These Days

These days have been full of highs and lows. A stomach bug that’s just enough to be bothersome and downright painful at times but not enough to justify time off of work or real life. A night out with Jer while Harrison was with a babysitter, for the first time in almost a year. A scar on Harrison’s cheek turns in to a deep dimple every time he smiles and while dimples are cute, it makes me sad and perhaps is contributing to my stomach unease. A potential client for my nonexistent doula business; if she goes in to labor and the stars align with my schedule I can assist her through her hopeful natural twin birth. My Instant Pot being used almost daily, the answer to hardboiled eggs with easy-to-peel shells, eating meat again for the first time in a while, Dal on repeat, cooking beans in the summertime without turning on the stove. Figuring out travel plans and budgeting for wedding after wedding, so many people dear to my heart who have found their person. Walking for miles and miles around Culver City every day, passing the time while watching two children and a dog. Finding friends to spend time with and being active in making sure I actually have friends, feeling lonely in the process. Feeling homesick, especially when my search for a babysitter comes up empty-handed time and time again, knowing that any member of my family would jump at a chance to watch Harrison, wishing he was growing up with a relationship with them. Learning to identify my feelings and lean in to them and accepting that my small feelings are just as valid as my large feelings. Noticing the ties between labeling my emotions and giving Harrison the space and tools to allow him to learn how to identify his. Giddy over this new book I bought, written by a late Doctor who speaks my language. Drinking more water because I love my new water bottle that Jer gifted me. The flip flops I wore at my wedding broke on Thursday night; I haven’t tossed them yet but I’m thankful for the joy they’ve brought me all these years. Finally finding shoes that fit Harrison-two pairs!- thanks to hand-me-downs from a friend, and the shoes that took three weeks to arrive from China. Enjoying watching my kitties enjoy their new cat tree- a birthday present from my Mom that just keeps on giving. Laughing and frustrated that none of the cats seem to enjoy the exact same wet food, happy that we have room in the budget for said food. Letting go of making allll the things from scratch and giving myself more time to relax. I could buy a pound of good butter and make ghee, or I can buy ghee for just a few dollars more and an hour saved. I still don’t have much downtime, but it’s a step in the right direction. Keeping an eye out for the sports promo Harrison booked and shot back in July, now that it is football season. Maybe telling key people more details so they can help me keep an eye out too. Doing all things digital primarily on my phone as all of our electronics have slowly died, wondering if I can justify making this purchase. Or this one? Pining for the real outdoors, as Harrison explores the concrete jungle outside our apartment, skinning his knees on dirty sidewalks and breathing in the smog. Being surprised by our neighbors with an extremely out of character kind gesture, and rolling my eyes as they’ve gone straight back to the character that I’ve learned of them over the past 3.5 years. Bracing myself for extreme summer weather in October, instead of letting it surprise me like every other year. Wearing my harem pants to bed and then to work the next day, because they are comfy, and because I can. Letting Harrison play with my phone on occasion, on airplane mode, listening to music. Letting him purposefully watch his first video. Playing more violin lately and enjoying it, intending to re-learn the song I let Harrison watch. Taking all the good with all the mundane and difficult, and trying to appreciate the learning that life is offering me right now.