Today Harrison is nine months old. This number, the amount of time, is so small yet so large. This "birthday," if you will, feels significant because he has now been on this side of the world for as long as he was being knit together in my womb. Today will likely be just a typical day, but it feels weighty with the transition of him experiencing life on the outside for a longer spread of time than being carried inside of me.
Yesterday a friend asked me how I feel about his first birthday approaching so quickly. Amazed is my first answer, amazed at how fast he's growing up, at everything he's capable of, at the fact that Jeremy and I are trusted to raise him up in the way he should go. But aside from constant amazement, I also have this yearning and want for what has already been- things I can't get back but wish I could, even while being excited about the future. I look back on these past nine months and even though I've been directly with him for probably 98% of his life, I feel like I've missed so much. No one is joking when they talk about the time flying by. And I reminisce and also wish, even though things have been fine and even great, that the knowledge I've gained over these past nine months had already been there when he was born, that as a newborn he could have had me at my best, or at least at my better, rather than relying on a new mom who was and still is constantly learning, constantly making mistakes, constantly getting distracted. Of course that's not how these things go, instead you learn and better yourself through the experience. For all the things I've learned, for all the things I've done well, I've failed at others. And that is being a parent, right? That's simply life, really.
I'm grateful for what raising Harrison has taught me so far, for the patience I've learned to store up, for this season of letting go, of learning to worry less and embrace more. I'm so thankful for him, for the quiet moments watching him sleep, for his belly laughs and the way his eyes smile, for the excitement he has when Jeremy gets home from work, for the voracious eater he's become, for his obvious love of animals, for our snuggles all night long, for his resilience when he is working on a new skill, for both his independence and interdependence, and for his beautiful and sometimes maddening personality trait of never ever ever giving up when he wants something.
Harrison has rocked my world and I never want my old life back. It's amazing what can happen in nine months, in eighteen months. I'm sure in nine years, eighteen years, I'll look back and say the same thing.
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To add some lightheartedness, in the past two weeks after just small moments of distraction, I found Harrison in situations that you just can't make up. For one, he straight up ate about 3/4 of an insurance card to our new car, and separately, after noticing his increased fussiness over the span of about ten seconds, I found him with the basket of cat toys overturned, and a ping pong ball stuck in his mouth. Life would be so boring with perfect parenting!
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