the seed

On the day you were born
a seed was planted in my heart.

It's hard to understand
the first few weeks of motherhood
until you've been through it.
The inner doubts,
the ever-changing emotions,
feeling like a stranger in your body.
Learning how to care
for the neediest little being
and forgetting to care
for yourself.

Confidence came in sprinkles
a little rain shower
every now and again
and the seed slowly rooted.

We learned together
and as you grew
I grew
and the roots reached down
and held steadfast
while little vines stretched up.

The newness turned to
insight,
the doubts to trust.
Emotions leveled off.

I found gratitude
for my body,
a vessel that housed you,
kept you safe,
nourished you,
for forty weeks
and forevermore.

The vines stretched up more
and more
the roots found firm ground
and grew deeper
deeper
and deeper.

My heart reached a fullness
never known before.
You bring such joy, such hope.

It's hard to understand
the first year of motherhood
until you've been through it.
The peace, the tender
ferocity, the balance,
the purposeful sacrifice.
Learning how to protect
and set free,
how to encourage and indulge,
how to instruct.

The love that was planted
one year ago
now bursts out of me.
Unwieldy
unconditionally
growing faster each day.

Happy first birthday my sweet Harrison, Mama loves you.