6 Weeks Pregnant

This post could also easily be titled "12 Hours of Sleep Isn't Enough!" or "Why Doesn't My Favorite Food Sound Appetizing Anymore?" or simply "My Hormones Are Attacking Me!!!"

You guys.

Jeremy and I found out fairly early- when we were 3.5 weeks pregnant. (Which made baby only 1.5 weeks old, according to the way you're supposed to measure pregnancy.) I felt so completely normal when I took that pregnancy test that even though I was hopeful, I was incredibly surprised by those two telltale lines that meant "positive." The only reason I bothered to take the test at all was because of one very minor change that I had essentially already passed off as me reading in to things too much (and even if I was, I guess I actually wasn't. P.S, breasts take no time at all to start getting ready for baby).

So what I mean by all that is that I was pregnant, and I didn't feel pregnant. And I was naively hopeful that it meant I would continue to not feel pregnant.

So I kept right on with taking my cod liver oil/butter blend capsules, I started getting my stomach used to desiccated liver capsules, and I purchased 800 mcg Metafolin tablets to start taking once per day. I continued running in the mornings; I was, after all, training for a half marathon that I was scheduled to run on September 13th. And I did my best to amp up the nutrition in my already nutritious diet. All the kale, more chicken (just coming off of a 6-year stint as a strict vegetarian, I was only eating chicken once every week or two), lots of pastured eggs, raw milk, raw butter, bone broth, even more coconut oil, more home-fermented foods, no gluten. I wanted to, best I could, follow many of the Weston A. Price guidelines for pregnant and nursing mothers.

But then 6 weeks happened.

And then one day I was eating one of my favorite meals for lunch- a chickpea and broccoli burrito filling, topped with plenty of fermented salsa and mixed with spinach as a salad. And about halfway through eating that lunch, I realized each bite was getting more difficult than the previous. I forced myself through a few more bites, and all of the sudden this favorite meal of mine seemed absolutely detestable. I couldn't do it. I threw my lunch away. You guys- I THREW MY LUNCH AWAY. I hate wasting food. But I just.couldn't.look.at.it.

I don't remember what I ate the rest of the day, but I do remember than anytime I thought about that lunch, I got a very repulsive feeling in my stomach.

In the week following, my diet downgraded to mostly bagels and cream cheese, with the occasional cheese pizza or macaroni and cheese. Literally every day for a week, those are the only foods my stomach and brain could handle. Oh, and in that same week, I realized that my normal 8-9 hours of sleep just were NOT cutting it. And dragging myself out of bed early before work so that I could go on a run (remember- training for a half marathon) just was NOT an option. And in the middle of a four day vacation over Labor Day (read: all of the sleeping I didn't realize I was capable of), I found myself weepy on the phone with Jeremy, trying to find words to explain that I didn't think I could run a half marathon in two weeks, because just thinking about the 6:30am start time was stressing me out. (In life outside of pregnancy, I love being a morning person.) Oh- and those cod liver oil and dried liver capsules? Sure, my palate was okay with them, as the capsules themselves have no flavor, and I was so happy to be getting at least something nutritious in me. BUT then there was that day that trying to swallow one of those "enormous" capsules (regular sized, typically very easy to get down) resulted in a gag reflex that brought on the worst wave of nausea I have so far experienced in this pregnancy. And don't even get me started on my fridge full of home-fermented foods. I can't even look at them without remembering how bad this pregnancy makes me think they smell.

I am incredibly thankful that I haven't experienced any of the crazy morning sickness that many encounter during the first trimester. Exhaustion and food aversions are nothing compared to not being able to keep food down. I don't want to belittle that, and I so feel for those who have dealt with it. I don't know how you do it.

The funny thing about early pregnancy, at least for me, is that it is already a learning experience. As someone who does a pretty thorough job of micro-managing her life, I have learned these past few weeks to LET GO.

Somewhere between throwing away my garbanzo beans and picking up my 20th bagel and cream cheese, sitting on the couch too tired to do anything but binge-watch Scrubs, I realized that it was going to be okay only if I let myself think that way. So I did. I let myself eat what my body was asking for. I stopped setting my alarm clock. I did not go and run that half-marathon. I stopped micro-managing and started listening. And while it was a bit of a rough patch regardless of how I chose to get through it, I firmly believe that changing my mindset made it immensely easier.

And here I am, three and a half weeks later, and starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Vegetables are tasty again! I've graduated to peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches instead of bagels and cream cheese. I did some jogging in the middle of a long walk the other day. Vacuuming my apartment doesn't result in me needing to lay on the couch doing nothing for a half hour afterwards. I'm still a few weeks away from the second trimester, but I can see it. And it seems so much more reachable with this beautiful mindset of listening and letting go.