Birth Unassisted

A few weeks ago, one of my dearest friends gave birth to her third child. I had the honor to witness the birth and support Kelly and her husband Shawn through the process. The journey that they took for this pregnancy and birth has had a profound impact on me. Kelly chose to have an unassisted birth- no medical care providers present, relying instead on her intuition and the emotional and physical support of Shawn and me to bring her baby into the outside world.

To process through that powerful night, I wrote out their birth story. A story of labor from the perspective of my role as their doula. I shared it with the family, and they have given permission for me to share it here. I share it to shed light on one of many options families have when considering where and how to birth their babies. The journey of a wild pregnancy and an unassisted birth was the perfect journey for Kelly and Shawn.

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Kelly called me at 11:35pm on Thursday August 6th. I had stayed up too late that evening, and only got in bed around 11:20. Interestingly enough, I had been working on things for Kelly while up that night- details about her meal train, and ordering a book I wanted her to have as a gift. We had also spent much of the day together, fairly unaware what the night had in store. 

I had just fallen asleep when I heard my phone ring. I knew exactly who to expect as I sat up and reached over to answer. My mind was groggy, but I heard Kelly say that her water broke. In my half-awake stupor, I asked her what she wanted me to do, and the consensus was to just get to her place as soon as I was able to. She reminded me to bring our bathroom scale. I remember being very thankful for that reminder, because it was the last thing on my mind. It was also a good tell about where Kelly was in labor- early enough to be very alert, enough to remember that she needed the scale.

I cobbled together a change of clothes in my dark bedroom, and made way too much noise looking for a bag to put my things in. I hadn’t yet prepared to leave the apartment at a moment’s notice, but thankfully I didn’t need much. I said goodbye to Jeremy, handed him Dylan’s water bottle, and told him “good luck.” It was about to be Dylan’s first overnight away from me, and only one of a small handful of nights that Harrison was away from me. Jer and I briefly talked about how I was going to have our car for an undetermined amount of time, but he was okay with that (another detail we hadn’t yet gotten around to fully figuring out). My cats were super confused about what was going on when I was rummaging around in the living room. I bid them goodbye and walked to the car by 11:50. 

When I arrived at Kelly’s, she was in good spirits. Shawn had already gotten together everything that they needed and the birth tub was ready to go. Kelly worked through a few rushes in between chatting excitedly about how she couldn’t believe she was in labor. She was alert, and the rushes required some focus but nothing that took her breath away. She had to go to the bathroom, and after saying she wanted me to be in there with her, she quickly realized she changed her mind. It was a good progression of labor, her body was showing all the signs of continuing labor.

For a little while, the rushes were straightforward and Kelly was happy and laughing and in shock all in one. She was getting tired, simply due to the late hour, and so I left her and Shawn to rest and I spent some time in the living room. I meant to get some sleep, but it didn’t happen. It was interesting- I knew I was tired, but I didn’t actually feel tired. 

Their 3-year-old, Lyla, woke up and ran into her parent’s room shortly after I walked down the hall to the living room. I remember being so concerned that I was the one who woke her up. In hindsight, and with a clear mind, it wasn’t me- there was no way she would have heard anything with her loud noise machine- I was just concerned due to my tiredness and not thinking as clearly as I usually would.

After maybe an hour (or less) of resting in the living room, Shawn came to get me, since Lyla was way too excited to go back to sleep and the three of them were just awake together in the bedroom. Kelly was working through the rushes on her own; she didn’t want any hands-on support at that time- just the presence of the people she trusted.

Shawn and Lyla left the room to get a snack, and Kelly and I sat on the floor together while she read her birth vision out loud. 

Kelly got in to the tub shortly after- the rushes were starting to feel stronger- and Lyla joined her. They had some really sweet moments together, hugging and snuggling and kissing. There were a few times that Kelly worked through a wave while Lyla happily played with the duck thermometer- swimming it back and forth in the pool with a big smile on her face. The contrast between Kelly and Lyla in those moments was almost comical, while also being very adorable.

Kelly started to get more uncomfortable with each passing wave, and eventually decided to get out of the tub. (The amount of time that passed here was lost on me, I don’t remember.) She wanted to sit on the toilet to work through the next part of labor. After a few rushes, with Lyla very present in the bathroom with Kelly and Shawn, at someone’s request I took Lyla into the living room with me. 

Lyla and I read a little bit together, and briefly played with some magnatiles that were still set up. We were not in the living room for very long- she decided she wanted to go back to her parent’s room, and no amount of gentle conversation could convince her otherwise.

When we got back to the bedroom, it was clear that Kelly had moved into a different headspace. I think that laboring on the toilet, and being alone with Shawn without the distraction of Lyla, helped her to progress a bit more quickly. She came back in to the bedroom shortly after Lyla and I came back, and she worked through a few waves on the floor and sitting in bed. I held her feet and sent some Reiki through one rush, because she seemed a little out of body in an unhelpful way and I wanted to help her stay grounded. Soon after, labor picked up even more and Kelly wanted to get back into the tub.

Lyla was getting very tired and harder for any of us to manage at that point, and Shawn set her up with a movie on the tablet while I kept an eye on Kelly in the birth tub. She still didn’t want any hands-on support, so I sat there and held space for her. She was starting to get a little bit wild, in a good way. When working through a rush, her eyes were strikingly different- wild is the only word I can find for how they looked- and they would dart back and forth at different things in the room. I tried to make eye contact with her as often as possible in an effort to bring her back in to herself. She was starting to make a lot more noise at this point also, though she was still aware enough to be concerned about the noise she was making, and requested a towel to moan in to. She often looked at the affirmations and artwork she had hanging around her. Shawn read some of the affirmations out loud to her throughout the process.

Shawn and I were sitting on the bed while Kelly was working through labor in the tub, and Lyla was slowly falling asleep behind us while watching her movie. Kelly asked Shawn to stand behind her and hold her while she worked through the waves. She was very good at asking for exactly what she wanted. Shawn got into the tub shortly before transition started. I remember at 4:47 Kelly told Shawn something along the lines of “I can’t do this anymore.” I knew then that she was in the final stretch. Shawn was an amazing support for Kelly throughout the whole process. It was so clear how much she trusted him and needed him. He was very present with her and in tune with her needs. She worked through all of transition in his arms, either cuddling with him or asking him to hold her up from behind so she could float while going through another wave. She kept telling him to not let go of her. He was her rock.

Kelly was getting very loud in a very primal way while working through transition. At one point, from my perspective on the bed, Kelly’s head was next to one of her drawings she had hung on the wall of a lion. And she let out a roar not unlike a mama lioness. It was beautiful.

Kelly was also very quiet between the waves. Often times she looked asleep. She was getting a minute or so in between them and seemed to be making the most of the breaks. She was also getting weepy in those quiet moments. She wanted it to be over. She talked to her baby often, telling baby it was okay to come out now, she wanted baby to come out.

I continued to sit on the bed, in front of her, and hold space- that was what she needed from me. She started to seem like she was trying to escape the rushes, and I made eye contact with her and assured her how well she was doing and affirmed the process. Shawn did the same. She was able to settle back into the rushes and work with them instead of against them. She was also starting to make noises a bit higher in her throat, and I, just loudly enough, made some noises with her that were lower. She heard me and mimicked what I was doing- one more connection back into the rushes rather than trying to avoid them. 

She asked for a towel again, and I was perplexed at how she was still alert enough to be self-conscious about the noise she was making- but the towel didn’t end up being for noise. With the next wave, Kelly took the towel in her teeth and bit down as hard as she could. And for a few waves after that she continued to lash out at anything around her... including Shawn, and at one point the tub liner, which thankfully didn’t get torn off, but it did move around quite a bit.

Lyla seemed to wake up towards the end of transition, and Shawn and I were both a bit bewildered about what to do. I'm fairly certain Kelly was the one to mention giving Lyla the tablet again. That, in hindsight, is so comical and so telling- even towards the end of a very trying labor, when she was working through some of the most physically and mentally difficult moments of her life, Kelly came back down to be present with Lyla for a moment. Moms never stop Mom-ing. I got Shawn to unlock the tablet and turned around to give it to Lyla… who had fallen back asleep while we were sorting everything out. Which was perfect, because Kelly needed all of us in those final moments.

I heard the distinct change in the noises Kelly was making around 5:40. She had made it through transition and started pushing. And then around 5:49 she started letting out the LOUDEST yells. It was clear that baby was crowning. I turned around to look at Lyla on the bed behind me, and she was still fast asleep. Nothing was waking her at that point! Shawn briefly asked me to take a picture of Lyla, and Kelly heard him and said “No!” She needed us to be present with her. I took a quick moment to snap the picture anyway, but I waited until Kelly was resting in between pushes.

Baby’s head was visible at 5:50 or 5:51. Kelly got on her knees and put her hands on Shawn’s legs so that she was essentially on hands and knees. She had a break between the pushing waves, and it was in that brief moment that I experienced the only personal moment of hesitation throughout the whole process- baby’s head was out, and I was wondering why the rest of baby hadn’t come out with the next wave. I wasn’t highly concerned, but it gave me room to pause and wonder for a moment. Then I brushed that out of my mind and watched Kelly work with her instincts to get the rest of baby out. She moved around so much, she knew exactly what her body needed from her to get the rest of baby out and onto her chest. She went from hands and knees to sitting in a reclined position, and somewhere in that process, between 5:53-5:54, baby was fully out, and in her arms right at 5:54. 

Within a minute, Shawn said the word “baby” out loud and Lyla woke up in a flash, saying “I want to see the baby!” She didn’t wake up to the primal yells of her mama pushing out her younger sibling, but she woke up when she knew that baby was present in the outside world. I helped Lyla get into the tub and the family enjoyed many minutes of pure bliss. They sat in shock and happiness after realizing their new baby was a girl- baby Lotus.

I went to the kid’s bedroom and gently woke Liam up around 6:15. His first words upon seeing me were “Is the baby coming today?” I told him that his mom and dad and sister were in his parent’s bedroom and they had something to show him. He ran into the room and joined the happiness of the rest of his family.

Kelly moved to the bed at this point, thinking she was about to birth her placenta, but it ended up being a large blood clot instead. She was able to get Lotus to latch quickly and easily. We had a brief conversation just before 6:30 about what to do since her placenta hadn’t been birthed yet, and she was very ready to have it out. Thankfully, within a minute or two after that, right at 6:30, her placenta easily came out, whole and perfect. Kelly said she immediately felt better and was happy to have it out.

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Witnessing this birth has given me a newfound awe for birthing women. What an amazing process. What amazing bodies we have. What amazing stamina we have. 

Kelly seemed almost broken throughout parts of the labor. Not in a bad way. She was being broken open to be reborn into her new self. Motherhood the third time around. She dug deep and used every part of her fiber to bring Lotus earthside. She laughed, she yelled, she moaned, she cried, she sighed, she breathed. She wasn’t just giving birth, she WAS birth.

Why We Are Choosing a Home Birth

This post is on a topic that is a bit more personal than things I generally choose to share publicly (let's be honest, the only things I really share publicly are pictures of my cats and occasionally my wild ferments), but it is something I feel very passionate about, so I have decided to write it out. It is my hope that maybe just one person reads this and starts to consider things differently than they may have before.

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant, and Jeremy and I are highly anticipating the arrival of our little one (affectionately known as the "Kozling" or just "baby" for the time being.) Aside from some minor grievances in early pregnancy, I have been feeling great, and this baby and my body have been doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing throughout this time.

Jeremy and I both knew before conception that we wanted very "hands-off" pregnancies. We live our day-to-day lives in a fairly natural and holistic way, and saw no reason for that to change in pregnancy. We both already viewed pregnancy and birth as a very natural process that typically needs nothing "extra" to help it along (might I add that I feel incredibly lucky to have married a man who was already leaning towards that point of view!)

With that in mind, we've actually declined all of the "normal" or "essential" processes / tests / milestones that the medical world puts an emphasis on during the 40 weeks of pregnancy. We decided to forego all ultrasounds and the use of a doppler to hear baby's heartbeat (we heard our little one's heart for the first time around 20 weeks, through a fetoscope, and it was a wonderful and beautiful moment.) We found no need for any procedures involving genetic testing, and we were able to decline the gestational diabetes test and all STD tests thanks to me and Jer's healthy lifestyle.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I did a lot of looking around to find a midwife who both Jeremy and I felt comfortable around, and who lined up with our values surrounding pregnancy and birth (most home birth or birthing center midwives do). We came across a midwife team who works together at most of the births they attend, and have been meeting with them for routine appointments since we were 8 weeks pregnant. We have felt incredibly respected and loved by them through this journey, and have very much appreciated that respect and love, especially in terms of just how "conservative" we have been with staying "hands-off."

Each of our prenatal meetings has been a wonderful hour-long discussion of how I am doing, how Jeremy is doing, how baby is doing. Our midwives have provided us with tools to make informed decisions about this pregnancy and about the birth, and have never once tried to sway us one direction or the other- simply fully supporting the decisions we have made based on the information provided to us. They are incredibly skilled at what they do, and we know that baby is healthy based on the measurements they take, blood work that has been drawn, and the information they take in when palpating my stomach- judging the amount of amniotic fluid, feeling the location and position of baby, listening to the (very healthy!) heartbeat with the fetoscope. They have given me guidance with nutrition and exercise during this pregnancy, and have expressed concern when circumstances warranted it (thankfully only once- when baby went through a growth spurt at 29 weeks and I was measuring just a tiny bit larger than maybe I should have. Not cause for major concern at all, but it was cause to suggest I stop binge-eating pineapple to give baby a break from all of that sugar, haha.)

As well as finding a midwife who we felt comfortable around, we knew it was also important to find a doula to be there for me and Jeremy and provide emotional, physical, and informational support before and during the birthing journey. A good friend of ours from church is an experienced birth doula, and I was able to attend a birth (as a doula-in-training, if you will) with her a few years ago. I knew then that I wanted her to be with me and Jeremy whenever that time came for us, and we are so happy to have her in our circle of support. And we are actually lucky to be doubling up on doulas too! Another friend of mine is a relatively newer doula, and she will be at the birth to support us as well as learn from our experienced midwives and other doula. There will also be one or two student midwives with us through our birthing journey. We feel very privileged to have so much loving support, and we know that our baby will be birthed into a place of love thanks in part to each of these women.

So, as per the title of this post, why have we chosen to pursue a home birth?

In the most simple terms, we believe that the process of labor and birth is incredibly natural, and so it works the best if you let it happen naturally.

Statistics show that once you enter a hospital in labor, many of these natural processes are essentially taken away from you, either by default or as a repercussion of something the hospital staff does or doesn't do. Hospitals have their own set of rules when it comes to labor and delivery, and they are very medicalized rules (as they need to be- hospitals are medical establishments). Jeremy and I just don't believe that labor and birth are medical processes; if you turn them into something medical, you are causing more harm than good.

We don't want continuous fetal monitoring, bright lights, strangers in the room, beeping machines, sterile gloves and masks. We don't want to be told I can't eat real food, or I have to stay in the bed, or I need an IV for hydration. We don't want my cervix to be checked unnecessarily, or to be asked if I want pain medication, or to feel rushed during labor, or to encounter anyone with unbelief that my body can handle it. We don't want an accidental or purposeful cascade of interventions that may lead to an unnecessary abdominal surgery. We don't want to have to fight for the opportunity for me to labor and birth our baby in the best position possible, physically and emotionally.

Perhaps many of these "don't wants" can sometimes be avoided in a hospital birth, but at the same time many of them cannot. An unmedicated birth can and does happen in hospitals, but we are looking for more than simply unmedicated. We are seeking a journey of freedom during our little one's birth, and we feel that the freedom we are searching for will be best found in the comfort of our home, surrounded by our support team with whom we all have mutual respect and love and trust.

At no point has this decision to birth our baby at home been one made to make a statement or prove anything. We have made this decision in the same way we make all of our important decisions: with plenty of real and true information, and out of a place of wisdom through prayer and serious conversation. With that, we have decided that this is the best decision for us.

Since my pregnancy has been incredibly healthy and completely normal, this gives us reason to believe that my body can and will handle labor and birth in a healthy and normal way. Since we will be surrounded by professionals who we trust entirely, who believe in the natural process my body will go through during the birthing experience, who fully support us in the decisions we have made, and who are incredibly skilled at what they do, we know that if transport to the hospital ends up happening, it is because being at the hospital is absolutely vital for the health of our baby and/or me, and no unnecessary medical decisions are being made. That is what the hospital is made for, when it comes to labor and delivery- when the uninterrupted, natural process of labor just isn't happening the way it should for one reason or another, and baby's or mom's health is in jeopardy. And we are very thankful to have access to great medical care in that aspect if the need arises.

We are at the same time very thankful that the likelihood of that need arising is slim, and we have been taking care throughout the duration of this pregnancy to do everything we can on our end to ensure a normal labor and delivery: good health through nutrition and exercise; optimal fetal positioning through the ways that I sit and lay down during the day and night, and positions learned from spinning babies; a strong knowledge of how regular labor and birth works, primarily through our childbirth class and also through our midwives and doulas; regular prenatal chiropractic and craniosacral appointments to keep my joints and muscles in line and stay non-stressed; and preparation to go through labor with the method of choice (for us it is hypnobirthing, i.e. helping me to learn how to relax, which is quite a task, haha). We are also fully confident that the presence of a birthing team that respects the natural process of labor and birth is one of the most important pieces of this journey, and the decisions we have made around who we wish to be joining us were made with specific purpose.

As the due date of this little Kozling draws nearer and nearer, we have become increasingly excited about the journeys ahead- the journey of labor and delivery, and then the everlasting journey of being parents to someone who is already so precious to us. While the parenthood journey still at times seems a bit daunting to us, our pending journey through the labor and birth of this baby places no stress on our minds. No journey is easy, and we know this may be one of the most trying of them all, but it will also be phenomenally rewarding, and we feel fully prepared and supported for it.

If you're interested in learning more about the process of natural birth, I highly encourage you to watch a documentary called "Orgasmic Birth." Yes, I know you're interested, and no, it's not just about what the title suggests. Jeremy begrudgingly watched it with me when we were assigned to watch it as homework for our childbirth class, and he ended up being very glad that he did watch it (seriously, ask him). We've now watched it twice. It is a great documentary that is non-alarmist; it provides very beneficial information in a very thoughtful and non-fear-based way. (Please ignore the poor production value and just take in the information!)

I also love this cartoon essay (shared with us by our (phenomenal!) childbirth class teacher) on the process of natural birth. The information provided in it gives great insight to the hows and whys of it all.

And, for fun, and also for information, this video called "The Performance" is comical, well put-together, and thought-provoking.

As a pregnant woman, and as a (inexperienced, but book smart) birth doula, talking with people about labor and birth is a passion of mine. Please please please reach out if you have any genuine questions about it. I have reason to believe that Jeremy would be more than happy to engage in discussion as well. We are not, however, at this time looking for anyone to debate or argue with on any of these matters. Positive thoughts and interactions only, while we continue to prepare for the journey ahead!

Thanks for reading, and if you are on a similar journey, may you find the place and process that works best for your family!