Almost a year, still attached

We are officially a week out from Harrison's first birthday, and of course I am wondering "where did the time go??" but all the same, this milestone isn't (yet) making me feel overly emotional, though it's definitely making me feel very introspective. As I touched on a few months ago, sometimes I still look back and wish better for Harrison in his younger months, and I'm sure that trend will continue as long as I let it. It's been a year full of learning- the beginning of the never-ending task of learning how to be a parent. Learning how to parent in the way that is right for our family. Learning to be confident in the decisions Jeremy and I make for our family. Learning to navigate life when there is more than just "me" to care for.

Harrison has certainly become a little child, very very quickly. He has opinions. Strong ones. Like how behind the toilet has to be the best place to play in the apartment, no matter how often Mama tells him it's not. Or how the cat food must be delicious, even after he's turned down every variety of liquids and solids. Or that sometimes Daddy is the ONLY person he wants, but other times Mama is the ONLY person he wants. And, recently, that receiving a strawberry from someone immediately makes that person a friend.

What's surprising me more these days than Harrison and his upcoming first birthday is not really how he has changed, but how I have changed- and even more how I have not changed.

Once Harrison was born, I nestled myself into our apartment and it became my cozy cocoon. I ventured out for a few walks in those early weeks, but mostly stayed inside and focused on our family of three (six. Harrison truly thinks the cats are his brother and sisters). I dropped everything- no more volunteering at church, no more orchestra, late nights with friends (while already a rarity) became nonexistent. I dropped these things not because I felt the need to, but because I felt the want to. I wanted to stay in my bubble and focus on the newness of our little family. The surprise came, months later, when I realized I still wanted that. And then a few months later yet, when I was still focused inward to our family. Even still these days, I am very focused on our life at home, on being with Harrison as often as possible, on enjoying family time together, on being home for every single bedtime.

Twice in this year Jeremy and I have left Harrison with friends to go out together. Twice more, I have left Harrison with Jeremy to be out of the apartment for more than an hour. And a handful of times, I have given myself the luxury of going on a quick grocery run all by myself.

To some- that likely sounds like a nightmare- having a kid and losing that time to feel like an adult without the immediate responsibility of your child. I full support that- go be you! But for me, I much prefer to be with Harrison more often than not. This first year of him being "attached," if you will, to me- it has been beautiful and everything I dreamed of for our family. And I am truly not ready for that to change. I really thought that by now I would be ready to do things away from Harrison. But it's just not the way things worked out, and as we are all very happy with the way our family is run, there is no need to change it. So we will venture forth in this next year and see what comes of our little family, and continue to learn together.