, I am very focused on our life at home, on being with Harrison as often as possible, on enjoying family time together, on being home for every single bedtime.

Twice in this year Jeremy and I have left Harrison with friends to go out together. Twice more, I have left Harrison with Jeremy to be out of the apartment for more than an hour. And a handful of times, I have given myself the luxury of going on a quick grocery run all by myself.

To some- that likely sounds like a nightmare- having a kid and losing that time to feel like an adult without the immediate responsibility of your child. I full support that- go be you! But for me, I much prefer to be with Harrison more often than not. This first year of him being "attached," if you will, to me- it has been beautiful and everything I dreamed of for our family. And I am truly not ready for that to change. I really thought that by now I would be ready to do things away from Harrison. But it's just not the way things worked out, and as we are all very happy with the way our family is run, there is no need to change it. So we will venture forth in this next year and see what comes of our little family, and continue to learn together.

Engaging in Nourishment

I've been attending a once-per-month breastfeeding support group this year, and it has been more than lovely. While nursing is obviously one of the topics we converse about, the over-arching purpose of this group is more a way to convene with other mothers and their children and support each other where we're each at. This morning we had some guided conversation, based on two questions:

1. What is your current struggle?

2. What are you currently creating?

I love the transparency that is required of both questions, particularly the first one. And I certainly was transparent today, and it was comforting to learn that others have dealt with similar struggles. It was great to discuss in a small group of like-minded women, and I'm leaving my answer to that question with them. But I would like to share my answer to the second question with a wider audience, because it is something I have started to try and become more and more purposeful about, and it is an ever-evolving and very important part of my life:

Food. Nourishing food, to be more specific. And a family culture that engages around it.

I LOVE to eat. My close friends know of this love, and many have seen me pack away more than my tiny frame looks like it can hold. Food has looked remarkably different in different stages of my life, and it's been since college that I've been on a quest to figure out what healthy eating means to me. After getting married almost four years ago, I reframed my thoughts about eating to learn how to plan for and feed two people. And now that Harrison is almost a year old and thoroughly enjoying solids, I'm reframing my thoughts once again.

While I am creating tangible meals for my family to eat, there is more to it than that.

These days my reframing has involved thinking about the purpose of the food that we are ingesting. Thinking about meals at the table where my family is being nourished not only through the food itself, but also through being in the same space, through the closeness of sharing both food and conversation together. I am trying to create a better culture of food in my family, where we eat to nourish our whole selves. Where the meals I have created are an aid in nourishing my family- nutritionally, emotionally, spiritually.

This means being more purposeful about meal planning, even when it sometimes feels like the bane of my existence (particularly when combined with budgeting). This means stealing moments throughout the day to chop vegetables to make dinner prep in the evening less time-intensive, even when I'd rather sit on the couch and zone out in the minimal time I get to myself. This means sitting down and chewing slowly, even when I can't help but think about everything that "needs" to be done before bedtime. This means putting phones away during meals, even though Instagram seems oh-so-alluring. This means engaging as a family unit around the table, making eye contact, asking meaningful questions, and enjoying conversation, even if it's 7pm and it's been a long day.

The meals I am creating these days have involved more and more "slow" food, if you will. I try to always have a ferment at the table- sauerkraut is a constant these days, fermented salsa once tomatoes are in season, pickles, carrots, what have you. These are foods packed away in mason jars that were prepared up to a year in advance, bursting with a flavor my palate has learned to enjoy. They nourish our bodies in the best way- feeding our stomachs with gut-healthy bacteria that aids in whole-body health. Slow food to me also involves cooking meals from scratch, buying less in packages, making every ingredient possible at home, and starting to take better advantage of the abundant farmers markets around Los Angeles (This rainbow burger is my current favorite creation based around many of these practices.)

I learned this morning, while discussing all of the above with the other women in the group, that there is an Ayurvedic concept called Agni- which is a term to mean "fire in your belly." From what I understand, it is said that the Agni of the person preparing a meal is put into the food being prepared, and so everyone eating the meal is also ingesting the Agni that was put in to it. So if you are preparing a meal and you have a negative Agni, you are feeding that negativity to everyone you have prepared the meal for. Conversely, if your Agni is rich and positive, that is what you are passing along while cooking. With this in mind, I want to be more purposeful and joyous while cooking meals. I do enjoy cooking, and do it out of love, but of course there are the days when I feel stressed, or rushed, or just not in the mood. I want to think about what I am doing while cooking, and come back to enjoying it more thoroughly, and in the process allow my positive Agni (if you will) to be shared in the food that I am preparing, and passed along to my loved ones at the dinner table.

Hippocrates is quoted as saying "Let food be thy medicine." I truly believe that the meals we prepare and the ingredients we use in them, along with the attitudes we have while cooking and eating and the space we hold at our dinner tables, is all supremely important for the nourishment of our bodies. I am continually working on creating a better nourishing culture of food in my household, and am looking forward to experiencing what this reframing of thought will lead to next.

A Day in the Life

(This was written a few days ago.)

Only a few things can make you jump out of bed from a dead sleep and become almost wide awake at 5:30am.

Today, Jeremy mumbled something to me shortly after Harrison had woken me up to nurse, and I had no idea what he said and almost ignored him but asked him to say it again. After he repeated himself and I realized my good friend was in labor, five weeks early, and I had missed the call because it was so early that I wasn't even expecting a middle of the night call, my mind was wide awake, and my body followed.

Funny how we hadn't even planned what we would do with Harrison when I went to attend my friend's birth, as we figured we had plenty of time to sort it out.

I threw some clothes on, kissed my sleeping baby goodbye, and told Jeremy "good luck," because that's what you need when you're thrown into bringing your 11-month-old to work for an undetermined amount of time, right?

This is only the second time I've left Harrison for more than an hour or so (the first time was for another friend's birth), and it is so bittersweet. It was a bit easier this time, as even though he is still getting most of his nutrients from nursing, he is not entirely dependent on me if I'm not available. So for much of the day he subsisted on bone broth, egg yolk, avocado, and sauerkraut. Not too shabby, thanks Jer!

But emotionally, I still prefer to be with my baby almost all hours of the day. It's just what feels right to me, and it seems as though Harrison agrees. But it truly was a bit easier this time around, and for that I am thankful.

Being with a family as they welcome their baby into the world is such a beautiful experience, and even more so when the parents are close friends. I love watching the strength of the father, as he comforts his wife, speaks to her peacefully, loves on her in a language the two of them understand. I love watching the strength of a mother, as she breathes through pressure waves, relaxes deeply, allows her body to take over, surrendering to the primal beauty of birthing a baby. 

There is truly nothing like it.

I cried right along with them (on the sidelines) when they got to hold and meet their baby for the first time on this side of the world. New life is such a celebration. The privilege of being present in those moments will never be lost on me.

And the privilege of then going home to be with my baby will also never be lost on me. Harrison and I spent the remainder of the day reconnecting. Nursing in bed, napping together, babywearing. Letting go of other obligations and being present with my son.

I am continually in awe of the beauty of life.

Little Man is (Almost!) Walking

Little guy has enjoyed being mobile for quite some time- he started crawling just after he turned six months, and started walking with assistance just a month later.

As soon as he could walk with assistance, he learned to pull himself up on ... everything ... and cruise to get where he wanted. So crawling wasn't happening exclusively, and when it was happening, his crawl was more of an army crawl- he never got up on his hands and knees, instead he used his upper body strength to pull himself forward and drag his legs behind him. It was cute for a while- still is, kind of- but after months of army crawling, I was a bit curious about his lack of hands and knees crawling. I'd read (and was told) that real crawling was an important milestone for neurological development- something about the left and right side of the body working together to help the left and right brain learn to work together.

Let me pause this story for a moment and make note that this was never a source of actual *worry* for me. I really believe kids develop on their own timeline, and there's no need to freak out if they aren't doing what everyone else says they should be doing. From the beginning I've let Harrison just do his thing, and I want Jeremy and I to continue to parent that way. There's no need to force things on our children.

But even with a lack of worry, there was still a curiosity. And when Harrison took his first unassisted steps just before his 10 month birthday (why so early little guy?! Mama gets no breaks!), I reached out to our chiropractor for her insight.

Harrison was adjusted at just a few days old, and once or twice after that as well. We are looking forward to more regular visits once we have two full-time incomes again. I truly believe regular chiropractic care is the basis for a healthy body. And we are so lucky to have the most loving, compassionate, and knowledgeable chiropractor just a mile from our apartment.

So when I reached out to Dr. Maura about Harrison's not-crawling, I fully trusted her judgement when she told me to bring him in. She spent a half hour working on him and talking with Jeremy and me about what we could be doing to encourage Harrison to meet the crawling milestone.

And would you guess what he started doing the very next day? No lie, he got up on his hands and knees and started crawling. He would do it in spurts- crawl for a few feet and then want to move faster so he'd go back to army crawling (after months of army crawling he'd gotten so very fast!) Over the course of the next week, he stopped trying to walk as much, and started crawling more and more and more. It's almost like his adjustment re-set something in his mind and he took a purposeful break from his independent steps to practice crawling.

It's been almost a month since his adjustment, and I can't remember the last time I saw him army crawl. He has become so adept and real crawling, and it's his favorite thing to do when we're in a big grassy field at the park.

Who's to say if he would have taken a few week's pause from learning to walk if he didn't start working on his crawling, but I am glad he took the opportunity to slow down and work on some building blocks- and especially glad that none of it was forced. A gentle chiropractic/cranial sacral adjustment was all that it took to help his body come back to that movement and rework it so that he hit an important milestone.

These days he's crawling everywhere, and we are juuuust on the cusp of him starting to walk everywhere. I am so filled with pride as I watch him figure out how to get around and explore his world, and I am incredibly grateful for all of the other people in his life who also care about him and his well being.