"Early" Potty Training

On February 16th at 4pm I took Harrison's diaper off. While I did, I explained to him (as I had occasionally during the week previous), that we were now all done with diapers, and he wasn't going to wear them anymore. He had a hint of understanding- he seemed at first slightly sad, or concerned. He looked at his diaper all wrapped up on top of the changing table next to him and picked it up to study it. He's never been interested in looking at his dirty diapers before. I asked him if he wanted to throw it away, so he got down and took it to the trash can to drop it in. He gave it one last look, picked it back up for a brief moment, and then walked out of the bathroom play, buck naked. He was 21.5 months old.

It's been 10 days and he hasn't had a diaper on him since. (For better or worse!)

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Why February 16th? It was a Friday, and I had a half day of work. The following Monday Jeremy had off work. So Harrison got a good three and half days at home to start learning potty independence before we went back to our typical schedule. This was crucial to get a beneficial start.

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On that first afternoon/evening, Harrison wore no clothes and I stuck close to him the entire time. It was not a day to get distracted by my phone or wash dishes while he played independently. I kept a direct eye on him and kept him occupied with plenty of games and books and toys. When he did play independently, I sat out of the way but stayed close enough to continually observe. Anytime he started to pee, I moved him to his tiny potty and explained that pee goes in the potty, not on the floor. I had a spray bottle of 50/50 vinegar/water and a roll of paper towels nearby for the misses. As was expected, we had our fair share of misses. You can't potty train without misses. You just can't. At bedtime he wore long sleeves and pants as usual, but no diaper underneath. We explained to him that if he needed to pee, we would help him push down his pants and move him to his little potty that was right next to the bed. We made sure he peed just before he fell asleep, and then we woke him up a few hours later, around 11, and got him to pee again, half asleep. He woke up on his own two more times that night (as is very typical of him), and we got him to pee each time before I nursed him back to sleep. It was an exhausting night for all of us, and we had a small miss in the early hours of the morning, but the small consolation prize was that he slept until 9am! Learning new skills = sleep!

That next day Harrison gave us a lot of resistance and it was a loooooong day. He was still buck naked and we just stuck with him and moved him to the potty as we were able to. It felt very difficult and left me wondering why we started in the first place. He fought going on the potty, he fought nap time, he fought bedtime. He screamed and cried and choked on his tears and brought me to tears a few times, I felt so lost. That night was a lot of the same, though he stayed dry until 7am after refusing to sit on his potty two times throughout the night. Less sleep than the night before, and we felt slightly defeated.

Day three brought more misses. We mixed things up a bit and took him for a short walk outside, his first time with daytime pants on diaper-less. We visited an apartment open house (why?!) and as you can imagine the direction this story is going ... he left a large puddle for me to clean up, and I had to run home to get the spray bottle and paper towels. Oops. During nap time I re-read a few sections of the book we were using and realized that we were hovering too much and prompting too much, making it very, very stressful on Harrison (and us). The book also mentions days two and three are typically the most difficult in terms of resistance, and it gave some tools for how to handle it. We backed off on prompting and hovering, gave Harrison some small activities to keep him busy while on the potty, and had a lot of success the rest of the day.

That night was another frustrating night of resistance, but yet another night of him staying dry even while refusing to sit on the potty.

Day four brought mixed success, but increasing resistance as the day went on. He had a very rough evening, everything was off- not just potty training. He refused to sit at the dinner table, he refused to let us brush his teeth, he was angry as we helped him with his pajamas, he screamed for the potty as Jer was trying to get him to go to bed, but screamed for the bed as soon as he was on the potty. The whole thing was emotionally draining for all of us. I was a wreck the next morning, day five, and it was the first day he was coming back to work with me. I spent the day partially in tears, cleaning up more misses than I could keep track of, and dealing with the general goings-ons of an almost 2-year-old and an almost 1-year-old and an excitable dog.

BUT. But, but but.

At the end of the workday I made sure to let Harrison know that I needed him to pee before we got in the car to go home. The time came, and I locked us in the bathroom, distraction-free, and he fought me for a bit. We chatted, we played with some toys, we sang some songs, we counted to 20, etc etc etc. He wouldn't sit and wouldn't sit and wouldn't sit. Until then he did. He signed "potty" and sat and peed. Without any effort on my part. He just did it. What?

Looking back, that was the turning point, towards the end of day five. Something clicked, he changed his mind about all the resistance, he realized I wasn't messing around, he knew this was the new normal, and he complied- happily. We had an easy evening together, the three of us. We had an enjoyable family dinner, we played some games, he used the potty without issue whenever we prompted, and he went to bed simply. Our toddler was back. And he was ready to use the potty.

The days after that have been enjoyable, and we are back to our usual routines. Harrison is commando all day- we will start using underwear in a few weeks when he's (hopefully) forgotten the muscle memory of "something is tight around my bum, I guess I'm allowed to relieve myself in it." We've been averaging one or two misses per day, mostly at times that I realize in hindsight I should have thought to prompt him. He is not doing much self-prompting at this time, but he is better at holding it than he used to be. I have a good idea of when to prompt him, and I keep in the back of my mind how much liquid he's had to gauge when he may need to go again. We always get the "easy" catches: first thing in the morning, and during times of transition- leaving to go for a walk, coming back home from a walk or whatnot, before/after nap time, before bedtime. Overnights typically have one or two wakes to pee/nurse, and he easily falls back asleep. We've only had one nighttime miss in the past five days. He has stayed consistently dry every single nap (knock on wood) throughout the entire process.

Takeaways-

I am so glad we did this now. There's going to be resistance to the process at any age, and we've already gotten past the hump. I am not naive to the fact that there will be some regression at times, and I'll still be cleaning up misses for a while. But he is coming up on 22 months old, and putting his pee/poo in the potty has been fully normalized to him already. I am very proud of that for him.

Did elimination communication help? Yes, and no. EC and potty training are two separate processes. And we did EC casually and part-time, and we were unfortunately in the midst of an EC regression when we started potty training. However, EC DID help to normalize using the potty, and I think the biggest help is that it normalized pooping on the potty. We always had better success with poo rather than with pee during our EC journey. We've caught probably 80% of poos on the potty since he was around 6 months old. I am forever grateful that we are not dealing with a toddler who is afraid to poop on the potty, or flat out refuses too, or screams for a diaper to poop in, or poops in the corner of the house. It's been so normalized to Harrison from so early on that we have had zero issues with it. Praise be!

Ideas like "getting him used to the potty first" or wearing training pants or using sticker charts to celebrate success or bribing with any number of things. I'm so happy we didn't have that mindset. The method we used makes some great points about the detriment of many of those options and strongly urges against them. I believe we have had a better outcome due to avoiding all of that.

The process of potty training over the past ten days has helped Jeremy and I to have some good and tough discussions about our parenting style and setting boundaries. It's helped me to firm up some of my slippery ideas of being very laid back about Harrison's wants. It's helped us to find some firm boundaries that can be set to help Harrison be more confident in his surroundings. It's helped me to continue to learn a better balance of being laid back and being firm, without being shameful or unkind. This is the first thing that Jeremy and I have actively taught Harrison, and the first thing that Harrison has actively learned from us. The beginning of it was SO hard, and being on the other side of that difficulty is SO rewarding.

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We went out to eat on Saturday and we went out for ice cream on Sunday. I wasn't even concerned about Harrison being diaper-free. And he proved I had no reason to be. We got to each location and held him over the big potty to relieve himself, and he did, and we went on with our business, hanging out with friends and eating delicious food. The normalcy of that gives me a sense of awe, and admittedly a bit of a pat on my back as well. I'm just very happy about it. And now I want to shout from the hills that everyone can do this.

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We used the method in Jamie Glowacki's book "Oh Crap! Potty Training." I recommend it 100%. Clearly we've had good success with it, but aside from that I also appreciate her outlook on parenting, and setting limits, and her no-nonsense attitude about some aspects of potty training, and her SHAME-FREE approach to it all. Her method is broken down simply in the book, and there is a large section dedicated to "troubleshooting," if you will. I was re-reading and re-reading and re-reading it throughout the first few days of potty training. (We're borrowing a copy from the library and I have so far renewed it three times!) I also found so much support and solidarity in a Facebook group of parents who are using the same method. Also, FYI, you don't have to do daytime and nighttime training at the same time, that was personal preference for Jeremy and me. And I am very glad we did it that way, I think it's one more way we've set Harrison up for success, even as it is a bit more work for us.

*I will repeat, we are not "done" potty training yet, by any stretch. I know that. Harrison is barely self-prompting, and we are only 10 days in so I am fully aware that there will be PLENTY more misses. I don't leave the house without at least three extra pairs of pants and socks for him, and quite a few hand towels, at the very least. We go to work with the vinegar spray bottle and a huge roll of paper towels, just in case. And he sleeps on the bed on top of a wool pad and a folded over fleece blanket. We are prepared for the worst while continuing to give Harrison tools to set him up for success each day and night. And each day gets a little bit better, and our collective confidence continues to grow.

Family bed, set up for potty training success.
Maybe the next post will be about sharing our bed with our toddler and three cats.
Oh hey, Oscar!

Elimination Communication

Dirty diapers are supposed to be a fact of life with a baby. And we have our fair share, kind of. Plenty of diapers filled with pee, thrown in the wet bag, and washed every other day (more on cloth diapers another time. *edit, here is my post on cloth diapering) But dirty as in poop? Please no. I can't remember the last time I changed a poopy diaper, and for that I am grateful. But how? I promise you my little guy is healthy and normal and regular. It's just that he knows that poop goes in the potty, and so that's where he takes care of it. This is the stuff of Elimination Communication!

I can't remember where I first heard of EC, but I know that I learned of it either before or during my pregnancy. The general concept is that babies are born with an awareness of doing their business, and instinctually they'd much rather not dirty a diaper- but the faster-paced society we live in now, coupled with the convenience of disposable diapers, has made us essentially train our children to make dirty diapers. With EC, you learn your baby's signs for needing to go potty, and you give them the opportunity to do so on the toilet when they need to. You can start this as early as the day they are born. What's great is that EC can look different for everyone; there is not one single standard approach. Some families EC full time, and they may have their babies in underwear by one-year-old. Some EC only during the day, some only when they are at home, etc.
Much like you and your baby learn how to communicate about his hunger, or sleepiness, or happiness, or discomfort, overstimulation, you can learn how to communicate about his needs to relieve himself. EC was alluring to Jeremy and me because of that communication, we liked the idea of having one more way to connect with Harrison. We also prefer the language used in the EC community. Peeing in a diaper or any other undesirable location is not an "accident"- rather, it is a "miss." That simple rephrasing suits our gentle parenting hearts well. Additionally, "catching" it on the toilet is not meant to be some big celebration, it is instead just a fact of how things are meant to go, and is treated as such.
We started very casually EC-ing when Harrison was four months. In the early days, I gave him a lot of diaper free time on absorbent blankets and puddle pads, and spent that time observing him and looking for cues. Anytime he did go, I made a sound to associate with the action- "psssss" for pee, and a sort of grunting for poop. I also took note of how long he took to pee after he nursed. When he was in a diaper, I tried to change it every hour (and/or 20 minutes after nursing), in an effort to find a dry one and offer him the toilet (or the sink, initially.) I offered him the potty during every diaper change, regardless of it being wet or dry. When we were on the toilet, I cued him with the sounds for pee and poop as well as verbally asking him if he needed to go potty.
There was certainly a transitional time of missing almost everything as Harrison and I both tried to figure out what was going on, but after a short few weeks we sort of had it figured out, and we were noticeably going through less diapers.
Our casual EC-ing has remained casual, and evolved into simply offering the toilet with every diaper change (which is at most every two hours due to the cloth diapers.) I also offer him the toilet during transitional times- immediately after getting home, or waking up, or getting out of the carrier- as I've learned he is more prone to going at those times. We don't EC at night because Harrison is rarely fully awake throughout the night, and we didn't want to sacrifice that. This casual take on EC has led us to catching a handful of pees throughout the day; some days are better than others. Harrison truly understands the concept, but we never did work hard enough to get him to communicate a need to pee, and he is perfectly happy to go in his diaper if I don't happen to catch it.
But the glorious ease at catching poops will never be lost on me. He has always made it fairly obvious when he needs to do it, and I estimate that we've caught 80-90% on the toilet since he was six months old or so. And as a bonus (as is meant to be the general nature of EC), since he's been mobile, Harrison will come and get my attention when he needs to go- he will often crawl or walk up to me and tell me in his own way what he needs to do, and I bring him to the toilet to take care of it.
Though we never jumped in to EC full-time, I am hopeful that since Harrison has maintained his awareness of these important body functions, he will be fully diaper free long before it is the societal norm to start standard potty training. I'm in just as much uncharted territory as anyone else with a one-year-old, but I am hopeful that the past eight months of EC-ing will be beneficial in transitioning Harrison to be diaper free and potty independent sometime in the next six months. (And then say goodbye to washing all those diapers!)
(The book "The Diaper Free Baby" by Christine Gross-Loh was very helpful when we first started, and it was a simple and straightforward read. I was able to get it at the library- though I had to put it on hold and wait a few weeks ... I need to meet these other EC-ing families!)

My Soapbox

The other day I did something that I purposefully make a habit of not doing- I initiated and engaged in discussion of a hotly debated subject in an online community of Moms.

Three of my stronger personality traits are being quiet, reserved, and avoiding conflict. An instigator I am not. Argumentative?- Nope. Do I enjoy a healthy debate? I'd rather observe.

But I have passions. Ooooh do I have passions. And these passions invoke in me a wild animal persona that could chew your head off. Well, in my mind that is what I want to do. Outwardly that wild animal shows itself in the form of respectful conversation, careful questions, and information presented with a combination of research-based knowledge and heart. Lots of heart.

(Jeremy gets to hear it all unfiltered, and he definitely knows a side of me that doesn't get presented to the world.)

Catch me at the right moment, with the right side story, either positive or negative, about one of my passions, and I will engage with you for hours and likely still have more to say.

So back to the other day ...

I've made it no secret that our family bed shares. (I used to think I wanted to keep quiet about it, but, passions.) Harrison knows nothing different then sleeping every night in between Jeremy and me, and taking his naps in the middle of our mattress (or in the baby carrier.)

I am a new mom, but at this point not a brand new mom, and when I see newer families struggling with the adjustment of a newborn in their lives, I like to offer to them what works for us. Often those offerings are in the form of mentioning bed sharing. I don't like to tell people what to do, but I do like to share my viewpoint because far too often I only see very one-sided (i.e. mainstream) advice. Jeremy and I have found ourselves parenting in a way that is very different from mainstream, so I like to give my insights on the off-chance that they could be helpful for another family.

So in the case of online communities, I offer my insight and that's usually the end of it.

The other day after I replied to a Mom struggling with lack of sleep and asking for advice, of course I gave her encouragement and told her about our nighttime routine.

And there came a response directly after mine, a response from a pediatrician that said, in so many words, "Do not take that advice because it is dangerous, don't do it don't do it don't do it it's wrong and bad." The response also gave information about sleeping habits and gave a terribly unrealistic age (in terms of biological norms) that a baby should be sleeping through the night.

I read that and my heart fell, and then I felt an anger inside of me that I don't often feel. The wild animal was being unleashed, seriously. I don't care about someone offering a different opinion, but it really drives me crazy how mainstream parenting has become a set of rules, and if you deviate from them you are doing something wrong. After ruminating on it for a little while, I realized I couldn't stay quiet.

I respectfully responded with research-based information and throughout the day looked back to the thread and had a short, kind conversation that clearly had two very differing points of view, but we were able to each have our say. It was a pleasant enough conversation, and that was the end of the discussion.

But inwardly, I have not been able to shake it. That discussion has stayed with me for the past few days. Because I hate seeing parents being told what they can and can't do, I hate seeing alternative points of view passed off as reckless parenting, and I hate seeing babies posed as manipulating, trainable beings.

I often feel like modern parenting ideas have actually made parenting a baby more difficult than it already is. The general guidelines for mainstream parenting feel very frustrating and I believe they contribute to parents having all these questions about what babies "should" and "shouldn't" do, rather than reassuring that parenting with instinct is the best way.

Babies need to be close to their parents, they need to be fed, they need cuddles, and they need these things around the clock. I feel this is all instinctual if you take away the insecurities that can come up when you're trying to follow the "rules"- rules that are generally designed to try and make our babies less dependent on us. Our infant children are the most innocent and beautifully needy and dependent beings that we will ever know. They communicate and express their needs through their little (or loud) cries. It doesn't matter the time of day, or the circumstance, or the location. I have fully experienced the maternal instinct that is to tend to my baby when I hear him cry, as he is clearly expressing a need that I can and should meet- as his mother, as one of his parents, as a caregiver.

So why is there such a deeply ingrained idea in our society that the most vulnerable and needy among us should not be taken care of when it is inconvenient for the parent? Why are we told, time and time again, that our babies who can't even tell night from day are manipulating us to tend to them in the middle of the night and that their cries, their needs, should be ignored? I'm not trying to harp on any one type of parenting idea, but rather voice frustration that the common information given to inexperienced, malleable parents is information that has them parenting against their instincts. Who in their right mind- a mind free of fear, free of exhaustion, free of depression, free of other people's ideas stated as fact- would instinctually ignore a baby with a need?

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So yes, one part of parenting instinctively in our household means bed sharing. This is the best set up we've found to meet Harrison's needs as they arise throughout the night. But here's a confession: on a few occasions, I have had a more difficult night's sleep, because the idea of bed sharing worried me on those particular nights. There is a common thread that links these nights- they happen after I've read an article, or blog post, or friendly discussion, or heated debate about the (un)safety of bed sharing. I second-guess my clear maternal instincts and the set up that has worked wonderfully for our family anytime I see someone mention something bad about it. I'm not even one to care about other people's opinions, but the switch can flip that quickly for me anyway. Something about that is so wrong- how can an anecdote that someone else mentions bring me to such a state of fear that I worry about the way that I am parenting my child? I'm thankful I'm always able to quickly find my bearings again and go back to fearless, instinctive parenting.

Everyone from trained professionals to our next-door neighbors to the strangers we pass on the streets needs to STOP offering fear-based parenting techniques. In fact, next-door neighbors and strangers can stop offering unsolicited advice altogether, and my heart will sing the day that the trained professionals we trust with our children offer balanced viewpoints, rather than a checklist of "do's" and "don'ts." As parents, we know our babies better than anyone else, and it is our duty to care for our children the best we can- instinctively and fearlessly.