not really a recap

This year my intention was to write one blog post per week. I didn't quite make it to 52 posts, but I'm really not concerned about the number. I love writing and hadn't had much of a reason to write over the past few years, and this ended up being a great outlet for me; I've enjoyed having a purpose for thinking through and expressing my thoughts, and I've enjoyed receiving feedback and having conversation based around some of the posts. I know that I often have a bit of an alternative opinion on many aspects of life, and I hope that I've given at least one person reason to consider something differently this year (if you're that one person, let me know!) 

A few weeks ago I won The Listserve (enough of that already Bekah!) and had the opportunity to write an email for many hundreds of thousands of subscribers to read. I chose to write small tidbits about some of my passions. I received some Instagram followers and a small handful of emails back, no conversation went farther than my return email, but it was nice to connect with people in a small way. I'm not sure how many of my friends and family actually read that email, so I want to include it here on the blog. I think it's fitting to include it as my "end of the year" post, since it references many of the things I've written about this past year, and some of the things I intended to write about but haven't found the words yet. I'll include links to past blog posts as applicable; these links were not in the original email.

I truly desire to have more conversation and connection based around these passions of mine. If you're reading this and want to know more of my thoughts, or want to question the way I think about something, or want to change the way you go about this that or the other- whatever it is- please reach out. I'd love to chat, debate, consider other opinions, etc.

So, my recap that's not a recap- my Listserve email

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Hello world.

Some of my passions:

Healthy gut
The health of our entire physical and mental selves starts in our guts. We should be nourishing ourselves with real, whole food. Wild ferments. Pesticide-free crops. Homemade kombucha (my specialty), sauerkraut, sourdough bread. Bone broth, raw milk. Allll the egg yolks! Healthy fat is VITAL. I eat slabs of butter like slices of cheese. There can be a big difference between a healthy body and a nourished body.

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Fertility awareness method
I want to know how it can be deemed “empowering” to use birth control to work against your body, rather than educating yourself on how to work with your body. I used FAM to successfully avoid conception until my husband and I used it to conceive our now 19-month-old. THAT feels very empowering.

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Raising empathetic sons
When he falls down and cries, I don't tell him he's okay and to brush it off, or to be “brave” and not cry. I ask him if he's hurt, or scared, or surprised. I give him room to feel. When he tantrums, I don't walk away and ignore him until he’s done. I acknowledge his big feelings and stay there to help him process through them. I want to equip him with tools to understand his emotions rather than shut them down, and to be comfortable with acknowledging the emotions of others.

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Adoption
There is so much beauty and heartbreak all wrapped up in adoption; it mirrors redemption as it starts with loss and journeys to hope and life. Five of my siblings joined our family through adoption. My husband and I hope to grow our family through adoption some day also. I love the work that Love Without Boundaries does with the orphaned and impoverished children in China.

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Health share
Instead of standard health insurance, our family is part of a health share called Samaritan Ministries. It is one of the best decisions we have made. We send our monthly share directly to another member who uses it to pay for a specific medical bill. My pregnancy was covered 100%. 100%!!! An Urgent Care visit ended up being $17 out of pocket. The checks we received for these bills were accompanied by cards from people all over the USA, with kind words and prayers. What a beautiful community. My healthcare coverage is in MY hands thanks to Samaritan.

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Natural childbirth
Why do so many people expect childbirth to be a medical event? I am trained as a birth doula and love the privilege of being present with a mother in labor- seeing her strength, breathing through pressure waves, relaxing deeply, allowing her body to take over and surrendering to the primal beauty of birthing her baby. There is nothing like it. I wish there was better education on the different options women have for childbirth.

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Student loans
A passionate frustration. My husband and I have a cumulative 5 years worth of private college loans. Eight years after graduation we’ve worked our butts off to pay down half the loans so far but it feels like we’ll never be done. “Student debt is good debt,” they said. It’s the only debt I’ve ever had and let me tell you it does not feel good. We live minimally and have made sacrifices to pay off what we have and it’s a constant feeling of suffocation. We have no savings aside from an emergency fund; buying a home someday seems impossible. I don’t have a need to live extravagantly, but I want this weight off my chest. If you’re college-bound, I strongly urge you to consider a public school near your parent’s home. Live with zero or minimal rent, work hard to pay for your classes in full each semester, and start post-college life better than in debt. (And if you want to make my situation a community effort, I’m all for accepting donations towards these loans...)

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I could say more. Breastfeeding, elimination communication, adopt don’t shop and my one-eyed rescue kitties, playing violin; if any of this interests you please reach out or check out my blog where it’s all been written about more extensively. (Linked in my Instagram @rkozeluh)

With love,

Rebekah
USA
rebekah.listserve@gmail.com

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Here's to 2018, continuing to enjoy my passions, continuing to write, and working on my new year's intention- learning how to skateboard. Happy New Years to you all!

Dear Florida

Dear Florida,

You’re warmer than LA right now and I only brought one pair of shorts. Everywhere is air conditioned which makes me too cold. You are full of toll roads, which are difficult in a rental car due to the fees associated with the Sun Pass, and driving the stretch from Palm Beach to Orlando is an extra hour off the toll roads. I’ve done this twice, and in that extra hour I’ve found too many red light cameras and one of them took a picture of my rental car license plate. When I was turning left on yellow. Thanks for nothing. And what’s up with all those unprotected left turns across three lanes of traffic? And all the pedestrians who pretend there aren’t cars driving 45mph towards them? Or how about all the cars I keep getting stuck behind that are going 20mph under the speed limit in the left lane? And ALL.THE.GATED.COMMUNITIES. Like the one I got stuck outside of, after being on the road for five hours alone with my near 20-month-old. No, operator, Jeremy is not with me but my name was supposed to be on that list too. No, operator, my sister and brother-in-law aren’t at the house right now to come pick me up, they are 20 miles north in Palm Beach. No, operator, I cannot get ahold of my friend so she can verify I am indeed allowed to drive up to her home. Legitimate panic attack: 1, Bekah: 0 (I got in about 15 minutes later after getting ahold of my friend.)

Oh, and Florida, I’m taking home with me some memories I’d rather not have made. A fainting brother during wedding pictures, a feverish ring-bearer who couldn’t enjoy the wedding, a father of the bride with Norovirus in the hours leading up to walking his daughter down the aisle, a lost iPhone, a presumably stolen laptop that was thankfully located, a niece with hundreds of unrecognizable bug bites, the aforementioned red light ticket, a brother with a hacking cough, what gives, Florida?

Dear Florida,

I’m clearly not in love with you. But, dear Florida, I’m in love with the company I’m keeping here.
A sister who was more beautiful on her wedding day, inside and out, than I’d ever seen her before. A new brother (in law) who I am honored to call family. Mom and Dad with all of their children and grandchildren in one place for the first time in almost three and a half years. Spending time with my nieces and watching them and Harrison play together. Seeing Aunts and Uncles that I rarely get to spend time with and passing my sick baby off to my Aunt Beth for some cuddles, and he actually stayed in her arms. Having a whirlwind 20 hour Kozeluh family vacation in Disney Springs and watching Harrison be soooo delighted with all the one-on-one time he got with Jer over the weekend. Anticipating the last part of our trip up in Cocoa Beach, reuniting with the family members who spent the past few days in Disney, and having a low-key Christmas enjoying each other’s company. These are the moments I live for, and Florida- not even you can take them from me.

Love,
Rebekah

Anything at all for any of the beautiful beings in this photo.

Alternative to health insurance

A few years ago, we opted out of the standard health insurance available to us through Jeremy’s employer, and joined a health share called Samaritan Ministries. It is hands-down one of the best decisions we’ve made for our family. Gone are my days of stressing over the financial impact of a theoretical major medical event, gone are my days of not fully understanding medical bills, gone are my days of being cared for by medical professionals I cannot choose myself. I feel so much freedom in leaving the world of health insurance. Here is how it works.

Up front, know that Samaritan is a Christian health share. So there are requirements for being a member, including church attendance, limitations on alcohol and smoking as they pertain to health, and others. This is already in line with our values, so Samaritan is a great fit for us. There are other health shares with less/different requirements, they all work slightly differently, and I imagine Google has some answers. Being a member of Samaritan satisfies the Affordable Care Act’s requirement to have health insurance, so there is no penalty tax on your yearly returns. Samartian sends out clear instructions about how to fill out the health insurance portion of your tax paperwork, and it is a very simple process.

So, as part of Samaritan, each month we are told via our online account who we should send our monthly share to, and a short synopsis on their medical need so we can pray for them as we feel led. Once per year our share goes straight to Samaritan for upkeep costs. As a family with a child, our monthly share is $495 (I’m transparent about that because it’s listed on the website.) This is standard month-to-month. On occasion the amount will actually be lower because the amount of money for all of the member’s collective needs is less that month. Samaritan doesn’t keep any excess.

Any medical event (called a “need” in Samaritan terms) over $300 is able to be covered (shared). The handbook lists the types of needs that are not able to be covered, with consideration for Samaritan’s values. $300 is the deductible, but there is a way to get some or all of that covered as well, more on that later. This means that standard checkups, sick visits to the doctor, etc, are not covered. As a family, we budget for those as needed, and we are a generally healthy family who looks to western medicine rarely anyway, so those costs do not happen frequently for us. We pay out of pocket for chiropractor visits once a month and that’s generally it.

When you are at the doctor’s/hospital/etc, you fill out the insurance paperwork as self-pay. And you ask for discounts for self-pay/cash patients. Typically there are discounts, even up to 60%. These discounts are important because they lower the collective amount of money that members are sharing month-to-month. Additionally, receiving a discount helps to lower your $300 deductible. So say you are billed for $500, but because you are self-pay, you are discounted down to $300 and that is what you pay. When you file paperwork with Samaritan, the $200 discount is then taken off the initial $300 deductible, leaving you with only $100 paid out of pocket once all the expenses are recouped.

My pregnancy was covered 100%. All my prenatal appointments, any supplements recommended by my care providers, up to 40 therapy visits (chiropractor, massage, acupuncture, physical therapy, some require a doctor’s note to be covered). My birth tub rental was even covered. I planned to give birth at home, and since the cost of home-birth is generally much lower than hospital birth, the $300 deductible was automatically waived. However, I ended up transferring to the hospital while I was in the throes of labor, and my $6000 birth turned in to a $25,000+ birth. I was and am still so thankful that I didn’t need to worry about the financial impact of my necessary hospital transfer. A few weeks after giving birth, I went through allllllll the paperwork, called care providers for discounts as needed, and paid everything off or set up payment plans. I kept all the paperwork organized and submitted it to Samaritan. Two months later I received dozens of cards in the mail with checks totaling the exact amount of money I needed to cover all of the medical bills. These cards came from people all over the USA with notes and prayers written in them. It was such a beautiful example of community.

So clearly submitting a medical need takes some legwork and organization, and you need to be active in your medical bills in a different way than you are with typical insurance. This is something I like- I have such a stronger understanding of where my money is going and what bill is for what. If I misunderstand what I am being charged for, I don’t just passively sign off on it. I make phone calls, wait on hold, and speak to people to learn why this or that is being billed to me. I take ownership of every medical bill that comes through our mailbox.

There are more often than not up-front costs before you submit your need to Samaritan. Some care providers will not let you pay on a payment plan if you ask for a discount, so you need to pay in full at the time of service. This was a bit of an issue for us after our hospital transfer, since we hadn’t planned for it. We ended up splitting the hospital bill over two credit cards, and then applying for a new credit card with 0% APR for 12 months and we did a balance transfer to the new card before being charged interest. We paid the new card off once we received everyone’s shares toward our need. I do NOT recommend doing that, it was very nerve-wracking, but it worked for us in a pinch and we are better prepared these days. Pregnancy needs can be shared in advance if you know generally how much everything is going to cost. Our midwives charged us $6000 on a payment plan throughout my pregnancy, and I was able to have that need shared long before Harrison was born- which was ideal because everything was paid for before giving birth and I theoretically wouldn’t be drowning in paperwork after the birth. But hah, such is life when plans change and you enter a hospital.

There is no “in-network” or “out-of-network” with Samaritan. You have freedom to research and decide who the best care providers are for your specific need. Western medicine and alternative medicine are equally recognized and respected. You can go to someone down the street, or in a different state, or in a different country- you determine where you can get the best care, and submit the paperwork the same way for any provider. I LOVE this freedom.

So for an example to make some sense out of it all (in general numbers, I don’t remember the specifics)- Jeremy went to Urgent Care for a broken toe not too long ago. The initial cost of the urgent care visit was $700. We asked for a discount and paid $500 up front that day. We retained all the paperwork that showed the initial cost and the discounted cost that we paid. We received a bill a week later for the x-rays they took at the visit- $300. We called the billing company to ask for a discount and paid $220 over the phone. Jeremy also went to the chiropractor a few times to help his body out as it was adjusting for his uneven walk as his toe was healing. $450 total for all that, no discount. So the initial total was $700 + $300 + $450 = $1450
The discounted total was $500 + $220 + $450 = $1170
That is a $280 difference. Upon submitting the paperwork, that $280 got put towards our $300 deductible, leaving us with a $20 deductible and we received every penny after that in the mail two months later.

I love being part of Samaritan and the active role it allows me to take in my healthcare. For more information you can check out their website or feel free to reach out to me!

Traveling with a child

Harrison has been on a plane and across the country on a number of occasions in his short life. I think it just comes with the territory when both sides of the family live in the Eastern time zone, and it also just so happens that many of our close friends have gotten married in the past year (Jer’s been in three wedding parties in the past 10 months and none of those weddings were in California).

Harrison’s first plane trip was supposed to be in mid-September, 2016, to Denver. He was four months old at the time. Jer and I were both going, and I was glad to anticipate the extra set of hands to help with Harrison, even on a quick plane ride.

But shortly before the trip to Denver was set to happen, my Dad’s mother, my beloved Mom-Mom, passed away. I’ve been lucky in my life to have never lost anyone who had a direct emotional impact in my life- until Mom-Mom’s passing. I needed to be in Pennsylvania when she was laid to rest, and I had a short few days to make it happen. And so in early September 2016 I went on a very last-minute trip to Pennsylvania, just me and Harrison, taking on the friendly skies.

I didn’t have any expectations for the plane ride, but I was hopeful it would be simple, based on Harrison’s chill demeanor. I booked a red-eye because he has slept well at night since day one, waking often for sure, but only to nurse back to sleep. At four months old, and for flights that I anticipated him sleeping through, I didn’t feel the need to bring anything “extra” with me besides a small blanket. We’ve never owned a stroller, and I got a carrying case with wheels to make transporting the car seat easier. I wore Harrison in a carrier and pulled the suitcase and car seat along behind me to gate check it. The car seat was the most difficult part of our travels, it was big and bulky and I’ve never liked it in the first place (we recently replaced it, finally, yay!) While on the plane, Harrison slept well, as anticipated, waking only to nurse back to sleep. Angel baby. Every leg of that trip went smoothly and easily, and breastfeeding was the only thing I needed to keep Harrison occupied.

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Security has become easier for me since traveling with a baby- I am that person who always “opts out” of the x-ray screening and is then subjected to a pat-down, but when Harrison is with me I can automatically bypass the X-ray, go through the metal detector, and get my hands swiped and tested for whatever they are testing for. This is a win for me.

Fun story, during two separate pat-downs on two separate trips pre-baby (and pre-pregnancy), the security personnel tested the residue on their gloves and the little machine turned on a red light and read “explosives detected.” TWO separate trips. What fun that is. I promise that I had no explosives on me. I was subjected to a more thorough pat-down and my bags were thoroughly inspected. Thankfully each time the machine gave me the green light after the second go-round. And after some googling and question-asking, I’ve deduced that either the soap residue from the glycerin-based soap I often use or residue from the pure coconut oil I use as a moisturizer is what caused the machines to alert to the “explosives.” I am very careful these days to stay away from those products immediately before flying.

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Three months after Harrison’s first plane ride, we flew back to Pennsylvania, solo, for a Witzer family Thanksgiving (Jer followed a few days later). Once again, Harrison was very easy to manage. I checked the car seat before security for this trip (for better or worse, there are a lot of rules to be 100% safe with car seats and air travel, and I’ve never followed them 100%, most people don’t). I had Harrison in the carrier and a backpack to deal with walking through the airport. The plane ride was straightforward, I brought a few simple toys with me that helped keep him occupied, and breastfeeding was still the winner for keeping my chill baby happy on the flight.

When Harrison was 9 months old we flew to Tampa for a friend’s wedding. He was starting to be more active but thankfully the three of us were flying together and Jer and I were happy to be able to tag-team our little guy who was already on the verge of walking. He was a bit more difficult to manage this time around, but still nothing crazy. Plastic airline cups kept him busy, and the biggest help was apple slices. Harrison was just starting to really explore solid food and loved gnawing on the apples. He was harder to nurse to sleep at that point, but thankfully Jeremy is great at bouncing him down, and Harrison got a nap in.

Then came June. The three of us went to Lexington for an extended trip to visit with family and celebrate the marriage of one of Jer’s life-long friends. Our 13-month-old had become rather beautifully rambunctious, and we armed ourselves with a few toys and books and snacks. Unfortunately Harrison was very overtired to begin with, and we had two of “those” flights to get to Kentucky. We had a squirmy, crying baby who said “no” to everything we offered and fought the nap that could have made everything better. We did figure out that a cup of ice could keep him occupied for a good amount of time, so we had a few golden moments. He finally fell asleep about 10 minutes before our first flight landed, which was The Worst timing. He woke up when we landed and didn’t nap again that day. So we persevered, and we are happy that day is now many months behind us.

The end of October gave us a last-minute trip up the west coast to Seattle. I finally bought a lightweight car-seat for us to use for travel, and it has continued to be a good decision. (We could use it all the time, i just dont love it enough.) We check the car seat at the gate to (ideally) minimize the possibility of it getting damaged, and it’s light enough that carrying it through the airport is no big deal. It even fits through the security x-rays. Lots of snacks kept us going on this trip, and another cup of ice on each plane. Harrison travelled as a lap child since he still met the age requirements, but he’s become so active that it was a bit difficult. We were lucky to have a row of seats to ourselves on the way home, so Harrison could spread out rather than annoy the person next to us.

And now today I am on a plane finishing up this post while Harrison is fast asleep sprawled out next to me on the seat we purchased for him. We are flying without Jer to the east coast (he’ll meet us there in a few days). I couldn’t handle the idea of a 19-month-old lap child on a five hour flight plus another three hour flight, so we splurged for the extra ticket when we found a good price. And let me tell you- no regrets. For starters, I packed him his own bag. (Security gave me a bit of beef about the number of bags I had until I clarified that Harrison had his own ticket.) So all the necessary things for on the plane but not immediately needed (change of clothes, wallet, food I don’t want him to see, diapers) are in one bag, and the other bag is one Harrison can have free reign of- books, toys, his food, crayons, etc. It’s worked out nicely so far. I debated bringing his car seat on the plane with me, but all he knows of air travel is sitting in the seat with me or next to me, and I didn’t want to risk him refusing to sit in the car seat and then staying in my lap the whole flight. So we gate checked it, along with a small rolling suitcase that accidentally has his sippy cup in it- major bummer (update, the sippy cup has officially been lost). Thankfully we haven’t run into any other issues. And when the drink cart came down the aisle, Harrison started excitedly saying “ice!” (Which sounds like “sssss!”) Haha, that’s my boy. Some kids may see that cart and be excited about food or soda or orange juice, my kid is excited about a plastic cup full of ice.

We are three hours into our initial five-hour flight and Harrison nursed his overtired body to sleep almost an hour ago. We have hardly touched the “new” (borrowed) toys I hid away for him in his bag, or gotten to the two new books we purchased and wrapped in Christmas paper. If there’s a meltdown today, or too much boredom, here’s hoping opening a present and reading a new book about cats will calm us both down.

And speaking of calm- I did get on the plane this morning with an overtired toddler. And honestly he’s been so chill despite that. But once he started getting amped up, I pulled out a secret weapon that my chiropractor told me about just last night- Rescue Remedy. It is something that’s always stocked in my “medicine” cabinet, and Dr. Maura told me it works like magic for calming down an ornery child, something I’d never considered. So at a choice moment a little while ago, I took the Rescue Remedy out of the backpack and put three drops on Harrison’s tongue (thankfully he rather enjoys droppers full of liquid, and it was a good distraction in the first place). I noticed a difference in his demeanor almost immediately. He totally chilled out and was receptive to things I had to say. He sat next to me and became very observant and relaxed. He nursed to sleep, which is unheard of these days, and now he’s been fast asleep for an hour. Rescue Remedy is coming on every flight with me from here on out!

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***Harrison slept for 2 hours and 15 minutes, which is a marathon for him. He woke up amiable and chill and is happily munching away on cheddar bunnies and chicken as we prepare to land in DC.***

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A quick summarization of what’s worked for us:
4 months old: breastfeeding
6.5 months old: breastfeeding
9 months old: apple slices, empty cups
13 months old: good luck ;) a cup of ice
17 months old: books, stickers, ice
19 months old: Rescue Remedy, books, his own seat

-breastfeeding/bottle/sippy cup is great for takeoff and landing to help with the pressure in their ears
-you can check a car seat and/or stroller for free before security or at the gate; do your own car seat safety research and make an informed decision
-all our travels so far have been made simpler by baby-wearing
-you can bring drinkable liquids through security if they are for the baby (or “for the baby”), my filled water bottle makes it through fine, sometimes they test it
-less is more, I perpetually bring more than I need even when trying to minimize
-don’t use glycerin soap or coconut oil before going through security unless you want to live on the edge

Happy travels!

Winning Streak

It’s been quite a year. So much difficult, with much good and soul-affirming in between. In two weeks time I’ll be in Florida with my entire family and I’ll be gaining a new brother-in-law. The past six months, the last time I saw many of my family members, I’ve been living for this trip. The best kind of holiday season.

In between all the moments of preparing for Florida, I’ve been managing normal life. Nannying, with Harrison in tow. Cooking, especially with my Instant Pot, violin-ing with Harrison AND Oscar, working through the emotions experienced as a result of Harrison getting bitten by a dog, and winning things!

I’m pretty good at winning things that I can work towards. Card games like Canasta and Golf, Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, amateur horse shows and audition-only orchestras when I was younger. But anything that’s up to chance has been lost on me time and time again.

Until this year!

A few months ago I won tickets to see Joshua Bell perform at the Hollywood Bowl. Granted, I did work for that one by writing about my favorite mistake, but it still felt slightly up to chance to me. A few weeks ago I won a contest sponsored by Patagonia and Garden of Life, just by using coupons on the Sprouts app while grocery shopping. I’ve yet to receive my Patagonia backpack full of Garden of Life products, but I filled out the necessary paperwork and am very excited about it.

And then yesterday I received an email informing me that I won the opportunity to write to the Listserve!

The Listserve is an email subscription list that sends everyone on it one email per day. The email is from another subscriber, chosen by a computer at random, who can write about anything, knowing that it will be sent to tens of hundreds of thousands (over a million? I can’t find the current number) of people across the globe. I have been a subscriber since the first email on April 18, 2012. I’ve read almost every single email I’ve received. It’s been so interesting to read other people’s stories, learn about their lives and passions, or learn something new, or be lectured on any number of things, or gain insightful advice.

Never did I expect to receive an email with the subject heading “You’ve won The Listserve!” I sat and stared at that email for a moment, checked to see if it was legit or possibly spam, realized it was valid and true, pulled up a new document and wrote “Hello world.” And then I sat staring at those two words for the better part of a half hour, and mulled over them the rest of the day. I had no idea what to say.

Last night I sat on the couch with the same document open, and I started free writing about my passions. There are many things that I care about and I decided I want other people to learn about them, and maybe through this I can connect with some of those who are like-minded or at least people who want to further the conversation.

My submission is almost complete and it’s pretty simple. A few small paragraphs about a few of my biggest passions. No life-changing information or ground-breaking advice, just a small sliver of who I am in this world. It’ll be sent out in a few days; if you’re interested in reading it go over to The Listserve website and subscribe. (They’re for real about only one email per day and no spam.) And if you’re reading this post a few days from now because you found this blog through my Listserve email, thank you for taking the steps to find me and please feel free to let me know you’re here!

Harrison's Acting Career

Back in early July, I got an email for Harrison’s third ever audition. And not only that, it was a "straight to callback" audition, so he had already made it through one round of cuts without being present. It was my second week at my new job and really poor timing because I didn’t yet feel like I had enough time invested in the job to ask for a few hours off to take him. Jer had an important meeting at work that day and couldn’t get away either. Against my hopes and “what ifs,” we almost cancelled the audition. But Jer’s meeting was rescheduled last minute and he was able to pick Harrison up in the middle of the workday. I dressed Harrison in a onesie, per the casting agency's request, combed his hair out of his eyes, and told him to break a leg but to not dislocate a toe like Daddy. And off they went, driving an hour to Glendale for a five minute audition.

What does an audition look like for a one-year-old? Since it was a callback, there were quite a few people in the room, likely some that were involved in the filming, some from the casting agency, some from the company he was auditioning for. They made it clear when Jeremy walked in to the room with Harrison that they already very much liked Harrison and his look, so that was a win. Jer held him face out to the camera and they looked at him and shot some video. They wanted him to be squirmy, and he delivered (clearly understanding and taking direction, haha), and then they were done.

The next day I received a call from his agent that he was “on avail” for the role. Industry speak for “keep these specific shoot dates available because he is one of the two or three we’ve narrowed it down to.” Cool! Excitement mounted, but I also kept it in check. Harrison and Jer(!) had been on avail together after a previous audition and nothing amounted from it. But third time ended up being the charm- I got a call the next day saying he had booked the job!

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A quick interlude- If you know me the way I know myself, you may wonder why my child is signed with an agency and going out for auditions. It’s not necessarily my style, for sure, BUT, we are in Los Angeles, and a good friend of ours is an agent and she loves what she does so much that it is infectious. We had an in with her, so why not take it? And it’s been fun. And interesting to see this part of the entertainment industry firsthand on a few levels. Don’t misunderstand- we barely have our toes in it- Harrison has been on only three total auditions. But they are fond memories now, ones we can laugh about (like his first one, when he was asked to be held by a complete stranger in front of the camera and all he did was cry and try to get back to me), ones we can smile and reminisce about (like the second one that asked for a “real father and son,” so he was with Jer on camera, and as previously mentioned they got thisclose to booking it together), or simultaneously be excited about and let down by (like this third one, spoiler alert- he booked it and shot it but is nowhere to be seen in the actual promo.) So we are both taking it seriously and doing it for fun, and we will continue to do so until it doesn't work for any of us involved.

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So Harrison booked a job! His first ever role- “Baby” in a Fox Sports Promo called “Complicated.” And you know, I take back everything I said I that little interlude above. We’re not doing this for any reason other than the TOTAL VALIDATION that our child is ADORABLE. In an industry where you mostly need to have the right look in the right place at the right time, the right look for any baby role is “cute,” right?? And booking it is only the first round of validation that you have a cute child. Then you get on set and everyone who has a role in getting your child on film is just glowing over how adorable he is. Total validation, right there.

The shoot date and time were in the middle of Jer’s and my workday, so Jer planned for half a day off and I planned to stay out of it all because I had no other choice. But I ended up with an unexpected half day of work the day of the shoot, and we were able to make it a family affair. 

We drove up to a college in Monterey Park and met with the 2nd Assistant Director to fill out all the paperwork. I had to put a star next to every line that asked for Harrison’s SSN because I forgot to bring his social security card (newbie alert), and I have yet to memorize his number. We called the 2nd AD later during the day to fill in those blanks. (I did remember to bring every other form of identification!)

Harrison’s outfit was a red onesie and white socks with red details. The Costumer had emailed me a few days previous for his size, rather than having him go in on one of the days they were doing fittings. (Go figure- the location for the fittings was literally next door to Jeremy’s work, while every other location involved in this process was at minimum 45 minutes away.)

His onesie said “I have a Michigan in my diaper.” That clued us in to the content of the promo. Well, that and the fact that we were at a football stadium and all the actors we were surrounded by were very large men in Ohio State gear. 

Harrison’s role was to look cute in his onesie for a closeup photo. We sat out in the stadium and since it was a closeup, Harrison sat in Jeremy’s lap for the pictures. This made it tremendously easier than I anticipated; I had some bad visions of him not cooperating if he couldn’t be right with one of us. The photographer spent about 10 minutes taking pictures of Harrison, under the direction of Production Designer, while those of us standing to the side did everything we could to make Harrison smile and laugh. He did exactly what they needed without much effort, and soon we went back inside to wait for the photos to be approved.

A half hour later we were given the go ahead to leave, and that was that.

(While we were there they were also shooting two other promos- “Spartans,” and “Wolverine.”)

So what happened next? Nothing, really. Except trying for months to find the promo with the information we had: a Fox Sports promo called "Complicated," and the deduction that it was for an Ohio State vs Michigan football game based on what we saw on set. So ... lots of waiting since the promo was shot in July and the game is on November 25th. I searched around here and there for the it over the past few months, but figured it wouldn’t air until the week of the game. And what do you know- my deduction skills were on point! I searched for the promo on Monday night and easily found it, shortly after it had been posted. I got so outwardly excited that Jer knew what I was looking at without asking me.

We sat on the couch together and excitedly watched the 29 second promo ... and ... no Harrison. And that was that.

What a surge of emotions- we’d been waiting since July to see this promo, to be able to share it and say “There’s my cute baby!” But, no cute baby. Excitement —> Letdown. It was clearly the correct promo, and they just clearly decided that their original intent with his picture didn’t work with the final product. I naively hoped that maybe there was going to be another promo, or some print ads, or SOMETHING with his picture on it, and that I would find it later. But upon watching the it a few more times, I think it looks like his picture would have fit somewhere in the 5-7 seconds portion, and they just went with different pictures.

Without further ado ... here is the promo Harrison booked, sans Harrison.

--- --- ---

So today we have some more fond family memories, and one picture from set that shows a bit of how cute Harrison was that day (and every day). It is too bad we don't have access to the pictures they took that day, because I'm sure they were even cuter.

And now maybe I might be on a mission. Maybe fourth time will be the charm. I will (finally) change out Harrison's headshot to make it more current, and his adorable toddler self will shine through in that photo and he will have another audition and make it through to booking another job ... and he will actually be in the final product. Stay tuned!

I'd be remiss to not give a shout out and huge thanks to Bri and Laura at DDO Kids for making this experience happen due to the hard work they put in for all of their clients- from the ones who are on Nickelodeon daily to the ones who have had three auditions in the span of 16 months. We're proud to be part of DDO!

PSA: Instant Pot (you should get one)

One afternoon in May, Jer came home from work with a large Amazon package in his arms. 

This was not too long after we had a conversation in which I lamented to him that I was tired of using my play money on household gadgets that I wanted, or asking for kitchen supplies for my birthday, or using Christmas as an excuse to upgrade our apartment furniture. I wanted to be gifted things that had a bit more frivolity, but I was torn because I still wanted these household items that we were getting along fine without. Where do these pseudo-necessities fit in a budget that is based around paying off tens of thousands of dollars of student loans? It was a conundrum and I was annoyed about it.

Leave it to Jeremy to hear my conundrum complaining and take selfless action. He came home with an Instant Pot that day, purchased with his meager play money budget.

---

So, our crockpot, which I had taken from my parent's house years before where it had been well used and well loved, finally died last January. And for six months, I debated how I wanted to replace it. Which means for six months we didn't have a crockpot, and we were fine without it, and so little by little I stopped trying to figure out how to replace it. But not before I learned about the Instant Pot and became intrigued. I had never used a pressure cooker before, but I liked the idea that by getting an Instant Pot I could use it on the slow cooker setting to replace the broken crockpot, AND I had a whole new set of cooking possibilities at the same time. But the idea of spending the money on it brought forth the conundrum outlined above. So of course I was ecstatic when Jer brought me home this new kitchen toy, not for my birthday or Christmas, and not because I specifically asked for it, but "just because." I didn't realize at the time, but bringing that Instant Pot home opened up a brand new realm of seemingly endless possibilities of meals to cook and delicious food to eat, all with simple ease.

---

Having never used a pressure cooker before, and having never even seen one used, there was a small learning curve to get through initially, along with getting over my uncertainty about "Am I doing this right?" I started with cooking chickpeas, and accidentally blocked up the venting valve by manually releasing the pressure. And I only know I did that thanks to hindsight. After two months of cooking only chickpeas and whole chickens, and starting to become confident in at least those two foods, I started to branch out to new foods and full recipes. When I mealplanned, I tried to include one new Instant Pot recipe each week. Using it more frequently and for new recipes allowed me to gain more confidence, and I have recently surpassed the learning curve enough that I have started to cook food in the IP without following exact recipes.

I love that with the Instant Pot I can sauté vegetables in it before dumping in everything else. I love that I can cook dried beans without having them on the stovetop for three hours, and I can avoid simmering bone broth for 24 hours. My favorite lentil soup takes less than an hour start to finish, and it tastes like it's been on the stove half the day. Los Angeles summers are long and we don't have air conditioning, so leaving the oven off is quite the benefit. I can buy a whole frozen chicken and have it on the table in about one and a half hours, so tender and juicy. I can make hardboiled eggs that come out exactly how I want them to every single time, and they are ridiculously easy to peel. Active cooking time for me has been drastically cut down; once I've chopped veggies or seasoned chicken or rinsed beans and pressed a few buttons on the IP, I'm free to leave it alone until it tells me the food is done, just in time for dinner after a few dance parties with Jeremy and Harrison. I'm still in the early stages of using the Instant Pot to its full potential, but its helpfulness already cannot be understated.

Of course, of course, of course I still love to cook on the stovetop, tasting as I go, adjusting this or that, letting the smell waft through our apartment, or roast vegetables in the oven, watching them get slightly charred with the perfect tenderness on the inside, and I will never let my new kitchen toy take the place of some of that. But having the Instant Pot in my arsenal of kitchen tools has only added to my joyful cooking experience.

Black Friday is coming up, and you only need one thing on your list. Do yourself a favor and use that day to buy the Instant Pot at the lowest mark-down price it reaches all year. Do it!

(We have the 6 quart 7-in-1 IP and it has served our purposes well. It is not the newest model available, but I have found that we don't need any more than what this one does.)

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Some of my favorite tried and true ways to use the Instant Pot

-Soak one pound of dried beans overnight, rinse, cover with fresh water. Cook on high pressure and let the pressure release naturally before opening. 8 minute cooking time for black beans, 12 minutes for garbanzo beans. Additionally, I will often add chopped onion and garlic, with tomato paste and chili powder and cumin to the black beans, covering them with only just enough water before cooking. After cooking I take off the lid and use the sauté function to cook off a bit more water and use the seasoned beans for tacos and the like.

-Wash a spaghetti squash, cut it in half crosswise, scoop out the seeds. Put one cup of water in the IP, put the steamer insert in, and put the spaghetti squash halves on top. Cook on high pressure for 7 minutes, then manually release the pressure and open. Once the squash is cool enough you can scoop out the flesh and use however you'd like.

-Rinse one cup of white rice and put it in the pot with 1 1/4 cups of water, a swirl of oil, and some salt. Cook on high pressure for three minutes. Let the pressure release naturally for 7 minutes, then manually release the rest of the pressure before opening. Brown rice takes a bit longer.

-Put one cup of water and the steamer insert in the pot. Place seven or eight eggs on the insert, cook on high pressure for 4 minutes. Immediately release the pressure manually, open the pot and carefully put the eggs in ice cold water and into the fridge. Drain the water when the eggs have cooled off. Eat whenever! The yolks are still slightly soft, adjust the cooking time for your preference.

-Put oil, chopped onion, and chopped celery in the pot. Sauté until translucent, adding salt, cumin, chili powder, and smoked paprika to taste, add chopped garlic towards the end. Add chopped carrots, 28oz of diced tomatoes, 1 cup of dried lentils (rinsed), and chopped sweet potato. Fill with stock or water up to the 7 or 8 cup line. Cook on high pressure for 20 minutes and let the pressure release naturally for a little while before you manually release the rest of it. Adding chopped greens or cooked rice after it's done is also delicious. I'm sure you could add uncooked rice before closing the pot, I just don't know how much. Eat this soup with goat cheese, it's the best!

-Take some onion, celery, and carrot scraps and put them in the bottom of the pot, parsley too if you have any. Add one cup of water and the steamer insert. Put a whole chicken on the insert and rub on some salt, black pepper, and whatever other seasonings you'd like. Add a few whole garlic cloves on top of or inside the chicken. Cook on high pressure- about 25 minutes for a fresh chicken and 50 minutes for frozen. Let the pressure release naturally to seal in the moisture. Use a meat thermometer and properly check the internal temperature of the chicken, cooking times obvioulsy vary with the size of the chicken. Leave the liquid and veggies and drippings in the pot for making broth, as outlined below.

-Carve the above chicken, and put whatever you would have thrown into the trash back into the pot with the cooking liquid and vegetables. (Take out the steamer insert.) All the bones, cartilage, whatever you consider inedible can all go back in. You can add chicken necks, gizzards, feet, racks if you have them on hand (things I never expected I'd be storing in my freezer, but here I am today.) Add a swirl or two of raw apple cider vinegar. Throw in more salt, parsley, and/or garlic cloves to preference. Fill with water to between 8-10 cups. Cook on high pressure for 3-4 hours, then allow the pressure to release naturally. Strain the broth out and store in the fridge or freezer. This usually yields me about 3 quarts of broth, I store in mason jars and initially freeze 2 quarts, taking them out as needed.

-This butter chicken is delicious. I halve the butter (not because I'm afraid of butter, it just feels excessive) and use all the sauce with my meal rather than saving half as suggested.

-I LOVE this Dal so much. I use green lentils and have never soaked them as the recipe suggests, and it always turns out delicious (with a bit more salt to my taste.) I think the ghee is of utmost importance in this recipe.

-This recipe for quinoa burrito bowls has always turned out great, especially when topping it with cheese, salsa, and the like and eating with my favorite tortilla chips. 

-I love this Moroccan sweet potato lentil stew. I use green lentils.

-And when I'm feeling indulgent and spontaneous and want to use refined sugar for something more than brewing kombucha, this recipe is totally on my radar and someday I will try it.

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Happy Instant Potting!

A Time for Dancing

I have been partaking in a lot of dance parties lately: I turn up the music in the apartment, or at work, or in the car ... and Harrison and I dance our socks off together. Jeremy joins in when he’s around, or he is the instigator in the first place, and the space we are in is immediately filled with shared laughter and pure joy.

—

Here’s the deal- I used to be so hesitant to move around in any way that signified “trying to dance.” I am so not coordinated enough in my own body to make movement that looks like any commercial or creative form of beauty. Dances in middle school and high school were extra awkward because I literally didn’t know what to do. Weddings found me standing on the sidelines until coerced to join the party or until there was enough bubbly flowing. I didn’t have the confidence in me to put myself out there and find freedom in my movement. 

—

I married a man who can DANCE. Seriously you guys, if you haven’t seen Jer on the dance floor, you are missing out on something amazing. I’ve always admired his ability to just get out there and do it, it’s something that drew me to him in our early years. He’s creative, he’s coordinated, he has control over his body in ways I don’t understand, and he has so much fun doing it. For a long while, that made me feel even more self-conscious about my “dancing.” We were not quite compatible in that department. I do have my “moves,” and those who know me well can attest to them. I’ve taken Liz Lemon’s Microwave and made it my own, my Cup Dance is pretty great, and if you’re one of a lucky few, you’ve seen my Timberdoodle (reference here and here and here, for starters).

—

I’ve been in childcare for so many years. I volunteered at a foster home in China, I worked at a day care, I’ve done nursery and preschool in church, I’ve been babysitting for as long as I remember, and I’ve held a slew of full-time nannying jobs, including the one I have right now. And now of course I am a mother as well to my sweet, wild, uninhibited little Kozling. So I’ve actually been instigating dance parties for years and years ... in the comfort of my home or others, with no other adults around, letting myself be uninhibited alongside the toddlers I’m watching. They have so much freedom in their movement. So much un-coordination as well. Enough to make me feel okay about myself, hah. They’ll flail around and fall on the floor or run in to each other and just keep moving, just keep dancing. Joyously, fearlessly. And so I do the same with them. 

—

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and there was dancing at the reception. I surprised both myself and my husband by confidently striding straight to the dance floor and letting loose without a second thought. None of my signature moves- as they come out when I’m feeling awkward and need something to laugh at- but rather just simple freedom in movement, and joy in the moment. And it was so much fun you guys.

—

The other day at work I was having a moment that was some combination of boring and stressful. When you’re in someone else’s home for 9.5 hours a day with two kids under two and a dog who you love but are at odds with, there are days when those moments can be frequent. I took a second in that moment to connect my phone to a speaker and turn on some music. Harrison’s eyes lit up and he started bobbing up and down to the beat. The baby started laughing while she watched Harrison dance. I picked her up and the three of us spun around the living room, uninhibited as could be, smiling and giggling and feeling perfectly free. The stress and boredom disappeared in that instant and I felt so full of happiness, elation even. 

And it is with that happiness, that elation, that freedom, that I care no longer about my uncoordinated dance moves. They bring me to a mind space that feels good ... so watch out world- I'm here and I’m going to keep on dancing!

—

Some of my and Harrison’s current favorite songs to dance to are Macklemore’s Glorious and Can’t Hold Us, Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine, and Nate Ruess’s Nothing Without Love. We also dance to our fair share of The Beatles, since Harrison’s name wasn’t inspired by just anyone.

Parenting Gently

Harrison is teething and overtired and decides to bite me.
1. “Oww! No biting!”
2. “Are your gums bothering you? I can’t let you bite Mama, but here is something you can bite.” (Teething necklace, toy, etc.)

Harrison is very excited and starts throwing his toys everywhere, with full force.
1. “Do not throw your toys. No throwing.”
2. “Wow, look how excited you are! These toys are not for throwing, but here is a ball you can throw.”

Harrison climbs on the table and I don’t want him there for safety reasons.
1. “Get off the table. No climbing.”
2. “Harrison you are getting so good at climbing. I’m going to take you off the table so you can climb this step stool.” (While closely watching him, of course.)

Harrison won’t follow my lead to go inside because he is having too much fun outside.
1. Pick Harrison up and bring him inside while he protests and tries to get out of my arms.
2. “You’re having a lot of fun out here. You don’t want to go inside. It’s hard to go inside when you want to stay outside. We need to go inside now. Will you walk inside by yourself, or should I carry you?”

Harrison grabs a toy from another child.
1. “No, you can’t have that, you need to share,” and grab it back out of his hands.
2. Observe; see if anyone is actually affected by what just took place. Tell them what is going on- “You took the toy from ___. ____ wanted the toy and now he is upset.” Let them work it out without interference as long as they don’t physically hurt each other.

Harrison is having a hard time with a diaper change and I cannot take care of it without forcing him down.
1. Physically restrain him and get the diaper on as quickly as possible.
2. “You are being squirmy. You don’t want your diaper changed right now. Let’s wait a few minutes until you are ready.”

Harrison falls down and starts to cry.
1. “You’re ok.”
2. “You fell down. That scared you. Did it hurt? It’s okay to cry.”

Harrison falls on the floor in a crying, yelling, flailing tantrum.
1. “Oh Harrison, you’re okay. I’ll be in the other room (ignoring you) until you calm down.”
2. “Those are some big feelings you’re expressing. You’re upset because _____. I’ll sit here with you and help you with your feelings.”

— — —

Some typical day-to-day experiences with a toddler. The first set of responses is what most of us, myself included, have learned from our parents, their parents, and their parents, etc. They are what Jeremy and I have been working hard to unlearn over these past seventeen months.

The second set of responses is how Jeremy and I are trying to parent Harrison. To give him the opportunity to realize his feelings and experience them. To teach him that if he says “no,” there is merit to that word. To allow him the opportunity to explore his world without shame. Clearly there is also no room for physical discipline or for any sort of cry-it-out method here. (A can of worms that perhaps I’ll write my thoughts on another time.)

— — —

I first learned about gentle parenting through Mayim Bialik’s book “Beyond the Sling.” In this phenomenal book she has a chapter on gentle parenting. I read it in the early months of parenting newborn Harrison and it was hard for me to understand at first, but I was very drawn toward it. It is so different than anything I knew of parenting, but it made so much sense. I didn’t want to stifle Harrison in his emotional growth, and authoritative parenting felt like just that.

I did some research and found Janet Lansbury, and have never looked back.

I’m still unlearning and learning, and will be forever I’m sure. There is a line between gentle parenting and permissive parenting and I am still learning where it is. I have my good days and the days that are so difficult. Gentle parenting takes so much patience. Parenting takes so much patience. Sometimes the idea of just saying NO and removing Harrison completely from whatever he is doing in one quick motion feels so much easier. And when I feel that way, I take a deep breath and consider who it is easier for. And then I move forward gently. Or I forget to take that deep breath and the end result startles Harrison to the core and I spend the next ten minutes emotionally undoing my ungentle knee-jerk reaction.

Daily I see Harrison responding positively to the application of gentle parenting. Events that have the potential to become battles and meltdowns often fizzle out after he’s had a moment to process with me or Jer. He gets his crazy toddler energy out without hurting himself or things around him.

There is worlds more than this simple blog post, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. As I learn more and become more passionate about raising our children gently, perhaps I’ll have more words to share. Until then, Janet Lansbury’s Facebook page is a fantastic place to start if you’re curious to read more.

I think that now more than ever we need to be giving our children the tools to process through their emotions rather than shut them down, to deal with conflict healthily instead of expecting it to magically disappear, and to be absolutely certain that if they say “no,” they should expect to be listened to.

These Days

These days have been full of highs and lows. A stomach bug that’s just enough to be bothersome and downright painful at times but not enough to justify time off of work or real life. A night out with Jer while Harrison was with a babysitter, for the first time in almost a year. A scar on Harrison’s cheek turns in to a deep dimple every time he smiles and while dimples are cute, it makes me sad and perhaps is contributing to my stomach unease. A potential client for my nonexistent doula business; if she goes in to labor and the stars align with my schedule I can assist her through her hopeful natural twin birth. My Instant Pot being used almost daily, the answer to hardboiled eggs with easy-to-peel shells, eating meat again for the first time in a while, Dal on repeat, cooking beans in the summertime without turning on the stove. Figuring out travel plans and budgeting for wedding after wedding, so many people dear to my heart who have found their person. Walking for miles and miles around Culver City every day, passing the time while watching two children and a dog. Finding friends to spend time with and being active in making sure I actually have friends, feeling lonely in the process. Feeling homesick, especially when my search for a babysitter comes up empty-handed time and time again, knowing that any member of my family would jump at a chance to watch Harrison, wishing he was growing up with a relationship with them. Learning to identify my feelings and lean in to them and accepting that my small feelings are just as valid as my large feelings. Noticing the ties between labeling my emotions and giving Harrison the space and tools to allow him to learn how to identify his. Giddy over this new book I bought, written by a late Doctor who speaks my language. Drinking more water because I love my new water bottle that Jer gifted me. The flip flops I wore at my wedding broke on Thursday night; I haven’t tossed them yet but I’m thankful for the joy they’ve brought me all these years. Finally finding shoes that fit Harrison-two pairs!- thanks to hand-me-downs from a friend, and the shoes that took three weeks to arrive from China. Enjoying watching my kitties enjoy their new cat tree- a birthday present from my Mom that just keeps on giving. Laughing and frustrated that none of the cats seem to enjoy the exact same wet food, happy that we have room in the budget for said food. Letting go of making allll the things from scratch and giving myself more time to relax. I could buy a pound of good butter and make ghee, or I can buy ghee for just a few dollars more and an hour saved. I still don’t have much downtime, but it’s a step in the right direction. Keeping an eye out for the sports promo Harrison booked and shot back in July, now that it is football season. Maybe telling key people more details so they can help me keep an eye out too. Doing all things digital primarily on my phone as all of our electronics have slowly died, wondering if I can justify making this purchase. Or this one? Pining for the real outdoors, as Harrison explores the concrete jungle outside our apartment, skinning his knees on dirty sidewalks and breathing in the smog. Being surprised by our neighbors with an extremely out of character kind gesture, and rolling my eyes as they’ve gone straight back to the character that I’ve learned of them over the past 3.5 years. Bracing myself for extreme summer weather in October, instead of letting it surprise me like every other year. Wearing my harem pants to bed and then to work the next day, because they are comfy, and because I can. Letting Harrison play with my phone on occasion, on airplane mode, listening to music. Letting him purposefully watch his first video. Playing more violin lately and enjoying it, intending to re-learn the song I let Harrison watch. Taking all the good with all the mundane and difficult, and trying to appreciate the learning that life is offering me right now.

Harrison's Shoes

Harrison has only one pair of shoes that he's actively worn since learning how to walk. We bought them from a vendor on the side of the street at a fun neighborhood event called CicLaVia. Harrison was >thisclose< to walking independently and we decided we Needed these shoes because they were made by a work at home mom and are/were adorable soft-soled leather moccasins with a fun pattern sewn in cotton on the top.

He tore through the cotton upper in no time, since he was still crawling a lot, but Jer sewed it back together and the shoes remained functional and still cute, just a bit weathered.

We went to the park a few months ago and he played hard in the sand at a water table and the shoes became so dirty and wet and unrecognizable that I left them in the car for a few days, annoyed that we had let that happen. Then I cleaned them off the best I could and Harrison continued to wear them- dirty and weathered but they were still shoes.

Sometime between then and now, Harrison has proven to be a lover of shoes.  One of his craziest melt-downs to date was brought to surface when my one pair of high heels wouldn't stay on his feet. He constantly puts his feet in my shoes, Jer's shoes, friend's shoes. He gets very, very excited when I tell him it's time to put his shoes on. I started to feel bad that his one pair was becoming so battered, but I suppose all the same it did show how much they were loved.

Over the past few weeks his toes have been wearing holes through the front and this week the shoes could barely be called functional. I reached out to people who think similarly to me and found a few brands of soft-soled shoes that had good reviews, and finally ordered Harrison's second pair of shoes on Sunday.

Then on Wednesday I realized he needed new shoes sooner than the two week(?!) shipping on the pair of my choice. So I Amazon-Primed a different pair, figuring that the variety would be good anyway, and eagerly awaited Friday- new shoes day.

--- --- ---

It's been a weird week. Harrison has been slightly sick with a cough and mild fever, and on top of that an event on Tuesday led him to receive a puncture wound to his cheek. I've been at odds with myself, and with the cause and the damage all week. An endless trail of thoughts all leading to wishing I would have/could have prevented it. Reliving the moments it happened every time I look at him. Stressing about his environment so that it won't happen again or something worse.

I'm taking care of the wound with alternative medicine, while keeping an active eye on it and second guessing myself every step of the way. I broke down and used some Neosporin last night, more an act of fear than anything else. He can't tell me how he's truly feeling and I'm over-analyzing every move he's making. It's looking better than it was, but he's my baby and it's a puncture wound. And so the doubting cycle continues and continues.

--- --- ---

Work yesterday was low key and enjoyable. The kids napped at separate times, which would normally frustrate me because it means I don't get a break, but I allowed myself the room to enjoy one-on-one time with each of them- and it truly was enjoyable.

In the early afternoon I told Harrison we were going for a walk. "Go get your shoes," I told him, "Bring them over here and I will put them in your feet." And off went my 16-month-old, searching for his worn-out shoes, finding them, bringing them over to me, and patiently allowing me to put them on his feet. His level of comprehension astounds me most days; it's so crazy how quickly they learn and understand.

I strapped the baby in the carrier, and had Griffey on his leash to the left of me and held Harrison's hand in my right hand, and we went on what I figured was our last walk with Harrison's fallen-apart shoes. And it was the sweetest walk. He actually held my hand for a good 15 minutes, and we easily lazed our way down the road, pointing at whatever looked exciting, passing the time just existing all together. We ended up in front of a house with wind-chimes, and Harrison stood there enthralled for a good ten minutes, listening for the chimes and doing his form of dancing any time he heard them. I felt free in and so relished the sweet, unscripted moments.

--- --- ---

We arrived home after work to find the package containing new shoes(!) I unwrapped them, Harrison sitting next to me, and I made a small big deal about how they were new shoes just for him. I sat him on the table so I could put them on for him ... and then I struggled to get his (beautiful) fat feet through the elastic opening and on his foot well. I persevered and he was patient with me and he eventually had both shoes on his feet. He went running off into the other room, and then came running back out, with a big smile on his face, staring down at his feet with those new shoes on. I took them off after about a half hour, and noticed the elastic had left a too-deep groove all around his ankles. 

--- --- ---

I think I was hoping Harrison's new shoes would bring everything full circle. He woke up yesterday morning with the puncture wound looking better, we had our idyllic last walk in his old shoes, the whole day felt zen-like. But we got home and I became concerned again about his cheek, and then his new shoes didn't fit, and I think I'm going to return them. 

So here I am, essentially (new) shoe-less and still worried about my baby's health. Not all hope is lost, and I have confidence for healing, but at the time of writing this, there is no pretty little package with a bow on top (if there were, I'm hopeful it would contain shoes that fit.) Here's to tomorrow, one day closer to the full-circle.