We bought a new car yesterday.
The word "new" is a funny one. In this context, "new" means a car that is 17 years old.
Welcome to the family, little white 2000 Toyota Corolla, we're so glad you're here! You represent a lot of our hopes for the future of our family, and driving you day-to-day will be a constant reminder to press on towards those hopes, working our hardest every step of the way.
---
In the months leading up to me being pregnant, we started to look for a new car to replace the troublesome Ford Fiesta that I started my Los Angeles journey with. With stars in our eyes, we set our hearts on a 2012 Honda Accord SE (leather seats!) and with the help of a car-buying specialist from our credit union, we waited patiently for a few months until the right car was found at auction, purchased, and financed- just a few weeks after we found out about our pregnancy, and at the same time that I found out my full-time nannying job was ending earlier than I had anticipated.
Maybe once in those months of waiting, the idea of buying a car with solely our hard saved down-payment cash was mentioned, but I quickly brushed it off, so it was forgotten about.
But really- pregnant, 1.3ish incomes, going down to one income once baby arrived, student loans, etc ... what business did we have adding to our debt and monthly bills? Those leather seats though ...
Our trusty new Honda was everything we had hoped for, though, and for a season, it was a wonderful car. It was the car that helped me realize my fear of freeway driving wasn't of the freeway itself, it was rather a fear of how unsafe I felt on the freeway in the little Fiesta. It got me to and from a short-term job 27 miles away. It's gotten Jeremy to countless auditions all over Los Angeles. It had heated seats, so my bum was always warm, even in the summer when I drove with the windows down on brisk mornings. It felt like the first "grown up" car I could call mine (my others, aside from the lime green Fiesta, were pickup trucks- a GMC Sonoma, and a greatly missed Ford Ranger.) It is the car that Harrison rode home in the day after he was born, while we listened to The Talking Heads sing "This Must Be the Place." It has held many nursing sessions and diaper changes. Harrison even left his mark during one diaper change (you're welcome to anyone who has sat in the driver's side back seat.)
And now yesterday, the back of that Honda is where I sat all morning- while it was pouring down rain typically unknown to LA, trying to keep an active 8.5-month-old entertained with two books, one toy, and all the energy and excited voices I could muster- while Jeremy took care of getting our new/old car inspected, talking with the mechanic, negotiating with the seller, signing paperwork, and handing over hard-earned cash that signified ownership, rather than a car payment.
This car is to be our daily driver, replacing the Honda in our one-car family. It has more miles on it than any vehicle that's been in my name. It needs new front tires immediately, and there is a medium-sized list of work to be done on it that we'll be spreading out over this next year.
Even with its obvious qualms, I already like this car more than the Honda. A sense of ownership has a lot more healthy weight than warranties and a small payment every month. I already feel myself caring about this car more than others in the past- partly due to maturity, sure- but mostly due to this ownership I feel, and the collective effort that has gone into getting it and the effort that will continue to be put in to it.
This car means freedom from a car payment each month, which means more ease in taking care of day-to-day expenses, which means being able to once again focus on those darn student loans. This little Corolla will be the first car that Harrison has memories of, and I want him to know that we purchased it to better his life- not in the sense of it freeing up money to spend on him, but rather for him to see it as an example of how hard work, determination, sacrifices, and careful spending (and fruitful giving) can move you forward to live your best life.
Maybe that's a lot of stock to put into such a little old car, but the stars are back in my eyes each time I look at it, and those stars are pressing me now to work harder than ever.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
sick day haikus
still in pajamas
unkempt hair, sleeping baby
snot on my shoulder
---
we lay on the couch
guard cat prowls, finds his subjects,
sleeps all afternoon
---
coughing, sneezes, cries
a steam bath when he wakes up?
feel his forehead: warm
---
baby will not nurse
his comfort is rest today
breast pump helps mama
---
cancelled plans, missed friends
staying home all day and night
feels like missing out
---
no time for self-care
peanut butter and jelly
this is sustenance
---
healing: lithy tree,
European hornbeam helps,
silver, ear drops, rest
---
love you baby boy
time will help, you'll feel better
mama's here for you
unkempt hair, sleeping baby
snot on my shoulder
---
we lay on the couch
guard cat prowls, finds his subjects,
sleeps all afternoon
---
coughing, sneezes, cries
a steam bath when he wakes up?
feel his forehead: warm
---
baby will not nurse
his comfort is rest today
breast pump helps mama
---
cancelled plans, missed friends
staying home all day and night
feels like missing out
---
no time for self-care
peanut butter and jelly
this is sustenance
---
healing: lithy tree,
European hornbeam helps,
silver, ear drops, rest
---
love you baby boy
time will help, you'll feel better
mama's here for you
Friday, January 6, 2017
Where We Are
My hope for this year is to write one blog post per week. I enjoy writing and I miss having a purpose to do so. I've been having trouble deciding how to start out this year of blog posts. I was considering writing a year in review of 2016, and then realized I hardly remember anything that happened before May. Harrison was born on May 3rd, and life was forever changed, in the best way.
2016 was the year of Harrison. 2017 will be too. Taking care of him has been so easy. Truly, I mean it. He is very laid back and takes whatever comes, happily. At eight months in, I've yet to experience the sleep deprivation I was expecting (thanks due in large part to bed-sharing, I'm sure another post will be devoted to that). He nurses like a champ and we have been able to have the nursing relationship I had hoped for during pregnancy. Easy, easy baby. BUT, what of the changes in life that happen when you introduce a brand new baby into it? Not so easy. Hard, actually, with some moments that seem near impossible.
This new year has truthfully already been a bit rough. A brand new year does not stop the uncertainties of the previous year, and so many of our little family's uncertainties came to a head this week. We're wading through decision-making, job-searching, working second jobs (Jeremy), looking to replace our car, trying to ward off sickness (and failing), a hospital visit for Harrison (everything is fine now), and our normal day-to-day events on top of it all. That is simply life, and none of it gets erased on January 1st. This year, we will champion the hard days along with the easy days, and we will find the good in everything.
2016 was the year of Harrison. 2017 will be too. Taking care of him has been so easy. Truly, I mean it. He is very laid back and takes whatever comes, happily. At eight months in, I've yet to experience the sleep deprivation I was expecting (thanks due in large part to bed-sharing, I'm sure another post will be devoted to that). He nurses like a champ and we have been able to have the nursing relationship I had hoped for during pregnancy. Easy, easy baby. BUT, what of the changes in life that happen when you introduce a brand new baby into it? Not so easy. Hard, actually, with some moments that seem near impossible.
This new year has truthfully already been a bit rough. A brand new year does not stop the uncertainties of the previous year, and so many of our little family's uncertainties came to a head this week. We're wading through decision-making, job-searching, working second jobs (Jeremy), looking to replace our car, trying to ward off sickness (and failing), a hospital visit for Harrison (everything is fine now), and our normal day-to-day events on top of it all. That is simply life, and none of it gets erased on January 1st. This year, we will champion the hard days along with the easy days, and we will find the good in everything.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
A Birth Story
Almost six weeks ago at 4:40am the newest member of our family entered this world. This joyful occasion happened after 61 hours of labor, including 6.5 hours of pushing. We were in a hospital, and I was laying on my back in bed. I was hooked up to penicillin and pitocin, and I had an epidural line in. There were people in the room I had only met hours previous. None of this was according to “plan,” but *for the most part* none of that mattered.
I’ve been wanting to write out the birth story, but most of the past six weeks have been spent with our little one nursing, or sleeping on me, or sleeping next to me while I am sleeping. So I have a lack of time, mental energy, and free hands these days. No complaints at all, I have thoroughly and truthfully been loving this special time as a new family of three (six with the kitties!) It has been so nice to use these weeks to bond, and to focus on just our family.
Sixty-one hours is a long time to do anything without much of a break. It is also a long time to remember. I remember the birth story in spurts of time- some of it remembered cohesively, and some of it remembered thanks to photos my doulas took throughout the process and texts that were sent from my phone. So here is some general remembering.
I remember feeling the early beginnings of labor on Friday evening. Jeremy and I went out for ice cream that night, our last night out without a baby to take care of. It was also the 4th time we got ice cream that week. I was really taking my midwife’s advice of “maybe limit sugar to one serving of fruit a day” to heart …
I remember walking to Starbucks, a few blocks down the street from our apartment, late Saturday morning. Labor was starting to pick up, but it was still early and I needed some distraction. Jeremy and I sat outside at Starbucks for a little while using their wifi, as ours had been down for almost a week.
I remember my doulas coming over around 3pm on Saturday. (This is what I consider the “beginning” of labor in terms of the 61 hours that it took.) The contractions were 3.5 minutes apart and close to one minute long, and things were starting to feel real to me. I needed emotional support more than anything, and we chatted and walked around the neighborhood.
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| Oscar therapy during a contraction. And that's a very looooow baby. |
I remember my midwives coming by that evening, and then determining it was too early for them to be there. In hindsight, I know that at that point the contractions had stopped being regular. My doulas stayed all night and everyone tried to get some sleep. I know that I was able to sleep a little bit.
 |
| Sleep, with Oscar |
 |
| focus |
I remember everyone coming back at 7pm Sunday night. I think I was around 7cm at that point (though I didn’t know it at the time. I had asked to not be told how far along I was at any time, I think it would have taken me out of the moment.) We spent a lot of time that night working through labor in different positions; our little one seemed to be turned a little funny, and we wanted him to get in the best position possible. I remember I also spent time dancing with Bruno Mars pumped up nice and loud.
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| Trying to get baby to shift. Looks peaceful, but this was the WORST. |
I remember on Monday morning when it was was determined that there had been very minimal progress since the night before, (AKA, in hindsight, I was still at 7cm, even after everything we did throughout the night) and the idea of transferring to the hospital was brought up. Jeremy and I asked for more time, mainly because we just needed to process through the idea of letting go of our hope for a home birth.
I also remember the Internet technician coming over early Monday morning to (finally) fix our wifi. I was in the bedroom in fairly active labor and he was on the other side of the door fixing our Internet. I'm sure he had a story to tell when he got home that day.
I remember coming to terms with the need to transfer to a hospital. As the morning and early afternoon wore on, labor continued to not progress. The contractions were still irregular, and I was starting to not be able to focus through them. We tried literally every position possible to try to get the little one to shift into a more optimal position, and nothing had worked. I remember being thankful that I had diligently packed my "just in case" hospital bag a few weeks previous, even though at the time I didn't want to.
I remember justifying a hospital transfer while quietly processing through it and trying to manage contractions during our last hour at home. I kept telling myself why I needed the interventions, and that nothing would be done that wasn't a necessity. I needed Pitocin to help the contractions become regular. I requested an epidural because I felt like I was losing control and I was unable to continue to manage the contractions as well as I had been for the 48 hours previous. The epidural would serve multiple purposes- to helped my body relax and allow the little one to settle into the most optimal position. And sleep. I needed rest so that I had energy for the home stretch of labor.
I remember requesting to transfer to a specific hospital. I am thankful that we were not in an emergency situation, and that it was not rush hour. Thanks to those two factors we were able to go to my hospital of choice that was a bit farther away from our other back-up hospital.
I remember the epidural not being what I expected. I lost feeling in my abdomen, but I was still able to feel my legs- I was even squatting on the bed at one point (with help, of course). And by the time I was ready to push, I had most of my feeling back everywhere. Maybe that’s some people’s idea of a bad epidural experience, but as someone who was fully prepared for and who wanted to have a natural birth, it made me very happy.
I remember getting some sleep and feeling things start to pick up, and then hearing the nurse declare that I was fully dilated. I know I had a big smile on my face at that point. I couldn’t help it- after all this time I was finally going to push and then meet my baby! It’s really a good thing that I didn’t know it would be another 6.5 hours until our little one arrived.
I remember the intense feeling of pushing, and how it felt so much different than the contractions I had been feeling for the two days previous. It was hard work, but I could feel the progress that was involved, and that gave me strength to continue on for as long as necessary. I remember telling people a few times that labor was MUCH harder than running a marathon.
I remember barking orders to everyone around me to help with getting through each pushing contraction- “Counter pressure on my lower back! No not there- a little bit farther up and to the left! No not that far up!” “Someone grab my leg! Now! My leg! My leg! Leg! LEG! LEG!!!!” “Press harder on my back! Harder!” “Hold my leg up higher!” Looking back, I’m amazed at how coherent I was. Or maybe I wasn’t coherent, but I knew what I needed, and I was very demanding.
I remember the moment our little one made its appearance. I held my hands out so that I could hold my baby, and it felt like an eternity before our OB handed baby over (Jeremy says it was only a quick few seconds of waiting time). I remember holding this brand new baby to my chest and being exhilarated, and at the same time speaking so much nonsense. I became quite chatty, talking to our baby, and talking a lot. I don’t remember what I was saying, but I was not quiet.
I remember finding out the sex of our little one. It was only moments after we started skin-to-skin, and Jeremy was by my side. I looked up at Jer and asked if we had a name for our baby (because- backstory- at that point we only had a girl’s name that we agreed on.) He looked back at me, eyes glistening from these first few moments as a family of three, and said “no,” with a disbelief in his voice that came more from the events of the past 61 hours than from the lack of a name.
We have a little boy, and our hearts have been growing exponentially since that moment.
 |
| So brand new. |
Over 24 ours after our little one entered the world, we came back to a name that we had agreed on throughout most of my pregnancy, and actually most of our time as a married couple.
Harrison James came into the world weighing 9lbs 7oz (really!) and measuring 22 inches long. He has bright eyes, a fully head of dark hair, and cheeks for days.
We couldn't have had such a good birth experience without our midwives Monica, Molly, and Maral, our doulas Dana and Katie (Dana also took all of the above pictures), our nurse Tai, and our OB Dr. Lipeles. We also could not have had such straightforward prenatal and postpartum periods without our chiropractor Dr. Maura, and our childbirth educator and IBCLC Kim. There are not enough thank yous in the world.
Life is good.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Why We Are Choosing a Home Birth
This post is on a topic that is a bit more personal than things I generally choose to share publicly (let's be honest, the only things I really share publicly are pictures of my cats and occasionally my wild ferments), but it is something I feel very passionate about, so I have decided to write it out. It is my hope that maybe just one person reads this and starts to consider things differently than they may have before.
I am currently 32 weeks pregnant, and Jeremy and I are highly anticipating the arrival of our little one (affectionately known as the "Kozling" or just "baby" for the time being.) Aside from some minor grievances in early pregnancy, I have been feeling great, and this baby and my body have been doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing throughout this time.
Jeremy and I both knew before conception that we wanted very "hands-off" pregnancies. We live our day-to-day lives in a fairly natural and holistic way, and saw no reason for that to change in pregnancy. We both already viewed pregnancy and birth as a very natural process that typically needs nothing "extra" to help it along (might I add that I feel incredibly lucky to have married a man who was already leaning towards that point of view!)
With that in mind, we've actually declined all of the "normal" or "essential" processes / tests / milestones that the medical world puts an emphasis on during the 40 weeks of pregnancy. We decided to forego all ultrasounds and the use of a doppler to hear baby's heartbeat (we heard our little one's heart for the first time around 20 weeks, through a fetoscope, and it was a wonderful and beautiful moment.) We found no need for any procedures involving genetic testing, and we were able to decline the gestational diabetes test and all STD tests thanks to me and Jer's healthy lifestyle.
When we first found out we were pregnant, I did a lot of looking around to find a midwife who both Jeremy and I felt comfortable around, and who lined up with our values surrounding pregnancy and birth (most home birth or birthing center midwives do). We came across a midwife team who works together at most of the births they attend, and have been meeting with them for routine appointments since we were 8 weeks pregnant. We have felt incredibly respected and loved by them through this journey, and have very much appreciated that respect and love, especially in terms of just how "conservative" we have been with staying "hands-off."
Each of our prenatal meetings has been a wonderful hour-long discussion of how I am doing, how Jeremy is doing, how baby is doing. Our midwives have provided us with tools to make informed decisions about this pregnancy and about the birth, and have never once tried to sway us one direction or the other- simply fully supporting the decisions we have made based on the information provided to us. They are incredibly skilled at what they do, and we know that baby is healthy based on the measurements they take, blood work that has been drawn, and the information they take in when palpating my stomach- judging the amount of amniotic fluid, feeling the location and position of baby, listening to the (very healthy!) heartbeat with the fetoscope. They have given me guidance with nutrition and exercise during this pregnancy, and have expressed concern when circumstances warranted it (thankfully only once- when baby went through a growth spurt at 29 weeks and I was measuring just a tiny bit larger than maybe I should have. Not cause for major concern at all, but it was cause to suggest I stop binge-eating pineapple to give baby a break from all of that sugar, haha.)
As well as finding a midwife who we felt comfortable around, we knew it was also important to find a doula to be there for me and Jeremy and provide emotional, physical, and informational support before and during the birthing journey. A good friend of ours from church is an experienced birth doula, and I was able to attend a birth (as a doula-in-training, if you will) with her a few years ago. I knew then that I wanted her to be with me and Jeremy whenever that time came for us, and we are so happy to have her in our circle of support. And we are actually lucky to be doubling up on doulas too! Another friend of mine is a relatively newer doula, and she will be at the birth to support us as well as learn from our experienced midwives and other doula. There will also be one or two student midwives with us through our birthing journey. We feel very privileged to have so much loving support, and we know that our baby will be birthed into a place of love thanks in part to each of these women.
So, as per the title of this post, why have we chosen to pursue a home birth?
In the most simple terms, we believe that the process of labor and birth is incredibly natural, and so it works the best if you let it happen naturally.
Statistics show that once you enter a hospital in labor, many of these natural processes are essentially taken away from you, either by default or as a repercussion of something the hospital staff does or doesn't do. Hospitals have their own set of rules when it comes to labor and delivery, and they are very medicalized rules (as they need to be- hospitals are medical establishments). Jeremy and I just don't believe that labor and birth are medical processes; if you turn them into something medical, you are causing more harm than good.
We don't want continuous fetal monitoring, bright lights, strangers in the room, beeping machines, sterile gloves and masks. We don't want to be told I can't eat real food, or I have to stay in the bed, or I need an IV for hydration. We don't want my cervix to be checked unnecessarily, or to be asked if I want pain medication, or to feel rushed during labor, or to encounter anyone with unbelief that my body can handle it. We don't want an accidental or purposeful cascade of interventions that may lead to an unnecessary abdominal surgery. We don't want to have to fight for the opportunity for me to labor and birth our baby in the best position possible, physically and emotionally.
Perhaps many of these "don't wants" can sometimes be avoided in a hospital birth, but at the same time many of them cannot. An unmedicated birth can and does happen in hospitals, but we are looking for more than simply unmedicated. We are seeking a journey of freedom during our little one's birth, and we feel that the freedom we are searching for will be best found in the comfort of our home, surrounded by our support team with whom we all have mutual respect and love and trust.
At no point has this decision to birth our baby at home been one made to make a statement or prove anything. We have made this decision in the same way we make all of our important decisions: with plenty of real and true information, and out of a place of wisdom through prayer and serious conversation. With that, we have decided that this is the best decision for us.
Since my pregnancy has been incredibly healthy and completely normal, this gives us reason to believe that my body can and will handle labor and birth in a healthy and normal way. Since we will be surrounded by professionals who we trust entirely, who believe in the natural process my body will go through during the birthing experience, who fully support us in the decisions we have made, and who are incredibly skilled at what they do, we know that if transport to the hospital ends up happening, it is because being at the hospital is absolutely vital for the health of our baby and/or me, and no unnecessary medical decisions are being made. That is what the hospital is made for, when it comes to labor and delivery- when the uninterrupted, natural process of labor just isn't happening the way it should for one reason or another, and baby's or mom's health is in jeopardy. And we are very thankful to have access to great medical care in that aspect if the need arises.
We are at the same time very thankful that the likelihood of that need arising is slim, and we have been taking care throughout the duration of this pregnancy to do everything we can on our end to ensure a normal labor and delivery: good health through nutrition and exercise; optimal fetal positioning through the ways that I sit and lay down during the day and night, and positions learned from spinning babies; a strong knowledge of how regular labor and birth works, primarily through our childbirth class and also through our midwives and doulas; regular prenatal chiropractic and craniosacral appointments to keep my joints and muscles in line and stay non-stressed; and preparation to go through labor with the method of choice (for us it is hypnobirthing, i.e. helping me to learn how to relax, which is quite a task, haha). We are also fully confident that the presence of a birthing team that respects the natural process of labor and birth is one of the most important pieces of this journey, and the decisions we have made around who we wish to be joining us were made with specific purpose.
As the due date of this little Kozling draws nearer and nearer, we have become increasingly excited about the journeys ahead- the journey of labor and delivery, and then the everlasting journey of being parents to someone who is already so precious to us. While the parenthood journey still at times seems a bit daunting to us, our pending journey through the labor and birth of this baby places no stress on our minds. No journey is easy, and we know this may be one of the most trying of them all, but it will also be phenomenally rewarding, and we feel fully prepared and supported for it.
If you're interested in learning more about the process of natural birth, I highly encourage you to watch a documentary called "Orgasmic Birth." Yes, I know you're interested, and no, it's not just about what the title suggests. Jeremy begrudgingly watched it with me when we were assigned to watch it as homework for our childbirth class, and he ended up being very glad that he did watch it (seriously, ask him). We've now watched it twice. It is a great documentary that is non-alarmist; it provides very beneficial information in a very thoughtful and non-fear-based way. (Please ignore the poor production value and just take in the information!)
I also love this cartoon essay (shared with us by our (phenomenal!) childbirth class teacher) on the process of natural birth. The information provided in it gives great insight to the hows and whys of it all.
And, for fun, and also for information, this video called "The Performance" is comical, well put-together, and thought-provoking.
As a pregnant woman, and as a (inexperienced, but book smart) birth doula, talking with people about labor and birth is a passion of mine. Please please please reach out if you have any genuine questions about it. I have reason to believe that Jeremy would be more than happy to engage in discussion as well. We are not, however, at this time looking for anyone to debate or argue with on any of these matters. Positive thoughts and interactions only, while we continue to prepare for the journey ahead!
Thanks for reading, and if you are on a similar journey, may you find the place and process that works best for your family!
I am currently 32 weeks pregnant, and Jeremy and I are highly anticipating the arrival of our little one (affectionately known as the "Kozling" or just "baby" for the time being.) Aside from some minor grievances in early pregnancy, I have been feeling great, and this baby and my body have been doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing throughout this time.
Jeremy and I both knew before conception that we wanted very "hands-off" pregnancies. We live our day-to-day lives in a fairly natural and holistic way, and saw no reason for that to change in pregnancy. We both already viewed pregnancy and birth as a very natural process that typically needs nothing "extra" to help it along (might I add that I feel incredibly lucky to have married a man who was already leaning towards that point of view!)
With that in mind, we've actually declined all of the "normal" or "essential" processes / tests / milestones that the medical world puts an emphasis on during the 40 weeks of pregnancy. We decided to forego all ultrasounds and the use of a doppler to hear baby's heartbeat (we heard our little one's heart for the first time around 20 weeks, through a fetoscope, and it was a wonderful and beautiful moment.) We found no need for any procedures involving genetic testing, and we were able to decline the gestational diabetes test and all STD tests thanks to me and Jer's healthy lifestyle.
When we first found out we were pregnant, I did a lot of looking around to find a midwife who both Jeremy and I felt comfortable around, and who lined up with our values surrounding pregnancy and birth (most home birth or birthing center midwives do). We came across a midwife team who works together at most of the births they attend, and have been meeting with them for routine appointments since we were 8 weeks pregnant. We have felt incredibly respected and loved by them through this journey, and have very much appreciated that respect and love, especially in terms of just how "conservative" we have been with staying "hands-off."
Each of our prenatal meetings has been a wonderful hour-long discussion of how I am doing, how Jeremy is doing, how baby is doing. Our midwives have provided us with tools to make informed decisions about this pregnancy and about the birth, and have never once tried to sway us one direction or the other- simply fully supporting the decisions we have made based on the information provided to us. They are incredibly skilled at what they do, and we know that baby is healthy based on the measurements they take, blood work that has been drawn, and the information they take in when palpating my stomach- judging the amount of amniotic fluid, feeling the location and position of baby, listening to the (very healthy!) heartbeat with the fetoscope. They have given me guidance with nutrition and exercise during this pregnancy, and have expressed concern when circumstances warranted it (thankfully only once- when baby went through a growth spurt at 29 weeks and I was measuring just a tiny bit larger than maybe I should have. Not cause for major concern at all, but it was cause to suggest I stop binge-eating pineapple to give baby a break from all of that sugar, haha.)
As well as finding a midwife who we felt comfortable around, we knew it was also important to find a doula to be there for me and Jeremy and provide emotional, physical, and informational support before and during the birthing journey. A good friend of ours from church is an experienced birth doula, and I was able to attend a birth (as a doula-in-training, if you will) with her a few years ago. I knew then that I wanted her to be with me and Jeremy whenever that time came for us, and we are so happy to have her in our circle of support. And we are actually lucky to be doubling up on doulas too! Another friend of mine is a relatively newer doula, and she will be at the birth to support us as well as learn from our experienced midwives and other doula. There will also be one or two student midwives with us through our birthing journey. We feel very privileged to have so much loving support, and we know that our baby will be birthed into a place of love thanks in part to each of these women.
So, as per the title of this post, why have we chosen to pursue a home birth?
In the most simple terms, we believe that the process of labor and birth is incredibly natural, and so it works the best if you let it happen naturally.
Statistics show that once you enter a hospital in labor, many of these natural processes are essentially taken away from you, either by default or as a repercussion of something the hospital staff does or doesn't do. Hospitals have their own set of rules when it comes to labor and delivery, and they are very medicalized rules (as they need to be- hospitals are medical establishments). Jeremy and I just don't believe that labor and birth are medical processes; if you turn them into something medical, you are causing more harm than good.
We don't want continuous fetal monitoring, bright lights, strangers in the room, beeping machines, sterile gloves and masks. We don't want to be told I can't eat real food, or I have to stay in the bed, or I need an IV for hydration. We don't want my cervix to be checked unnecessarily, or to be asked if I want pain medication, or to feel rushed during labor, or to encounter anyone with unbelief that my body can handle it. We don't want an accidental or purposeful cascade of interventions that may lead to an unnecessary abdominal surgery. We don't want to have to fight for the opportunity for me to labor and birth our baby in the best position possible, physically and emotionally.
Perhaps many of these "don't wants" can sometimes be avoided in a hospital birth, but at the same time many of them cannot. An unmedicated birth can and does happen in hospitals, but we are looking for more than simply unmedicated. We are seeking a journey of freedom during our little one's birth, and we feel that the freedom we are searching for will be best found in the comfort of our home, surrounded by our support team with whom we all have mutual respect and love and trust.
At no point has this decision to birth our baby at home been one made to make a statement or prove anything. We have made this decision in the same way we make all of our important decisions: with plenty of real and true information, and out of a place of wisdom through prayer and serious conversation. With that, we have decided that this is the best decision for us.
Since my pregnancy has been incredibly healthy and completely normal, this gives us reason to believe that my body can and will handle labor and birth in a healthy and normal way. Since we will be surrounded by professionals who we trust entirely, who believe in the natural process my body will go through during the birthing experience, who fully support us in the decisions we have made, and who are incredibly skilled at what they do, we know that if transport to the hospital ends up happening, it is because being at the hospital is absolutely vital for the health of our baby and/or me, and no unnecessary medical decisions are being made. That is what the hospital is made for, when it comes to labor and delivery- when the uninterrupted, natural process of labor just isn't happening the way it should for one reason or another, and baby's or mom's health is in jeopardy. And we are very thankful to have access to great medical care in that aspect if the need arises.
We are at the same time very thankful that the likelihood of that need arising is slim, and we have been taking care throughout the duration of this pregnancy to do everything we can on our end to ensure a normal labor and delivery: good health through nutrition and exercise; optimal fetal positioning through the ways that I sit and lay down during the day and night, and positions learned from spinning babies; a strong knowledge of how regular labor and birth works, primarily through our childbirth class and also through our midwives and doulas; regular prenatal chiropractic and craniosacral appointments to keep my joints and muscles in line and stay non-stressed; and preparation to go through labor with the method of choice (for us it is hypnobirthing, i.e. helping me to learn how to relax, which is quite a task, haha). We are also fully confident that the presence of a birthing team that respects the natural process of labor and birth is one of the most important pieces of this journey, and the decisions we have made around who we wish to be joining us were made with specific purpose.
As the due date of this little Kozling draws nearer and nearer, we have become increasingly excited about the journeys ahead- the journey of labor and delivery, and then the everlasting journey of being parents to someone who is already so precious to us. While the parenthood journey still at times seems a bit daunting to us, our pending journey through the labor and birth of this baby places no stress on our minds. No journey is easy, and we know this may be one of the most trying of them all, but it will also be phenomenally rewarding, and we feel fully prepared and supported for it.
If you're interested in learning more about the process of natural birth, I highly encourage you to watch a documentary called "Orgasmic Birth." Yes, I know you're interested, and no, it's not just about what the title suggests. Jeremy begrudgingly watched it with me when we were assigned to watch it as homework for our childbirth class, and he ended up being very glad that he did watch it (seriously, ask him). We've now watched it twice. It is a great documentary that is non-alarmist; it provides very beneficial information in a very thoughtful and non-fear-based way. (Please ignore the poor production value and just take in the information!)
I also love this cartoon essay (shared with us by our (phenomenal!) childbirth class teacher) on the process of natural birth. The information provided in it gives great insight to the hows and whys of it all.
And, for fun, and also for information, this video called "The Performance" is comical, well put-together, and thought-provoking.
As a pregnant woman, and as a (inexperienced, but book smart) birth doula, talking with people about labor and birth is a passion of mine. Please please please reach out if you have any genuine questions about it. I have reason to believe that Jeremy would be more than happy to engage in discussion as well. We are not, however, at this time looking for anyone to debate or argue with on any of these matters. Positive thoughts and interactions only, while we continue to prepare for the journey ahead!
Thanks for reading, and if you are on a similar journey, may you find the place and process that works best for your family!
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