Christmas 2018

I’ve heard of these magical fairy unicorn pregnant women, the ones who wake up one morning having no idea their baby will be in their arms at the end of the day; the ones who go into labor without much forewarning and barely have time to call their midwives or make it to the hospital before the baby is born; the ones who want a natural birth and get to adhere to their birth plan and feel every beautiful and difficult part of labor and birth. I knew these women existed, and I never expected that I would have such an experience. Harrison’s birth, beautiful in its own way, was far from the magical unicorn experience mapped out above. He was born in the hospital, after I labored naturally for 48 hours at home and 13 hours in the hospital with an epidural and Pitocin and antibiotics and who knows what else. I had his birth to go off of and visualize as I made my way through 40 weeks of pregnancy with our little Kozling #2. I was fully aware that most second-time (and onward) pregnancies can result in shorter and more efficient labors, since the body has already done it once and so in essence already has everything figured out. And so with that knowledge, I would mention to people that I was holding space for a six hour labor- partially joking, as six hours just felt so short to me and I didn’t truly know if my body would handle labor that way. I figured anything shorter than 2.5 days would be great, or any length of time at all if I my baby could just be born at home. I did have trust in my body, but I was also trying to be realistic.

So when Christmas Day came and Braxton Hicks contractions started to become more frequent in their occurrences that morning and afternoon, I thought nothing of it. We opened presents with Harrison that morning and FaceTimed with both sides of the family- naturally fielding questions about how I was feeling, and not mentioning the Braxton Hicks because I didn't think they needed mentioning- and decided to go to the beach in the early afternoon. It was cold and windy in Playa del Rey, but we had a lovely time with Harrison, digging in the sand and making tunnels for his new toys, and appreciating the beauty of being outside. 

And so there I was at the beach, on the day of my baby’s birth, having no idea what was in store in just a few hours.

This was 5.5 hours before baby was in my arms. Look how unassuming I am!

Since our due date was Christmas Eve, we had no plans for celebrating Christmas. So, after the beach and some lunch, we walked from our apartment to a nearby park in the late afternoon. While there, the Braxton Hicks contractions started to occasionally have some minor cramp-like sensations associated with them. These feelings were far from unmanageable, and once again they were not unfamiliar feelings, as I had occasionally felt them over the previous weeks. So I thought nothing of them.

We walked home from the park around 4:30 and chatted about ordering takeout when we got back home. On that short walk I began to realize that I needed to start focusing on breathing through the cramp-like sensations, Once we got home I decided something *might* be happening, and as Jeremy was headed out the door around 5pm to pick up our dinner, I offhandedly mentioned that he should park on the street when he got home, so that our parking spot would be open for someone from our birth team, on the off chance I went in to labor that night. I kept Harrison busy for the 30 minutes that Jer was gone, and at the same time those crampy sensations started turning in to something I couldn't talk through. I remember sitting on the couch with Harrison reading him "One Fish, Two Fish" and needing to pause and stand up and work through each contraction while trying to make it through the book. 

And then Jeremy came home and I couldn't sit down and eat the take out that had sounded so good just an hour previous, and I couldn't have a two minute conversation with Jer without pausing to work through a contraction. He told me I needed to call our midwives (5:30pm at this point), and he emailed his work to let them know he wouldn't be in for the week ahead. And then I told him he was jumping the gun and shouldn't have emailed work so soon. I mean come on you guys, baby was literally born two hours later and I still wasn't convinced I was in labor.

I chatted with one of our midwives at 5:50pm and let her know the specifics of the events of the day and our parting words had to do with keeping in touch with her over the next few hours and we'd decide whether or not she needed to come over that night.

Fast forward to ten minutes later when I called my Mom to let her know that perhaps I *might* be in early labor but I wasn't sure yet. And I mentioned the realization that if baby was born in under six hours, it would be a Christmas baby. And in that two minute conversation with her I had to stop talking and work through two separate contractions, and then my waters broke. What?!

Let's just stop and consider the fact that I had to push for HOURS during Harrison's birth before my waters broke, and here I was standing in my bedroom, casually chatting on the phone with my Mom, and there it happened out of the blue, just like in the movies (except not just like, aside from the seeming spontaneity of it all).

Jeremy was trying to finish giving Harrison a bath, and went back and forth between the two of us to help me whenever I went through a contraction. My waters were a funky color and my midwife decided she needed to be there sooner than later so she started making her way over. The last text I sent my doula, after we determined she'd come between 7:00-7:30 (to help me while Jeremy got Harrison down for bedtime), was that she could take her time since our midwife was on the way. So yes I finally realized I was in labor, but all of this planning- Harrison's bedtime, not needing to rush anyone over- is kind of comical to look at in hindsight.

Our first midwife arrived around 6:45pm and a few things happened very quickly:
1. It was determined that I was 10cm already. 
2. She had come into the apartment in a rush and without her birthing supplies, and I vaguely remember her going back to her car to get the supplies and telling Jeremy to call her if he saw baby's head crowning. 
3. The color of my waters meant that I needed to go to the hospital, as home-birth midwives are not equipped to deal with the potential ramifications of waters not being clear. (AKA, baby had a bowel movement in utero and if baby aspirated meconium while I was in labor there could be very detrimental effects.) 

The only coherent words I could get out in between contractions at that point were "There's no way I can get in a car right now," and "I'm so flabbergasted!" 

Birth was imminent, which meant that more than likely our baby would have been born in an ambulance if we decided to go to the hospital. In the end, no decision was actually made concerning whether or not to stay home or call 911. Labor just kept on happening. I dug deep and told my baby that we were going to be just fine. It really could have gone either way, but that baby was coming out FAST and we just kept on keeping on.

My doula arrived around 7pm, having no idea that things had progressed so quickly. She came not a moment too soon, and I then clung to her for the next half hour in what was likely a death grip. She was such a light, such a calm presence, by my side for the rest of labor. Jeremy continued to alternate between me and Harrison (lol on the idea of Harrison going to bed by 7:30 that night!), and he stayed by my side for the end of it. Harrison came in and out of the room, giving me kisses and hugs and was unfazed by everything that was going on.

And then, just like that, at 7:39pm, my baby was born. And with baby's arrival was the most earth-shattering, BEAUTIFUL cry that I have ever heard. The loudest healthy cry. Clear lungs. A healthy baby, placed into my arms immediately while I sat in a wave of happy hormones, Jeremy's arms around the two of us, and Harrison wandering in to the bedroom, looking at us, and adorably voicing "Baby!" Oh, my heart, in those moments.

I then was able to lay down in the comfort of my own bed with my baby in my arms and relish in the moments that had just happened, with the two other people I love most in this world right by my side.

Baby came into this world the evening of December 25th, after three short hours of labor (mentally I didn't even realize I was in labor for the first 1.5 hours. It was quite the whirlwind.) It's been a month, and while naturally there have been ups and downs, I am still relishing in the beauty of our family of four.

In true Jeremy and Bekah fashion, we had still not agreed on a boy's name by the time I gave birth. We took a few minutes to get to know our little one before checking to see if we had a boy or girl, and when Jer finally checked, his laughter said it all. Another boy. Another precious little boy.

We finally decided on a name a few days later. So, world, meet Dylan Asher, one of the most laid-back babies I've ever met. He was born at 7lbs even and measured 19.5 inches long.

He will wear all of Harrison's hand-me-downs but is already very uniquely his own person. 

Harrison loves him like no other, and we do too. Our hearts doubled in size the moment Dylan was born, and it's hard to remember our family feeling complete without him.

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Why We Are Choosing a Home Birth

This post is on a topic that is a bit more personal than things I generally choose to share publicly (let's be honest, the only things I really share publicly are pictures of my cats and occasionally my wild ferments), but it is something I feel very passionate about, so I have decided to write it out. It is my hope that maybe just one person reads this and starts to consider things differently than they may have before.

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant, and Jeremy and I are highly anticipating the arrival of our little one (affectionately known as the "Kozling" or just "baby" for the time being.) Aside from some minor grievances in early pregnancy, I have been feeling great, and this baby and my body have been doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing throughout this time.

Jeremy and I both knew before conception that we wanted very "hands-off" pregnancies. We live our day-to-day lives in a fairly natural and holistic way, and saw no reason for that to change in pregnancy. We both already viewed pregnancy and birth as a very natural process that typically needs nothing "extra" to help it along (might I add that I feel incredibly lucky to have married a man who was already leaning towards that point of view!)

With that in mind, we've actually declined all of the "normal" or "essential" processes / tests / milestones that the medical world puts an emphasis on during the 40 weeks of pregnancy. We decided to forego all ultrasounds and the use of a doppler to hear baby's heartbeat (we heard our little one's heart for the first time around 20 weeks, through a fetoscope, and it was a wonderful and beautiful moment.) We found no need for any procedures involving genetic testing, and we were able to decline the gestational diabetes test and all STD tests thanks to me and Jer's healthy lifestyle.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I did a lot of looking around to find a midwife who both Jeremy and I felt comfortable around, and who lined up with our values surrounding pregnancy and birth (most home birth or birthing center midwives do). We came across a midwife team who works together at most of the births they attend, and have been meeting with them for routine appointments since we were 8 weeks pregnant. We have felt incredibly respected and loved by them through this journey, and have very much appreciated that respect and love, especially in terms of just how "conservative" we have been with staying "hands-off."

Each of our prenatal meetings has been a wonderful hour-long discussion of how I am doing, how Jeremy is doing, how baby is doing. Our midwives have provided us with tools to make informed decisions about this pregnancy and about the birth, and have never once tried to sway us one direction or the other- simply fully supporting the decisions we have made based on the information provided to us. They are incredibly skilled at what they do, and we know that baby is healthy based on the measurements they take, blood work that has been drawn, and the information they take in when palpating my stomach- judging the amount of amniotic fluid, feeling the location and position of baby, listening to the (very healthy!) heartbeat with the fetoscope. They have given me guidance with nutrition and exercise during this pregnancy, and have expressed concern when circumstances warranted it (thankfully only once- when baby went through a growth spurt at 29 weeks and I was measuring just a tiny bit larger than maybe I should have. Not cause for major concern at all, but it was cause to suggest I stop binge-eating pineapple to give baby a break from all of that sugar, haha.)

As well as finding a midwife who we felt comfortable around, we knew it was also important to find a doula to be there for me and Jeremy and provide emotional, physical, and informational support before and during the birthing journey. A good friend of ours from church is an experienced birth doula, and I was able to attend a birth (as a doula-in-training, if you will) with her a few years ago. I knew then that I wanted her to be with me and Jeremy whenever that time came for us, and we are so happy to have her in our circle of support. And we are actually lucky to be doubling up on doulas too! Another friend of mine is a relatively newer doula, and she will be at the birth to support us as well as learn from our experienced midwives and other doula. There will also be one or two student midwives with us through our birthing journey. We feel very privileged to have so much loving support, and we know that our baby will be birthed into a place of love thanks in part to each of these women.

So, as per the title of this post, why have we chosen to pursue a home birth?

In the most simple terms, we believe that the process of labor and birth is incredibly natural, and so it works the best if you let it happen naturally.

Statistics show that once you enter a hospital in labor, many of these natural processes are essentially taken away from you, either by default or as a repercussion of something the hospital staff does or doesn't do. Hospitals have their own set of rules when it comes to labor and delivery, and they are very medicalized rules (as they need to be- hospitals are medical establishments). Jeremy and I just don't believe that labor and birth are medical processes; if you turn them into something medical, you are causing more harm than good.

We don't want continuous fetal monitoring, bright lights, strangers in the room, beeping machines, sterile gloves and masks. We don't want to be told I can't eat real food, or I have to stay in the bed, or I need an IV for hydration. We don't want my cervix to be checked unnecessarily, or to be asked if I want pain medication, or to feel rushed during labor, or to encounter anyone with unbelief that my body can handle it. We don't want an accidental or purposeful cascade of interventions that may lead to an unnecessary abdominal surgery. We don't want to have to fight for the opportunity for me to labor and birth our baby in the best position possible, physically and emotionally.

Perhaps many of these "don't wants" can sometimes be avoided in a hospital birth, but at the same time many of them cannot. An unmedicated birth can and does happen in hospitals, but we are looking for more than simply unmedicated. We are seeking a journey of freedom during our little one's birth, and we feel that the freedom we are searching for will be best found in the comfort of our home, surrounded by our support team with whom we all have mutual respect and love and trust.

At no point has this decision to birth our baby at home been one made to make a statement or prove anything. We have made this decision in the same way we make all of our important decisions: with plenty of real and true information, and out of a place of wisdom through prayer and serious conversation. With that, we have decided that this is the best decision for us.

Since my pregnancy has been incredibly healthy and completely normal, this gives us reason to believe that my body can and will handle labor and birth in a healthy and normal way. Since we will be surrounded by professionals who we trust entirely, who believe in the natural process my body will go through during the birthing experience, who fully support us in the decisions we have made, and who are incredibly skilled at what they do, we know that if transport to the hospital ends up happening, it is because being at the hospital is absolutely vital for the health of our baby and/or me, and no unnecessary medical decisions are being made. That is what the hospital is made for, when it comes to labor and delivery- when the uninterrupted, natural process of labor just isn't happening the way it should for one reason or another, and baby's or mom's health is in jeopardy. And we are very thankful to have access to great medical care in that aspect if the need arises.

We are at the same time very thankful that the likelihood of that need arising is slim, and we have been taking care throughout the duration of this pregnancy to do everything we can on our end to ensure a normal labor and delivery: good health through nutrition and exercise; optimal fetal positioning through the ways that I sit and lay down during the day and night, and positions learned from spinning babies; a strong knowledge of how regular labor and birth works, primarily through our childbirth class and also through our midwives and doulas; regular prenatal chiropractic and craniosacral appointments to keep my joints and muscles in line and stay non-stressed; and preparation to go through labor with the method of choice (for us it is hypnobirthing, i.e. helping me to learn how to relax, which is quite a task, haha). We are also fully confident that the presence of a birthing team that respects the natural process of labor and birth is one of the most important pieces of this journey, and the decisions we have made around who we wish to be joining us were made with specific purpose.

As the due date of this little Kozling draws nearer and nearer, we have become increasingly excited about the journeys ahead- the journey of labor and delivery, and then the everlasting journey of being parents to someone who is already so precious to us. While the parenthood journey still at times seems a bit daunting to us, our pending journey through the labor and birth of this baby places no stress on our minds. No journey is easy, and we know this may be one of the most trying of them all, but it will also be phenomenally rewarding, and we feel fully prepared and supported for it.

If you're interested in learning more about the process of natural birth, I highly encourage you to watch a documentary called "Orgasmic Birth." Yes, I know you're interested, and no, it's not just about what the title suggests. Jeremy begrudgingly watched it with me when we were assigned to watch it as homework for our childbirth class, and he ended up being very glad that he did watch it (seriously, ask him). We've now watched it twice. It is a great documentary that is non-alarmist; it provides very beneficial information in a very thoughtful and non-fear-based way. (Please ignore the poor production value and just take in the information!)

I also love this cartoon essay (shared with us by our (phenomenal!) childbirth class teacher) on the process of natural birth. The information provided in it gives great insight to the hows and whys of it all.

And, for fun, and also for information, this video called "The Performance" is comical, well put-together, and thought-provoking.

As a pregnant woman, and as a (inexperienced, but book smart) birth doula, talking with people about labor and birth is a passion of mine. Please please please reach out if you have any genuine questions about it. I have reason to believe that Jeremy would be more than happy to engage in discussion as well. We are not, however, at this time looking for anyone to debate or argue with on any of these matters. Positive thoughts and interactions only, while we continue to prepare for the journey ahead!

Thanks for reading, and if you are on a similar journey, may you find the place and process that works best for your family!