A Day in the Life

(This was written a few days ago.)

Only a few things can make you jump out of bed from a dead sleep and become almost wide awake at 5:30am.

Today, Jeremy mumbled something to me shortly after Harrison had woken me up to nurse, and I had no idea what he said and almost ignored him but asked him to say it again. After he repeated himself and I realized my good friend was in labor, five weeks early, and I had missed the call because it was so early that I wasn't even expecting a middle of the night call, my mind was wide awake, and my body followed.

Funny how we hadn't even planned what we would do with Harrison when I went to attend my friend's birth, as we figured we had plenty of time to sort it out.

I threw some clothes on, kissed my sleeping baby goodbye, and told Jeremy "good luck," because that's what you need when you're thrown into bringing your 11-month-old to work for an undetermined amount of time, right?

This is only the second time I've left Harrison for more than an hour or so (the first time was for another friend's birth), and it is so bittersweet. It was a bit easier this time, as even though he is still getting most of his nutrients from nursing, he is not entirely dependent on me if I'm not available. So for much of the day he subsisted on bone broth, egg yolk, avocado, and sauerkraut. Not too shabby, thanks Jer!

But emotionally, I still prefer to be with my baby almost all hours of the day. It's just what feels right to me, and it seems as though Harrison agrees. But it truly was a bit easier this time around, and for that I am thankful.

Being with a family as they welcome their baby into the world is such a beautiful experience, and even more so when the parents are close friends. I love watching the strength of the father, as he comforts his wife, speaks to her peacefully, loves on her in a language the two of them understand. I love watching the strength of a mother, as she breathes through pressure waves, relaxes deeply, allows her body to take over, surrendering to the primal beauty of birthing a baby. 

There is truly nothing like it.

I cried right along with them (on the sidelines) when they got to hold and meet their baby for the first time on this side of the world. New life is such a celebration. The privilege of being present in those moments will never be lost on me.

And the privilege of then going home to be with my baby will also never be lost on me. Harrison and I spent the remainder of the day reconnecting. Nursing in bed, napping together, babywearing. Letting go of other obligations and being present with my son.

I am continually in awe of the beauty of life.

Little Man is (Almost!) Walking

Little guy has enjoyed being mobile for quite some time- he started crawling just after he turned six months, and started walking with assistance just a month later.

As soon as he could walk with assistance, he learned to pull himself up on ... everything ... and cruise to get where he wanted. So crawling wasn't happening exclusively, and when it was happening, his crawl was more of an army crawl- he never got up on his hands and knees, instead he used his upper body strength to pull himself forward and drag his legs behind him. It was cute for a while- still is, kind of- but after months of army crawling, I was a bit curious about his lack of hands and knees crawling. I'd read (and was told) that real crawling was an important milestone for neurological development- something about the left and right side of the body working together to help the left and right brain learn to work together.

Let me pause this story for a moment and make note that this was never a source of actual *worry* for me. I really believe kids develop on their own timeline, and there's no need to freak out if they aren't doing what everyone else says they should be doing. From the beginning I've let Harrison just do his thing, and I want Jeremy and I to continue to parent that way. There's no need to force things on our children.

But even with a lack of worry, there was still a curiosity. And when Harrison took his first unassisted steps just before his 10 month birthday (why so early little guy?! Mama gets no breaks!), I reached out to our chiropractor for her insight.

Harrison was adjusted at just a few days old, and once or twice after that as well. We are looking forward to more regular visits once we have two full-time incomes again. I truly believe regular chiropractic care is the basis for a healthy body. And we are so lucky to have the most loving, compassionate, and knowledgeable chiropractor just a mile from our apartment.

So when I reached out to Dr. Maura about Harrison's not-crawling, I fully trusted her judgement when she told me to bring him in. She spent a half hour working on him and talking with Jeremy and me about what we could be doing to encourage Harrison to meet the crawling milestone.

And would you guess what he started doing the very next day? No lie, he got up on his hands and knees and started crawling. He would do it in spurts- crawl for a few feet and then want to move faster so he'd go back to army crawling (after months of army crawling he'd gotten so very fast!) Over the course of the next week, he stopped trying to walk as much, and started crawling more and more and more. It's almost like his adjustment re-set something in his mind and he took a purposeful break from his independent steps to practice crawling.

It's been almost a month since his adjustment, and I can't remember the last time I saw him army crawl. He has become so adept and real crawling, and it's his favorite thing to do when we're in a big grassy field at the park.

Who's to say if he would have taken a few week's pause from learning to walk if he didn't start working on his crawling, but I am glad he took the opportunity to slow down and work on some building blocks- and especially glad that none of it was forced. A gentle chiropractic/cranial sacral adjustment was all that it took to help his body come back to that movement and rework it so that he hit an important milestone.

These days he's crawling everywhere, and we are juuuust on the cusp of him starting to walk everywhere. I am so filled with pride as I watch him figure out how to get around and explore his world, and I am incredibly grateful for all of the other people in his life who also care about him and his well being.

Tomato. Tomato paste.

A while back, probably at least two years ago, Jeremy had a random week where he talked in his sleep a few times. Not anything conversational, just two simple phrases on two separate nights.

The first night this happened, he said, very matter of factly, "Taylor Swift." And that was that.

HAH. If you know me at all, you know precisely how I feel about the surge in popularity Miss Swift had a few years ago. Jer still hasn't heard the end of that one.

Then a few nights later, matter of factly once more, he said "Tomato. Tomato Paste." And back to quiet dreamland he went.

We still reference that one on a weekly basis, or more, thanks to basically ALL of my dinner recipes involving the gloriousness that is tomato paste. I use it so often that I buy it in bulk from Thrive Market, in beautiful little glass jars that keep well in the fridge.

So with that, here are a few of my favorite ways to use tomato paste.

1. Ketchup- combine tomato paste, apple cider vinegar, honey/maple syrup/other sweetener of choice, salt, and allspice to make a simple, tasty, healthier ketchup. You can fancy it up with other seasonings or leave it simple with those five ingredients. You can even ferment it by adding sauerkraut juice and letting it sit for a few days!

2. Pizza hummus- use chickpeas as a base, and add garlic, oregano, salt, parmesan cheese, olive oil, and tomato paste- a delicious take on a food that is already tasty.

3. Masala sauce- tomato paste, and some diced tomatoes, along with onion, garlic, ginger, and masala is a great base for so many Indian dishes.

4. Enchilada sauce- a roux of flour, oil, and chili powder added to water, tomato paste, garlic powder, oregano, cumin, and salt makes an enchilada sauce that is far better than anything you can buy at the store.

5. Marinara sauce can always be helped out with tomato paste, or this lentil bolognese that I have been obsessed with for a few months (I use fresh lemon juice in place of the verjus rouge because I don't have fancy ingredients in my kitchen.)

What else am I missing out on?

Atypical walk

I strapped Harrison into the baby carrier today and started off on a walk to the park in our beautiful 70 degree Los Angeles weather. Typical weather, typical routine, typical destination, but within two minutes of leaving our apartment, the atypical hit hard, and the events of it have left me processing over the past few hours.

I was walking near an apartment a street down from ours when a man came running out of the courtyard, frantic, with a wild look in his eyes. He was screaming with terror- Help! Help! Somebody help me! My baby!

And then he ran back inside.

As someone who takes a long time to process anything (wait a few days after watching to ask me how I liked a movie), I was frozen in my steps for a moment, stomach churning, having no idea how to proceed. For a quick second I considered turning around and avoiding the situation altogether- so many things were flashing through my mind and I thought maybe it was just a ploy, and following him would lead me to an unsafe place- he just looked that crazy. But the next second I got my bearings together and ran to the entrance of the courtyard to help- only to find a locked wrought iron gate  preventing me from doing anything but listening and watching.

There were a few more bystanders inside the courtyard, and one was pacing back and forth, on the phone, presumably with 911. I locked eyes with him and motioned the notion of asking if I could help, and he shrugged. It seemed like no one really knew what was going on. I heard screaming and crying and since there was already an emergency call in place, I walked down the street and prayed. It was such a vague prayer, but I knew at minimum that man needed comfort and his baby needed help.

I walked back when I saw the 911 caller walk out onto the sidewalk and asked him what was going on. Apparently the baby was sleeping and would not wake up.

My stomach sank. My worst nightmare since becoming a mother. One of the reasons why, 10 months in, I still check on Harrison every few minutes to be sure he is breathing. I don't know when I'll find the confidence to stop that habit.

With an ambulance on the way, I waited on the sidewalk with a small group of people who had also tried to respond to the Dad's initial cries. Then the Mom came out with her baby, a little girl probably two or three years old. Limp body, eyes closed, her Mom shaking her hands, pinching her toes, patting her cheeks, asking "Is she dead?" And frantically asking where the ambulance was. It was all too much, standing there with my very awake baby strapped in the carrier on me, putting myself in this mother's shoes. All I could do was point down the street where I saw the ambulance on the way, and wave it over when it got closer.

I stepped a ways away when the paramedics got out and the little girl was thrust into their arms. I heard minimal conversation, and I didn't want to snoop; whatever role I had in this situation was over and it was time to continue on my way. The little girl WAS breathing, and the paramedics were doing what they could to calm the parents down while tending to the child.

I continued on my way to the park, turning to look behind me every so often, checking to see if the ambulance had left yet. It was still parked on the street for the few minutes the location was still in my viewpoint.

I shed a few tears as I walked away, for the parents, and for the little girl, and for Harrison, and for every parent. Emotions run deeper than we realize they can, especially when it comes to our children. The crazy, frantic look of the Dad that made me initially doubt my safety- it was the crazy, frantic look of a man who is wildly in love with his daughter, and couldn't fathom her potentially being in danger. I know we all have that crazy in us, and just as much as I hope not many of us end up in circumstances that unleash it, I hope for this family that everything is perfectly fine, and the little girl will be riding her bike down the sidewalk tomorrow- that they can get back to their typical.

These Days

I have nothing pressing to write about, and when that's the case I have a hard time writing eloquently.

My days are currently filled with Harrison, no news there.

I chose to be a stay-at-home Mom. That is what made the most sense for me and Jeremy, and we knew before we started our family that we didn't want any outside childcare for our kids. For us, and the way we want to live our lives, starting a family meant making certain sacrifices so that I could stay home with our baby.

I stayed home exclusively with Harrison for his first five months, and every moment has been special (the difficult moments included, even as they are a different kind of special, haha.)

But we live in Los Angeles, and we have student loans, and those two factors do not make an equation that equals one-income family. So I started some occasional babysitting in Harrison's sixth month, and in months seven and eight that turned in to being out of the house with him to watch other kids every weekday. Starting in July, Harrison and I will have a full 40-hour work week together, while I look after him and a baby who happens to be the sister of a boy I nannied for 2.5 years.

My point? Well as mentioned already, eloquence isn't strong right now, but it's something about how being a stay at home parent requires sacrifices, and being a working parent requires sacrifices, and being a work at home parent requires sacrifices, and just being a parent in general requires sacrifices. There's no avoiding those sacrifices, and they look different for everyone.

If I had the option, I would dedicate all of my "work" energy just to Harrison. But I can't right now, so I'm doing the next best thing for our situation. I love being home or on adventures with just him, and it is a bit of an emotional sacrifice to be doing things differently, but I am happy that I can still be there as his primary caregiver 24 hours a day, he just happens to have some other kids to play with during some of those hours. I am also happy to be forming relationships with these other children and it is a lot of fun to see Harrison learning how to play with other kids. Working full-time with him will be different, and some days difficult, but it will be good, and I am excited about it.

I figured for a long while that once Harrison was "old enough" I'd start working outside of the home on a very part-time basis doing post-partum and birth doula work. But he's 10 months old and still doesn't feel "old enough." My parenting style keeps me with him all the time, and I am so not ready to give that up. My passion for pregnancy and birth is part of my larger passion for families and children. So while the right time will someday come for me to be a more consistent support for women in labor, I am choosing to enjoy this time in my life with the families who let me in their lives by entrusting me with their children. Harrison and I are both thankful for them!