Elimination Communication

Dirty diapers are supposed to be a fact of life with a baby. And we have our fair share, kind of. Plenty of diapers filled with pee, thrown in the wet bag, and washed every other day (more on cloth diapers another time. *edit, here is my post on cloth diapering) But dirty as in poop? Please no. I can't remember the last time I changed a poopy diaper, and for that I am grateful. But how? I promise you my little guy is healthy and normal and regular. It's just that he knows that poop goes in the potty, and so that's where he takes care of it. This is the stuff of Elimination Communication!

I can't remember where I first heard of EC, but I know that I learned of it either before or during my pregnancy. The general concept is that babies are born with an awareness of doing their business, and instinctually they'd much rather not dirty a diaper- but the faster-paced society we live in now, coupled with the convenience of disposable diapers, has made us essentially train our children to make dirty diapers. With EC, you learn your baby's signs for needing to go potty, and you give them the opportunity to do so on the toilet when they need to. You can start this as early as the day they are born. What's great is that EC can look different for everyone; there is not one single standard approach. Some families EC full time, and they may have their babies in underwear by one-year-old. Some EC only during the day, some only when they are at home, etc.
Much like you and your baby learn how to communicate about his hunger, or sleepiness, or happiness, or discomfort, overstimulation, you can learn how to communicate about his needs to relieve himself. EC was alluring to Jeremy and me because of that communication, we liked the idea of having one more way to connect with Harrison. We also prefer the language used in the EC community. Peeing in a diaper or any other undesirable location is not an "accident"- rather, it is a "miss." That simple rephrasing suits our gentle parenting hearts well. Additionally, "catching" it on the toilet is not meant to be some big celebration, it is instead just a fact of how things are meant to go, and is treated as such.
We started very casually EC-ing when Harrison was four months. In the early days, I gave him a lot of diaper free time on absorbent blankets and puddle pads, and spent that time observing him and looking for cues. Anytime he did go, I made a sound to associate with the action- "psssss" for pee, and a sort of grunting for poop. I also took note of how long he took to pee after he nursed. When he was in a diaper, I tried to change it every hour (and/or 20 minutes after nursing), in an effort to find a dry one and offer him the toilet (or the sink, initially.) I offered him the potty during every diaper change, regardless of it being wet or dry. When we were on the toilet, I cued him with the sounds for pee and poop as well as verbally asking him if he needed to go potty.
There was certainly a transitional time of missing almost everything as Harrison and I both tried to figure out what was going on, but after a short few weeks we sort of had it figured out, and we were noticeably going through less diapers.
Our casual EC-ing has remained casual, and evolved into simply offering the toilet with every diaper change (which is at most every two hours due to the cloth diapers.) I also offer him the toilet during transitional times- immediately after getting home, or waking up, or getting out of the carrier- as I've learned he is more prone to going at those times. We don't EC at night because Harrison is rarely fully awake throughout the night, and we didn't want to sacrifice that. This casual take on EC has led us to catching a handful of pees throughout the day; some days are better than others. Harrison truly understands the concept, but we never did work hard enough to get him to communicate a need to pee, and he is perfectly happy to go in his diaper if I don't happen to catch it.
But the glorious ease at catching poops will never be lost on me. He has always made it fairly obvious when he needs to do it, and I estimate that we've caught 80-90% on the toilet since he was six months old or so. And as a bonus (as is meant to be the general nature of EC), since he's been mobile, Harrison will come and get my attention when he needs to go- he will often crawl or walk up to me and tell me in his own way what he needs to do, and I bring him to the toilet to take care of it.
Though we never jumped in to EC full-time, I am hopeful that since Harrison has maintained his awareness of these important body functions, he will be fully diaper free long before it is the societal norm to start standard potty training. I'm in just as much uncharted territory as anyone else with a one-year-old, but I am hopeful that the past eight months of EC-ing will be beneficial in transitioning Harrison to be diaper free and potty independent sometime in the next six months. (And then say goodbye to washing all those diapers!)
(The book "The Diaper Free Baby" by Christine Gross-Loh was very helpful when we first started, and it was a simple and straightforward read. I was able to get it at the library- though I had to put it on hold and wait a few weeks ... I need to meet these other EC-ing families!)

My Soapbox

The other day I did something that I purposefully make a habit of not doing- I initiated and engaged in discussion of a hotly debated subject in an online community of Moms.

Three of my stronger personality traits are being quiet, reserved, and avoiding conflict. An instigator I am not. Argumentative?- Nope. Do I enjoy a healthy debate? I'd rather observe.

But I have passions. Ooooh do I have passions. And these passions invoke in me a wild animal persona that could chew your head off. Well, in my mind that is what I want to do. Outwardly that wild animal shows itself in the form of respectful conversation, careful questions, and information presented with a combination of research-based knowledge and heart. Lots of heart.

(Jeremy gets to hear it all unfiltered, and he definitely knows a side of me that doesn't get presented to the world.)

Catch me at the right moment, with the right side story, either positive or negative, about one of my passions, and I will engage with you for hours and likely still have more to say.

So back to the other day ...

I've made it no secret that our family bed shares. (I used to think I wanted to keep quiet about it, but, passions.) Harrison knows nothing different then sleeping every night in between Jeremy and me, and taking his naps in the middle of our mattress (or in the baby carrier.)

I am a new mom, but at this point not a brand new mom, and when I see newer families struggling with the adjustment of a newborn in their lives, I like to offer to them what works for us. Often those offerings are in the form of mentioning bed sharing. I don't like to tell people what to do, but I do like to share my viewpoint because far too often I only see very one-sided (i.e. mainstream) advice. Jeremy and I have found ourselves parenting in a way that is very different from mainstream, so I like to give my insights on the off-chance that they could be helpful for another family.

So in the case of online communities, I offer my insight and that's usually the end of it.

The other day after I replied to a Mom struggling with lack of sleep and asking for advice, of course I gave her encouragement and told her about our nighttime routine.

And there came a response directly after mine, a response from a pediatrician that said, in so many words, "Do not take that advice because it is dangerous, don't do it don't do it don't do it it's wrong and bad." The response also gave information about sleeping habits and gave a terribly unrealistic age (in terms of biological norms) that a baby should be sleeping through the night.

I read that and my heart fell, and then I felt an anger inside of me that I don't often feel. The wild animal was being unleashed, seriously. I don't care about someone offering a different opinion, but it really drives me crazy how mainstream parenting has become a set of rules, and if you deviate from them you are doing something wrong. After ruminating on it for a little while, I realized I couldn't stay quiet.

I respectfully responded with research-based information and throughout the day looked back to the thread and had a short, kind conversation that clearly had two very differing points of view, but we were able to each have our say. It was a pleasant enough conversation, and that was the end of the discussion.

But inwardly, I have not been able to shake it. That discussion has stayed with me for the past few days. Because I hate seeing parents being told what they can and can't do, I hate seeing alternative points of view passed off as reckless parenting, and I hate seeing babies posed as manipulating, trainable beings.

I often feel like modern parenting ideas have actually made parenting a baby more difficult than it already is. The general guidelines for mainstream parenting feel very frustrating and I believe they contribute to parents having all these questions about what babies "should" and "shouldn't" do, rather than reassuring that parenting with instinct is the best way.

Babies need to be close to their parents, they need to be fed, they need cuddles, and they need these things around the clock. I feel this is all instinctual if you take away the insecurities that can come up when you're trying to follow the "rules"- rules that are generally designed to try and make our babies less dependent on us. Our infant children are the most innocent and beautifully needy and dependent beings that we will ever know. They communicate and express their needs through their little (or loud) cries. It doesn't matter the time of day, or the circumstance, or the location. I have fully experienced the maternal instinct that is to tend to my baby when I hear him cry, as he is clearly expressing a need that I can and should meet- as his mother, as one of his parents, as a caregiver.

So why is there such a deeply ingrained idea in our society that the most vulnerable and needy among us should not be taken care of when it is inconvenient for the parent? Why are we told, time and time again, that our babies who can't even tell night from day are manipulating us to tend to them in the middle of the night and that their cries, their needs, should be ignored? I'm not trying to harp on any one type of parenting idea, but rather voice frustration that the common information given to inexperienced, malleable parents is information that has them parenting against their instincts. Who in their right mind- a mind free of fear, free of exhaustion, free of depression, free of other people's ideas stated as fact- would instinctually ignore a baby with a need?

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So yes, one part of parenting instinctively in our household means bed sharing. This is the best set up we've found to meet Harrison's needs as they arise throughout the night. But here's a confession: on a few occasions, I have had a more difficult night's sleep, because the idea of bed sharing worried me on those particular nights. There is a common thread that links these nights- they happen after I've read an article, or blog post, or friendly discussion, or heated debate about the (un)safety of bed sharing. I second-guess my clear maternal instincts and the set up that has worked wonderfully for our family anytime I see someone mention something bad about it. I'm not even one to care about other people's opinions, but the switch can flip that quickly for me anyway. Something about that is so wrong- how can an anecdote that someone else mentions bring me to such a state of fear that I worry about the way that I am parenting my child? I'm thankful I'm always able to quickly find my bearings again and go back to fearless, instinctive parenting.

Everyone from trained professionals to our next-door neighbors to the strangers we pass on the streets needs to STOP offering fear-based parenting techniques. In fact, next-door neighbors and strangers can stop offering unsolicited advice altogether, and my heart will sing the day that the trained professionals we trust with our children offer balanced viewpoints, rather than a checklist of "do's" and "don'ts." As parents, we know our babies better than anyone else, and it is our duty to care for our children the best we can- instinctively and fearlessly.

Why We Are Choosing a Home Birth

This post is on a topic that is a bit more personal than things I generally choose to share publicly (let's be honest, the only things I really share publicly are pictures of my cats and occasionally my wild ferments), but it is something I feel very passionate about, so I have decided to write it out. It is my hope that maybe just one person reads this and starts to consider things differently than they may have before.

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant, and Jeremy and I are highly anticipating the arrival of our little one (affectionately known as the "Kozling" or just "baby" for the time being.) Aside from some minor grievances in early pregnancy, I have been feeling great, and this baby and my body have been doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing throughout this time.

Jeremy and I both knew before conception that we wanted very "hands-off" pregnancies. We live our day-to-day lives in a fairly natural and holistic way, and saw no reason for that to change in pregnancy. We both already viewed pregnancy and birth as a very natural process that typically needs nothing "extra" to help it along (might I add that I feel incredibly lucky to have married a man who was already leaning towards that point of view!)

With that in mind, we've actually declined all of the "normal" or "essential" processes / tests / milestones that the medical world puts an emphasis on during the 40 weeks of pregnancy. We decided to forego all ultrasounds and the use of a doppler to hear baby's heartbeat (we heard our little one's heart for the first time around 20 weeks, through a fetoscope, and it was a wonderful and beautiful moment.) We found no need for any procedures involving genetic testing, and we were able to decline the gestational diabetes test and all STD tests thanks to me and Jer's healthy lifestyle.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I did a lot of looking around to find a midwife who both Jeremy and I felt comfortable around, and who lined up with our values surrounding pregnancy and birth (most home birth or birthing center midwives do). We came across a midwife team who works together at most of the births they attend, and have been meeting with them for routine appointments since we were 8 weeks pregnant. We have felt incredibly respected and loved by them through this journey, and have very much appreciated that respect and love, especially in terms of just how "conservative" we have been with staying "hands-off."

Each of our prenatal meetings has been a wonderful hour-long discussion of how I am doing, how Jeremy is doing, how baby is doing. Our midwives have provided us with tools to make informed decisions about this pregnancy and about the birth, and have never once tried to sway us one direction or the other- simply fully supporting the decisions we have made based on the information provided to us. They are incredibly skilled at what they do, and we know that baby is healthy based on the measurements they take, blood work that has been drawn, and the information they take in when palpating my stomach- judging the amount of amniotic fluid, feeling the location and position of baby, listening to the (very healthy!) heartbeat with the fetoscope. They have given me guidance with nutrition and exercise during this pregnancy, and have expressed concern when circumstances warranted it (thankfully only once- when baby went through a growth spurt at 29 weeks and I was measuring just a tiny bit larger than maybe I should have. Not cause for major concern at all, but it was cause to suggest I stop binge-eating pineapple to give baby a break from all of that sugar, haha.)

As well as finding a midwife who we felt comfortable around, we knew it was also important to find a doula to be there for me and Jeremy and provide emotional, physical, and informational support before and during the birthing journey. A good friend of ours from church is an experienced birth doula, and I was able to attend a birth (as a doula-in-training, if you will) with her a few years ago. I knew then that I wanted her to be with me and Jeremy whenever that time came for us, and we are so happy to have her in our circle of support. And we are actually lucky to be doubling up on doulas too! Another friend of mine is a relatively newer doula, and she will be at the birth to support us as well as learn from our experienced midwives and other doula. There will also be one or two student midwives with us through our birthing journey. We feel very privileged to have so much loving support, and we know that our baby will be birthed into a place of love thanks in part to each of these women.

So, as per the title of this post, why have we chosen to pursue a home birth?

In the most simple terms, we believe that the process of labor and birth is incredibly natural, and so it works the best if you let it happen naturally.

Statistics show that once you enter a hospital in labor, many of these natural processes are essentially taken away from you, either by default or as a repercussion of something the hospital staff does or doesn't do. Hospitals have their own set of rules when it comes to labor and delivery, and they are very medicalized rules (as they need to be- hospitals are medical establishments). Jeremy and I just don't believe that labor and birth are medical processes; if you turn them into something medical, you are causing more harm than good.

We don't want continuous fetal monitoring, bright lights, strangers in the room, beeping machines, sterile gloves and masks. We don't want to be told I can't eat real food, or I have to stay in the bed, or I need an IV for hydration. We don't want my cervix to be checked unnecessarily, or to be asked if I want pain medication, or to feel rushed during labor, or to encounter anyone with unbelief that my body can handle it. We don't want an accidental or purposeful cascade of interventions that may lead to an unnecessary abdominal surgery. We don't want to have to fight for the opportunity for me to labor and birth our baby in the best position possible, physically and emotionally.

Perhaps many of these "don't wants" can sometimes be avoided in a hospital birth, but at the same time many of them cannot. An unmedicated birth can and does happen in hospitals, but we are looking for more than simply unmedicated. We are seeking a journey of freedom during our little one's birth, and we feel that the freedom we are searching for will be best found in the comfort of our home, surrounded by our support team with whom we all have mutual respect and love and trust.

At no point has this decision to birth our baby at home been one made to make a statement or prove anything. We have made this decision in the same way we make all of our important decisions: with plenty of real and true information, and out of a place of wisdom through prayer and serious conversation. With that, we have decided that this is the best decision for us.

Since my pregnancy has been incredibly healthy and completely normal, this gives us reason to believe that my body can and will handle labor and birth in a healthy and normal way. Since we will be surrounded by professionals who we trust entirely, who believe in the natural process my body will go through during the birthing experience, who fully support us in the decisions we have made, and who are incredibly skilled at what they do, we know that if transport to the hospital ends up happening, it is because being at the hospital is absolutely vital for the health of our baby and/or me, and no unnecessary medical decisions are being made. That is what the hospital is made for, when it comes to labor and delivery- when the uninterrupted, natural process of labor just isn't happening the way it should for one reason or another, and baby's or mom's health is in jeopardy. And we are very thankful to have access to great medical care in that aspect if the need arises.

We are at the same time very thankful that the likelihood of that need arising is slim, and we have been taking care throughout the duration of this pregnancy to do everything we can on our end to ensure a normal labor and delivery: good health through nutrition and exercise; optimal fetal positioning through the ways that I sit and lay down during the day and night, and positions learned from spinning babies; a strong knowledge of how regular labor and birth works, primarily through our childbirth class and also through our midwives and doulas; regular prenatal chiropractic and craniosacral appointments to keep my joints and muscles in line and stay non-stressed; and preparation to go through labor with the method of choice (for us it is hypnobirthing, i.e. helping me to learn how to relax, which is quite a task, haha). We are also fully confident that the presence of a birthing team that respects the natural process of labor and birth is one of the most important pieces of this journey, and the decisions we have made around who we wish to be joining us were made with specific purpose.

As the due date of this little Kozling draws nearer and nearer, we have become increasingly excited about the journeys ahead- the journey of labor and delivery, and then the everlasting journey of being parents to someone who is already so precious to us. While the parenthood journey still at times seems a bit daunting to us, our pending journey through the labor and birth of this baby places no stress on our minds. No journey is easy, and we know this may be one of the most trying of them all, but it will also be phenomenally rewarding, and we feel fully prepared and supported for it.

If you're interested in learning more about the process of natural birth, I highly encourage you to watch a documentary called "Orgasmic Birth." Yes, I know you're interested, and no, it's not just about what the title suggests. Jeremy begrudgingly watched it with me when we were assigned to watch it as homework for our childbirth class, and he ended up being very glad that he did watch it (seriously, ask him). We've now watched it twice. It is a great documentary that is non-alarmist; it provides very beneficial information in a very thoughtful and non-fear-based way. (Please ignore the poor production value and just take in the information!)

I also love this cartoon essay (shared with us by our (phenomenal!) childbirth class teacher) on the process of natural birth. The information provided in it gives great insight to the hows and whys of it all.

And, for fun, and also for information, this video called "The Performance" is comical, well put-together, and thought-provoking.

As a pregnant woman, and as a (inexperienced, but book smart) birth doula, talking with people about labor and birth is a passion of mine. Please please please reach out if you have any genuine questions about it. I have reason to believe that Jeremy would be more than happy to engage in discussion as well. We are not, however, at this time looking for anyone to debate or argue with on any of these matters. Positive thoughts and interactions only, while we continue to prepare for the journey ahead!

Thanks for reading, and if you are on a similar journey, may you find the place and process that works best for your family!