New Old Car

We bought a new car yesterday.

The word "new" is a funny one. In this context, "new" means a car that is 17 years old.

Welcome to the family, little white 2000 Toyota Corolla, we're so glad you're here! You represent a lot of our hopes for the future of our family, and driving you day-to-day will be a constant reminder to press on towards those hopes, working our hardest every step of the way.

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In the months leading up to me being pregnant, we started to look for a new car to replace the troublesome Ford Fiesta that I started my Los Angeles journey with. With stars in our eyes, we set our hearts on a 2012 Honda Accord SE (leather seats!) and with the help of a car-buying specialist from our credit union, we waited patiently for a few months until the right car was found at auction, purchased, and financed- just a few weeks after we found out about our pregnancy, and at the same time that I found out my full-time nannying job was ending earlier than I had anticipated.

Maybe once in those months of waiting, the idea of buying a car with solely our hard saved down-payment cash was mentioned, but I quickly brushed it off, so it was forgotten about.

But really- pregnant, 1.3ish incomes, going down to one income once baby arrived, student loans, etc ... what business did we have adding to our debt and monthly bills? Those leather seats though ...

Our trusty new Honda was everything we had hoped for, though, and for a season, it was a wonderful car. It was the car that helped me realize my fear of freeway driving wasn't of the freeway itself, it was rather a fear of how unsafe I felt on the freeway in the little Fiesta. It got me to and from a short-term job 27 miles away. It's gotten Jeremy to countless auditions all over Los Angeles. It had heated seats, so my bum was always warm, even in the summer when I drove with the windows down on brisk mornings. It felt like the first "grown up" car I could call mine (my others, aside from the lime green Fiesta, were pickup trucks- a GMC Sonoma, and a greatly missed Ford Ranger.) It is the car that Harrison rode home in the day after he was born, while we listened to The Talking Heads sing "This Must Be the Place." It has held many nursing sessions and diaper changes. Harrison even left his mark during one diaper change (you're welcome to anyone who has sat in the driver's side back seat.)

And now yesterday, the back of that Honda is where I sat all morning- while it was pouring down rain typically unknown to LA, trying to keep an active 8.5-month-old entertained with two books, one toy, and all the energy and excited voices I could muster- while Jeremy took care of getting our new/old car inspected, talking with the mechanic, negotiating with the seller, signing paperwork, and handing over hard-earned cash that signified ownership, rather than a car payment.

This car is to be our daily driver, replacing the Honda in our one-car family. It has more miles on it than any vehicle that's been in my name. It needs new front tires immediately, and there is a medium-sized list of work to be done on it that we'll be spreading out over this next year.

Even with its obvious qualms, I already like this car more than the Honda. A sense of ownership has a lot more healthy weight than warranties and a small payment every month. I already feel myself caring about this car more than others in the past- partly due to maturity, sure- but mostly due to this ownership I feel, and the collective effort that has gone into getting it and the effort that will continue to be put in to it.

This car means freedom from a car payment each month, which means more ease in taking care of day-to-day expenses, which means being able to once again focus on those darn student loans. This little Corolla will be the first car that Harrison has memories of, and I want him to know that we purchased it to better his life- not in the sense of it freeing up money to spend on him, but rather for him to see it as an example of how hard work, determination, sacrifices, and careful spending (and fruitful giving) can move you forward to live your best life.

Maybe that's a lot of stock to put into such a little old car, but the stars are back in my eyes each time I look at it, and those stars are pressing me now to work harder than ever.

sick day haikus

still in pajamas
unkempt hair, sleeping baby
snot on my shoulder

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we lay on the couch
guard cat prowls, finds his subjects,
sleeps all afternoon

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coughing, sneezes, cries
a steam bath when he wakes up?
feel his forehead: warm

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baby will not nurse
his comfort is rest today
breast pump helps mama

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cancelled plans, missed friends
staying home all day and night
feels like missing out

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no time for self-care
peanut butter and jelly
this is sustenance

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healing: lithy tree,
European hornbeam helps,
silver, ear drops, rest

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love you baby boy
time will help, you'll feel better
mama's here for you

Where We Are

My hope for this year is to write one blog post per week. I enjoy writing and I miss having a purpose to do so. I've been having trouble deciding how to start out this year of blog posts. I was considering writing a year in review of 2016, and then realized I hardly remember anything that happened before May. Harrison was born on May 3rd, and life was forever changed, in the best way.
2016 was the year of Harrison. 2017 will be too. Taking care of him has been so easy. Truly, I mean it. He is very laid back and takes whatever comes, happily. At eight months in, I've yet to experience the sleep deprivation I was expecting (thanks due in large part to bed-sharing, I'm sure another post will be devoted to that). He nurses like a champ and we have been able to have the nursing relationship I had hoped for during pregnancy. Easy, easy baby. BUT, what of the changes in life that happen when you introduce a brand new baby into it? Not so easy. Hard, actually, with some moments that seem near impossible.
This new year has truthfully already been a bit rough. A brand new year does not stop the uncertainties of the previous year, and so many of our little family's uncertainties came to a head this week. We're wading through decision-making, job-searching, working second jobs (Jeremy), looking to replace our car, trying to ward off sickness (and failing), a hospital visit for Harrison (everything is fine now), and our normal day-to-day events on top of it all. That is simply life, and none of it gets erased on January 1st. This year, we will champion the hard days along with the easy days, and we will find the good in everything.