A Time for Dancing

I have been partaking in a lot of dance parties lately: I turn up the music in the apartment, or at work, or in the car ... and Harrison and I dance our socks off together. Jeremy joins in when he’s around, or he is the instigator in the first place, and the space we are in is immediately filled with shared laughter and pure joy.

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Here’s the deal- I used to be so hesitant to move around in any way that signified “trying to dance.” I am so not coordinated enough in my own body to make movement that looks like any commercial or creative form of beauty. Dances in middle school and high school were extra awkward because I literally didn’t know what to do. Weddings found me standing on the sidelines until coerced to join the party or until there was enough bubbly flowing. I didn’t have the confidence in me to put myself out there and find freedom in my movement. 

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I married a man who can DANCE. Seriously you guys, if you haven’t seen Jer on the dance floor, you are missing out on something amazing. I’ve always admired his ability to just get out there and do it, it’s something that drew me to him in our early years. He’s creative, he’s coordinated, he has control over his body in ways I don’t understand, and he has so much fun doing it. For a long while, that made me feel even more self-conscious about my “dancing.” We were not quite compatible in that department. I do have my “moves,” and those who know me well can attest to them. I’ve taken Liz Lemon’s Microwave and made it my own, my Cup Dance is pretty great, and if you’re one of a lucky few, you’ve seen my Timberdoodle (reference here and here and here, for starters).

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I’ve been in childcare for so many years. I volunteered at a foster home in China, I worked at a day care, I’ve done nursery and preschool in church, I’ve been babysitting for as long as I remember, and I’ve held a slew of full-time nannying jobs, including the one I have right now. And now of course I am a mother as well to my sweet, wild, uninhibited little Kozling. So I’ve actually been instigating dance parties for years and years ... in the comfort of my home or others, with no other adults around, letting myself be uninhibited alongside the toddlers I’m watching. They have so much freedom in their movement. So much un-coordination as well. Enough to make me feel okay about myself, hah. They’ll flail around and fall on the floor or run in to each other and just keep moving, just keep dancing. Joyously, fearlessly. And so I do the same with them. 

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I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and there was dancing at the reception. I surprised both myself and my husband by confidently striding straight to the dance floor and letting loose without a second thought. None of my signature moves- as they come out when I’m feeling awkward and need something to laugh at- but rather just simple freedom in movement, and joy in the moment. And it was so much fun you guys.

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The other day at work I was having a moment that was some combination of boring and stressful. When you’re in someone else’s home for 9.5 hours a day with two kids under two and a dog who you love but are at odds with, there are days when those moments can be frequent. I took a second in that moment to connect my phone to a speaker and turn on some music. Harrison’s eyes lit up and he started bobbing up and down to the beat. The baby started laughing while she watched Harrison dance. I picked her up and the three of us spun around the living room, uninhibited as could be, smiling and giggling and feeling perfectly free. The stress and boredom disappeared in that instant and I felt so full of happiness, elation even. 

And it is with that happiness, that elation, that freedom, that I care no longer about my uncoordinated dance moves. They bring me to a mind space that feels good ... so watch out world- I'm here and I’m going to keep on dancing!

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Some of my and Harrison’s current favorite songs to dance to are Macklemore’s Glorious and Can’t Hold Us, Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine, and Nate Ruess’s Nothing Without Love. We also dance to our fair share of The Beatles, since Harrison’s name wasn’t inspired by just anyone.

Parenting Gently

Harrison is teething and overtired and decides to bite me.
1. “Oww! No biting!”
2. “Are your gums bothering you? I can’t let you bite Mama, but here is something you can bite.” (Teething necklace, toy, etc.)

Harrison is very excited and starts throwing his toys everywhere, with full force.
1. “Do not throw your toys. No throwing.”
2. “Wow, look how excited you are! These toys are not for throwing, but here is a ball you can throw.”

Harrison climbs on the table and I don’t want him there for safety reasons.
1. “Get off the table. No climbing.”
2. “Harrison you are getting so good at climbing. I’m going to take you off the table so you can climb this step stool.” (While closely watching him, of course.)

Harrison won’t follow my lead to go inside because he is having too much fun outside.
1. Pick Harrison up and bring him inside while he protests and tries to get out of my arms.
2. “You’re having a lot of fun out here. You don’t want to go inside. It’s hard to go inside when you want to stay outside. We need to go inside now. Will you walk inside by yourself, or should I carry you?”

Harrison grabs a toy from another child.
1. “No, you can’t have that, you need to share,” and grab it back out of his hands.
2. Observe; see if anyone is actually affected by what just took place. Tell them what is going on- “You took the toy from ___. ____ wanted the toy and now he is upset.” Let them work it out without interference as long as they don’t physically hurt each other.

Harrison is having a hard time with a diaper change and I cannot take care of it without forcing him down.
1. Physically restrain him and get the diaper on as quickly as possible.
2. “You are being squirmy. You don’t want your diaper changed right now. Let’s wait a few minutes until you are ready.”

Harrison falls down and starts to cry.
1. “You’re ok.”
2. “You fell down. That scared you. Did it hurt? It’s okay to cry.”

Harrison falls on the floor in a crying, yelling, flailing tantrum.
1. “Oh Harrison, you’re okay. I’ll be in the other room (ignoring you) until you calm down.”
2. “Those are some big feelings you’re expressing. You’re upset because _____. I’ll sit here with you and help you with your feelings.”

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Some typical day-to-day experiences with a toddler. The first set of responses is what most of us, myself included, have learned from our parents, their parents, and their parents, etc. They are what Jeremy and I have been working hard to unlearn over these past seventeen months.

The second set of responses is how Jeremy and I are trying to parent Harrison. To give him the opportunity to realize his feelings and experience them. To teach him that if he says “no,” there is merit to that word. To allow him the opportunity to explore his world without shame. Clearly there is also no room for physical discipline or for any sort of cry-it-out method here. (A can of worms that perhaps I’ll write my thoughts on another time.)

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I first learned about gentle parenting through Mayim Bialik’s book “Beyond the Sling.” In this phenomenal book she has a chapter on gentle parenting. I read it in the early months of parenting newborn Harrison and it was hard for me to understand at first, but I was very drawn toward it. It is so different than anything I knew of parenting, but it made so much sense. I didn’t want to stifle Harrison in his emotional growth, and authoritative parenting felt like just that.

I did some research and found Janet Lansbury, and have never looked back.

I’m still unlearning and learning, and will be forever I’m sure. There is a line between gentle parenting and permissive parenting and I am still learning where it is. I have my good days and the days that are so difficult. Gentle parenting takes so much patience. Parenting takes so much patience. Sometimes the idea of just saying NO and removing Harrison completely from whatever he is doing in one quick motion feels so much easier. And when I feel that way, I take a deep breath and consider who it is easier for. And then I move forward gently. Or I forget to take that deep breath and the end result startles Harrison to the core and I spend the next ten minutes emotionally undoing my ungentle knee-jerk reaction.

Daily I see Harrison responding positively to the application of gentle parenting. Events that have the potential to become battles and meltdowns often fizzle out after he’s had a moment to process with me or Jer. He gets his crazy toddler energy out without hurting himself or things around him.

There is worlds more than this simple blog post, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. As I learn more and become more passionate about raising our children gently, perhaps I’ll have more words to share. Until then, Janet Lansbury’s Facebook page is a fantastic place to start if you’re curious to read more.

I think that now more than ever we need to be giving our children the tools to process through their emotions rather than shut them down, to deal with conflict healthily instead of expecting it to magically disappear, and to be absolutely certain that if they say “no,” they should expect to be listened to.